My husband and I are separated. He wants to move back into the house but my counselor says we both need at ?

Question

least 3 months of individual therapy and then joint - couples therapy in order to be able to re-enter the marriage and give it a good effort. He wants to move back in tomorrow and skip the therapy and says if I wont agree he is changing his phone # and never wants to hear from me again? Is he trying to manipulate me? Help :(

Answer 1

yes he is, so take the counselors advice. if you both love each other, then you have all the time in the world. hang in there. i mean the time alone. don't give in. let him change his number and never call again, then you know he is not for you.

Answer 2

YES!  He wants it his way or no way. He's not interested in working on your marriage, he just needs a place to stay.  Tell him no, that you want to work on your issues first and then see if your marriage is worth saving.  At this point he is basically giving you his answer.

Answer 3

Here's the thing:  Marriage is about compromise, and making one another happy.  A married couple should not be threatening one another, manipulating one another, or trying to sway one anothers opinions.  You should be making all decisions jointly and enthusiastically, without pressure from one another.

You should sit him down and tell him all this, also stating that you'd love to give things another shot but that you'd like to compromise and NOT move back in immediately.  Tell him you think the marriage needs a lot of work and you'd much rather wait and work at things before diving back into it.

If he's unwilling to give you that, then you should probably move on anyway.  I can understand if he misses you dearly and wants to move right back in, however it's definitely wrong of him to be pressuring and forcing you.

Good luck.

ADD ON:  I also just wanted to add really quickly that you should do what YOU want to.  Just because the therapist is telling you to wait 3 months, that doesn't mean you have to.  Do YOU want to move back in right away but are just leery because of what the therapist says?  Do what your heart tells you -- and do NOT let either your husband or the therapist try to pressure you into a decision you're unhappy with. :)

Answer 4

Let me get this straight:  he is going to change his number??  Woohoo....finally some peace....  :)  

No really, It took a lot for him to move out, and if you want him to come to certain terms with himself, it will be during these moments of independence.  Additionally, you will learn some things about yourself too. It sounds like he is used to manipulating the marriage and doesn't want anybody messing up his control.  Stick to your guns.  You won't regret it.  

Answer 5

well does a fat male dog have a hairy nut? of course he is trying to manipulate you.... men suck

Answer 6

i would say, what do YOU think?  if you feel counciling IS necessary and arnt ready than DO NOT allow him to pressure you.  If he is willing to say its my way or the highway than i wonder how much into fixing things between you really is important to him?

Answer 7

Of course he's manipulating you!  It's a down right threat, if you ask me.  Don't back down, though.  If nothing else, you're going to need the counseling for yourself, even if it isn't to get back with your husband.  At least the counseling will help you and, if I were you?  I'd change your phone number, too, so that when is whiny @ss comes crawling back to you, you don't want to hear about it.

Answer 8

lol, get real, sounds like YOU ARE !

are you asking him to help pay your bill? What kind of therapist are you seeing? This sounds like a terrible plan.

If you really want to make it work, it just doesn't make sence to me to be apart.  

Answer 9

of course he is, you want to rebuild your marriage the right way and he want to skip all that and move back tommorw and the relationship will be short lived, he knows that its probably not going to work if he just says thats what he wants so he's pushing you into a corner i don't think he will stick to his silly mad plan if you say no and just try a different approach.if he realy cared about this marriage would he say tomorrow or never?no

Answer 10

1st, thing, the decision is yours not your therapist's .

What precipitated the separation in the 1st place?  

How long have you been in therapy?

Most good therapists won't make statements about a time frame to do something. I question the therapists experience. I've been in the field, my wife is in the field, we have tons of colleagues in the field.  This shows a lack of experience by the therapist.

Your husband is giving you an ultimatum, choose the therapist or choose him..

Your therapist should be able to work from where you are at, not where he/she feels for his/her convience.. It she is seeing both of you on an individual basis, and not working communication skills IN the relationship the therapist is doing you both a disservice.. Also, by doing individuals she can pit you against each other, to me, it sounds as if the therapist may be having transference issues and should have the where with all to seek help herself.

How long have you been seeing this therapist?

