My husband and I are separated I need advice?

Question

Ok where to start, Im in a bad place emotionally right now and so in love with my husband I dont know how to stop myself.

About 3 weeks ago I went away for a week with the kids due to where I was camping I could not charge my phone and was unable to talk to my husband for 4 days.

I come home happy and content in life to find out my husband was unhappy in our marriage and the lack of contact did not help. He said that the past 6 months were not good due to me lashing out when I was mad and the lack of communication due to him playing computers 7 days a week 6pm to 12pm at night and spending 3 years on and off going to bed on my own.

The day after my head was all over the place instinct was telling something more serious was going on, I started to grieve feeling my husband was cheating on me and he was going to leave. That day I did something very stupid and tried to take my life, it was only a cry for help. The problem was prior to all of this he decided he wanted to got to amsterdam to visit friends , this is totally out of character for my husband as he as no real life friends, he doesnt drink and is slightly depressive. He plays computer games more specific online games.

This also was playing on my mind when I did what I did, this did not help our situation all week I was up and down emotionally tormenting myself with what I had done. My husband saying I needed mental help and saying I was paranoid. That week I also helped pack his suitcase of which I was suspicious as he had to take his designer clothes and boxers and his aftershave (of which he bought for us!) never the less feeling very insecure I drove him to the airport (ON MY BIRTHDAY!) and off he went. That evening I felt awful, lonely, one birthday card not from him.

After talking to family member I came to the conclusion that he would never cheat on me and started to be positive by setting myself goals, so the next day I looked on his computer for is flight information to set a goal but found an email address that I had not seen before, I managed none the less to get into it to find about 2 months of emails to another woman who he we both met playing online games who concidently lived in amsterdam. They were horrible saying how much they loved each other and other stuff sexually.

To cut along story short I rang him up and confronted, he said that he had'nt done anything he had made that decsion before getting off the plane. All that week we talked and text and came to the conclusion that we were going to work through our problems. Even though he was staying at her parents house. Eventually this led to lust and the best s*x we ever had when he came home.

The real problem is he has been home for two weeks and I have been an emotional wreck, I need reassurances and affection, he has been hot and cold with feelings, he now said he loves me but hes not in love with me, that its gonna take time, that I should'nt push him into making a decsion. That it may not work could be a week a month etc.

Just be normal. How can I be normal, I feel rejected and insecure.

He has just controlled the whole thing when ever I try to help or talk about the problems try and fix what I did and help him to mend he clams up any arguement ends in well I can always leave, knowing fine well that I will buckle and start to cry begging him not to because I love him to much. Then another night it will be like nothing has happened, great s*x etc etc.

I cant live like this as much as I want this to work and I love him hes my soulmate and Im so frightend of losing him. Anyways yesterday I had enough and asked to move out for a bit so we had time to think.

He did I was calm and collective packed all his stuff up and did the ironing upstairs while he packed the stuff into his dads car.

He kept coming up making idol chit chat and at the end said I suppose you want your ring back I said I didnt want anything just yet then he said you do know Im leaving once im gone im gone. He is being made redundant in 3 weeks and is expecting a payout, I feel he was just waiting for that. Part of me thinks he confused and may come back.

Im scared with have a big mortgage which we have had for 3 years and a secured loan on top, I have a very good job just dont know if I could manage all on my own not to mention being a single parent again.

I cant stop texting him and calling in desperation i love him dearly and want him back mentally. I feel horrible inside im not eating or sleeping, he was always the one when I felt bad that could take my pain away with a hug and a kiss, now I cant get that and it hurts.

I really am messed up.

