My husband and I are friends with a couple, and the wife ?

Question

has told me that she wanted to leave her husband, because she feels lonely and like he doesn't pay her enough attention. He is otherwise a wonderful husband. I know that she has talked to him about how she feels, but she says that it is just the way that he is, and that he wont change. I am concerned about her and what she says that her marriage lacks. I know that her husband is a great man, and I think that if she leaves him for someone else, she may realize that no one will ever be a "perfect" match. So as her friend should I tell her what I think, or just go along with what she does. I want her to feel like her feelings are important, but I also want her to realize what she is saying. I do know that he is a great husband, we are around them a lot and she even says he is a great husband except.... So my question is should we try talking to her husband, maybe he is not hearing her, but he might hear us. I do not want them to get a divorce over something that could be fixed. They are great people and have a young child. Would it be out of line for us to talk to her husband?

Answer 1

I think I would first ask her if it was ok to talk to him.  This way, it wouldn't look as though you are interfering.  

She's not Happy behind closed doors.  You see what you want to see with this guy, so you may think he's great in every way, but it doesn't mean he is behind closed doors.

Tell her your concerned and ask if it's ok for you and your husband to talk to him.  OR maybe just you?  This guy might feel weird being talked about by his wife and then have the friends confronting him. He may take it out on her at  home.   This is a very touchy subject for friends getting involved with friends marriages.

Answer 2

you need to mind your own business, you see him as you want to, she is the one who has to live and sleep with him

Answer 3

as a friend you can give her your opinion and be there for her if she needs to talk but i would definately stay out of it.

btw.. jacob s (5th one down) has huge moobs. (man b***s)

Answer 4

You like them a lot and you want them to be happy but their marriage is their buisness. If the situation were reversed you and your husband wouldn't appreciate interference from friends in the hard decisions you would have to make. Hope for the best, listen when they need to talk, if asked give your opinion but ultimately it's up to them (not you) to fix it or break up.

Answer 5

She sounds very immature. I would bet money that she is "seeing" someone else. Let her do what she wants, maybe if she walks the "great husband" will have an oppertunity to find someone who will appreciate him.

Answer 6

It would be out of line for you to talk to her husband about something that she told you in confidence. To do so would probably result in her being very angry and reacting out of that anger.  The only reason you should tell him is if she has some imminent plan to pack her bags and run off with their child.

Instead, though, perhaps your husband could talk to him in general about his marriage and how things are going (if they are close enough to have those kinds of talks).  The truth is, however, that often in this type of situation it's not really the husband's "fault" that his wife is unhappy.  

When anyone shifts the focus from being thankful for and really enjoying all the good things he or she has or the good qualities in a person and begins focusing on what is lacking (and none of us has everything we want), the result is that the person becomes unhappy and dissatisfied no matter how good things are in reality.  She can't change her husband, but if she changes her focus and really shows him love, respect, and affection, she is likely (though not guaranteed) to find that he will also draw closer to her (especially if you are right and he is a good man).

Have a heart-to-heart with your friend about what she will lose if she chooses to walk away.  First of all, be sure that she understands that he will most likely remarry, and that if he does, another woman will have incredible influence over her child.  Her child may even end up calling another woman "Mom."  At the very least, she will be giving up a good portion of the time she has with her child in a split custody arrangement.   Encourage her to really think through all sides of the decision and to not act quickly.  

If she is a religious person, encourage her to speak to a pastor or to read the book "Created to Be His Helpmeet" by Debbie Pearl.  In it, she talks a lot about how there men aren't all the same and if our expectations of them fall more into line with who they are and how they express themselves, we will be happier and love better.  If she is not a religious person, encourage her to read one of Dr. Laura's books--either "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" or "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage."  She talks a lot about the personal responsibililty of each of us to the marriage--what we can do to change the marriage and make it better instead of expecting the other person to do the work.  She also talks about how women have incredible power in their marriages through the way they act and speak.