I'd suggest you fire the therapist, and find someone with more experience and a willingness to work with you both as a couple, and not your and your husbands waste time and money.

Answer 11

Wow!! I'm not sure if I can answer this question since I'm not a scorned, diet challenged woman like the others that posted their answers here.  You already know the answer to the question you asked. Of course he is!  Meet him halfway somehow. Maybe start with him coming home on the weekends? Maybe he moves in, but sleeps in a different bedroom? Maybe a week together, then a week apart to reflect?  

You see, it's merely a power play, and the both of you are active participants. Bottom line....................one person will HAVE to give a little more than the other at first because your marriage is "dented" but not broken.

You can always be the better spouse, and then you have no regrets :-)

Answer 12

I think he is manipulating you.  Does he give any kind of reason for wanting to skip the therapy?

I think he probably doesn't want to live without you.  He's probably afraid that when you live for a while without him you'll never take him back.  If you think you want work toward getting back together make sure he knows that.  Then stick to you guns.

If you really don't see getting back together and the therapy and separation are just some kind of soft landing you think he needs then dispense with it, save the money, and let him go now.

Answer 13

That he wants to stop counseling would be a red flag for me, so yes, that would constitute manipulation as far as I'm concerned.

The counselor is simply there to help you guys put your marriage back on track.  From his/her point of view, waiting and further therapy would be the way to go ~ it's not written in stone that just because it's recommended, you have to comply.

Was the counselor getting too close to your husband's comfort zone for him to come up with this # change c**p?   Sounds like it to me, but then, you know him better than I do.

You've got to do what you feel is right for you.  Does the counselor know of your husband's 'threats"?   That might be the one you should be talking to, especially if you've established a good line of communication and trust what s/he is saying.

Just my thoughts and wishing you all the best!

Answer 14

yes he is. Just turn around and tell him that if he isn't willing to put forth the effort of going to counseling to make sure that your marriage really works, then he might as well go ahead and change his number, etc. because the end result will be the same. Although, perhaps getting the opinion of a second therapist would be advised. Basically the therapist your seeing is saying that you guys need at least a three month break, before even attempting working on your relationship, which, to me, may not be the solution.      

Answer 15

Oh, yes he is. He is trying to regain control. Your heart wants someone to tell you let him move in and it will all work out, but your head knows the counselor is probably right-that if he doesn't care enough to work on the relationship, he might not be worth it. He might not be comfortable with individual therapy. Ask if he will consider couples therapy to start. Then don't trust your heart, it is wounded.  

Answer 16

He wants you but if you don't do what he says he is going to cut you off all together.  He is giving you an ultimatum...not cool...hes being controling.  Thats really not fair for him to do that.  

Answer 17

Read your question again, you answered it yourself.  

If he really wanted to be with you he would be willing to go to counseling and willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.  He should be falling all over himself trying to prove he's serious, not trying to skip the work and bullying you with stupid, manipulative threats.

Look at it this way - he just saved you a LOT of money and time that would have been wasted in couples therapy with him.  Change the locks and tell him to have a nice life.  

(Still go yourself for individual counseling, though.)

I'm sorry he is being such a jerk!

Answer 18

yes he is. if he want to make things work the he will put in the time and effort to make things work out. its your happiness that matters. if he want to rush at things then thats fine. take your time, if he is not willing to wait the he does not care. sounds like he just wants to move back in. and he wants to change his number? thats fine too. if he is gonna run away because he wont get his way, then he will always do that. do what is best for you. dont just do it because you are on a time frame to make a decision, do it for you. take all the time you need. in the end if he does not stick around its on him because you tried to make it work and it will be his loss. and he will regret every moment of it. take all the time you need and listen to your counselor  

Answer 19

Yes, he is trying to manipulate you.  If he was truly committed to saving the marriage he wouldn't put out an ultimatum like this.  It sounds to me as if he's looking for a quick and easy out and if you don't agree to do this his way, he can use it to say that he tried and it's all your fault.

Answer 20

He is wanting to weasel his way back in the home but doesn't want to make an effort to make the marriage work.  Do not do it!!!