Answer 1

This pain ends up in divorce he went into his own world and found somebody and you were somewhere thinking things were normal and who could blame you for thinking other wise.  I want you to get a lawyer and I want you to be strong for your children and I want you both to be civil for the kids and you need therapy I know finacially things are going to be tight but you can do this women and men are heartbroken over their marriages but why stay miserable and dont blame yourself you two grew apart and I wouldnt believe him about not sleeping with her I cant help you with the pain I  can only offer suggestions.  Take care

Answer 2

Sorry, I can't read all that.  It's to much drama.  You both sound to insecure to have a successful marriage.  He has found a new person to play with and lied to you about going to see her.  Dump him.  Once a cheater, always a cheater.  

Answer 3

If you both want to make it work, I suggest counseling.

Answer 4

You can't do anything right now if he loves you he would come back

you've tried to talk to him and it didn't work his mind is definitely some where else ,Abviously he has  made his own decisions !

and you can't force him to come back  ,all you have to do is to

accept that your relationship is over, then you can move forward.

You are emotionally  hurt and  it would be hard for you to forgive him even if he comes back ,so you wouldn't be happy in this relation ship  because you will notice that he has changed and he has become  a different person . Letting go of someone you love I know is very painful ,but this will give you time to think about  what you really want in your life  you can now focus on other things in life  .you've said that

you have  mortgage together and  issues going on with the mortgage !,well if the mortgage is  secured i wouldn't worry to much and  if you and your partner  share this mortgage with you the  he has to pay for it too ,he can't just get away with it .But if you want him back desperately after what he did to you and you want to forgive him then my advise would be move on with your life and make sure your ex knows about it go buy some new clothes or what do what ever it makes you happy ,then start dating again , I have no doubt that somebody else would be dying to be seen with you.and

Eventually, your ex will see that you have a life. try to be calm and unemotional if he calls you and tell him that you are okay Finally, you'll get together. This is where you be straight and honest with your ex WITHOUT getting emotional. Tell your ex how you feel. If you want to get back together, go on date with him but don't tell him to come back and move in with you  he will then Die to have you in his arms again darling just be cool about it and ignore him for a while he will then see what he has lost ,then he will try hard to get it back so   if he is a good man and  loves you he will  come back trust me and if he is  not then you have to accept that you've lost him . ! hope i helped  take care !  Rosita  

Answer 5

give it time don't act out of desperation.

Answer 6

Move to a smaller house and get on with your life for your kids.They don't need anymore drama! If you don't get yourself together you will f... up your children! Can you live with that?

Answer 7

you can't take matters into your own hands.  it just don't work that way.  You sound like you need this time apart to get you some help mentally.  You made it before him, you can make it after him.  Don't give him that much power over your life. He is a man, not God.  I think your actions are pushing him away...the txt'g STOP the calls STOP.  Leave him alone to think, and miss you.  If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Answer 8

too long if you welling to write all that you must care too much for him so work it out.

Answer 9

Separation rarely works, and it should be done only under the direction of a counselor or therapist. The idea is so that the two of you can work on your own individual problems, and then get back together so you can work on your marriage problems.

A lot of couples separate these days because one person wants out. It's not a mutual decision and no problems are being fixed. In fact all new problems are being created during most separations. They begin seeing other people, making independent financial decisions, and doing things that make it impossible to ever get back together with their spouse.

Separation is a death sentence to a marriage.

I'm not qualified to counsel your marriage, but I see two problems right off the bat.

1. Your husband is immature and selfish, and his actions show that he loves the computer more than he loves you. He's not only neglecting you, he's also neglecting the kids. He's a lousy husband and a lousy father.

2. You know that what he's doing is wrong, but at the same time your fear of losing him is making you back away from your convictions, and it's causing you to find a way to embrace things that you know are unacceptable. If that weren't enough, your self-esteem has been destroyed in the process.

The first thing you need to realize is that you won't be able to fix any of this on your own. Your ship has taken on too much water, and it is about to go under. Send out a mayday to a counselor, and let them throw you a lifeline.

Answer 10

P.U.S.H.

PRAY UNTIL SOMETHING HAPPENS!

Answer 11

Get some counseling.  You have more and bigger problems than just your relationship.