At any rate, do listen and be understanding, but caution her to think carefully and do some thoughtful work on her marriage before she calls it quits.  Don't share her personal disclosures with others, though, or she'll stop confiding in you.

Answer 7

tell her what you think but than stay out of it  

Answer 8

I think it would be completely out of line to get involved. Its nice that you care, but thats about all you should do, is just care.

Answer 9

Yes stay out of it.

Her husband might not appreciate you getting into their problems.

Answer 10

If her husband accepts that he can't change, then the answer is obvious.

Her needs are not being met, and whatever she needs he can't provide.

You should stick to your friend and support her, because though it could seem that she will not find someone better, it's not necessarily true, nobody should stay in a marriage where they don't feel happy, specially if they've already discussed the issue and the husband is not willing to contribute to make it a better relationship.

Just show support with whatever she decides and try not to get too involved in their marriage. After all, that's what you'd expect from her if you were in her situation, no?

Answer 11

Yes. Stay out of their business. Make yourself available as support for your friend but do not get in the middle of that. It will cause everyone problems.  

Answer 12

I think you should be fully honest with them... you may try to be a 3rd party to them... not sure if it will help out, or if they need to see some professional... someone needs to be a "translator" for them.. it sounds like they are not understanding each other.. Just be careful on how involved you guys get... you can get sucked in really easily and it issues form in your own marriage... I do not think a divorce will fix things.. the same thing will happen in their next relationships... especially with a young child, they need to make it work.. they need to be reminded that a marriage takes a lot of work.. it is not easy...

Answer 13

Yes, it is not your place to go to her husband and be like, "Look, your wife wants to leave you.  Could you try working on a few things about yourself?"  That is her place only, and if she's not willing to consider counseling or another way to work it out with him, it's her choice to file for divorce.  I'm all about working things out rather than calling it quits, but she's the one in this marriage, not you, and what seems like a "great man" on the exterior of the relationship might not be so great if you're married to him.  Let them work this one out themselves, and just offer your continuous support and a shoulder to lean on.

Answer 14

Yes it would be out of line to talk to the husband............Just have a party with some XTC and she will realize that she is being petty at what she is knit picking him about or she will realize that there is more to the little things that she keeps mentioning. Either way you will have a great party!!!!!

Answer 15

If she is seeking your advice then I believe you should tell her how you feel.  You might even suggest that she consider counseling to help her through.  Your input should stop there.  Speaking with her husband would be completely out of line.  That is up to her to address, and a marriage counselor if they choose to engage one.

Answer 16

Don't get involved other than to get them a number for a counselor. Then confront them both with the counselor information and then leave them alone.

She is whining to you to make herself feel better about her selfishness so I would distance myself from her.

Answer 17

Get your husband to talk to her husband about the things he does for you.  Or maybe you could have them over and your husband could dot on you a little in front of them.  Maybe that would clue him in.

Answer 18

Do the "Christian" thing and BUTT THE h**l OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE'S MARRIAGES.

Answer 19

Im not an expert but I think you should try speaking to the lady first and try to make her understand what you think of the whole idea. Try suggesting that they try and sort things out for the childs sake and maybe go for counselling and maybe you and your husband could go along for support. If she doesnt want to try these options then thats up to her. You could also try and ask her how she would feel if she was the child in the middle and her parents had split up over pety things that could have been fixed. Im afraid if this doesnt work then you have done your best theres nothing else you could do as its her choice in life.

Answer 20

Seriously, I'd try wife-swapping. it creates a great bond and he will want to stay with her so that he can have you from time to time. Hey, it works for my marriage. I was that kind of guy too. Now I pay much more attention to my wife. And why not? I have a lot more to lose now. I'm very happy with the way things have turned out and I shower my wife with affection. Good luck.

Answer 21

yes mind your own business

Answer 22

yea, u need to stay out of that...if she is lonely, she is lonely.  If she has talked to him, she has given him a fair shot at making it better...if he can't, she has the right to move on.