Answer 12

oh my god are you even for real....what is wrong with you women cant one of you out there in this vast world for once prove to me that you are not all a bunch of airheads who can only thrive from the LOVE of MAN lady you said you have kids...show them that THEY are more important...im sorry they should be taken away from you if you are stupid enough to try and kill yourself for LOVE or for being stupid enough to be so niave about your husbands behavoir and letting your children see that you TOLERATE it!!!!!!!!!!...women like you make me so mad....your so worried about YOU and your needs but not once did you mention your kids....your a dummy

Answer 13

I have been just  where you are.  The fatigue and raw emotion.  This is what I learned and this is what my girl friend did....Leave him alone...don't call, don't talk, don't ask and don't care.   If you can do these things he will come back.  He knows he's got you, so to speak, so let him go.  Ask as though you don't care anymore.  Men love a challenge...your not a challenge right now.  If you act like you've moved on and don't care it will meet his interest.  My girlfriend got her husband back by doing just this.  She still loved him very much...but never let it show.  Next thing we knew,  here he comes back home again.  

Answer 14

Oh my gosh, he left to go see another woman on your birthday, that is the lowest.  He has you on strings.  You need to be strong because your children are looking at you.  Do you want your daughter to think that it is ok for a man to treat a woman like that cause if you take that kinda c**p odds are that she will too, if you have a daughter.  Or do you want your son to think it is ok for men to treat women like that cause that is what he is learning and something he will do, if you have a son.  Either way you have to stand up for yourself so they will see you as being strong even if you have to pretend when they are around.  I feel for you so much.  I have been in this same situation and it hurt like someone had died or something,  and someone is dying it is you, your soul, your spirit.  So put a stop to it now.  Let go of him.  You can do better, you need better, your kids need better.  Don't be like me and get so depressed it is hard to take care of your kids.  Do more stuff on your own with them to fill in the void.  Happiness will come back.  Pick a day in the near future possiably tomorrow and tell yourself "Today is the first day of my new life, I will be a new person with goals and a loving mother, I will not let him kill my spirit." You can not like yourself right now.  I bet you liked who you used to be and he has changed you I bet.  Take the power back and do not ever let him in your life again unless he has made some changes.  Not just telling you he has changed, let him talk then sit back and see if he does things that show he has changed.  Honey its less likely, if he can do the things you have described, he is not a good person.  

What are you so in love with.  What is it about him.  What are the things.  He isn't that person anymore, it was probably an act just to get what he wanted or it was the so called honey moon period.  I understand you are messed up right now but the day you take your life BACK you will start getting better.  Good luck, and keep talking about it.  do not call him or except any calls from him. break the idea of him and see the truth for what it really is.  You being happy will be the best revenge you can give.  

Answer 15

This is a very difficult situation to be in.  Give yourself a break and don't think that you're messed up for feeling the way you do about everything!  It is a completely normal response!  The only thing that I think you are doing wrong is the fact that you keep going back to him. I think for your security's sake, you need him to come back to you for once.  If he isn't willing to do that, then your insecurities won't go away.  Take a couple of days to yourself and resist calling him at all costs!  Each day, that will get easier.  You will realize that you do not need him!  You will probably feel even better knowing that you can be independent!  Don't worry!

Also, find someone to vent to about all of this.  Or write in a journal or blog.  You need to be able to let your feelings out.  For me, it took about two weeks or maybe a little longer to feel better about this.  Maybe you won't even have to wait that long!  Maybe he will try to make contact with you sooner than you think he would.  I mean, of course he will miss you too.

Just one more thing: Don't expect him to patch things up with you.  Making expectations at this point is a pretty bad idea.  If he decides that he does want to continue to be with you, then that is beyond great!  But if you are expecting that to happen and it doesn't, you will just be devastated once again.

You will make it through this just fine, regardless of the outcome!  Stay strong for yourself and your kids!  Best of luck!!