My husband and I just got married and....?

Question

Our past is haunting me. In our beginning he lied and kept alot of things from me. We talked, cried, confessed, and resolved all of our issues and short comings and now we are more in love than ever. He is sweet, caring, and we are so equally yolked but sometimes I snoop and find things that raise questions and/or make me think he is untrustworthy. After we argue and discuss things I feel horrible because I don't know if I'm still stuck in the past or is he?

Answer 1

WOW... I could have wrote this question myself! I cannot tell you how much you sound like me!

The bottom line is this...

If you really trusted him, there would be no need to snoop. If he was really trustworthy, there would be no need to hide anything. You need to trust your gut instincts. I ignored mine for 7 years because I wanted so badly to believe and trust him. Now, I have a 3 year old and am about to file for divorce. You need to realize that it takes two in a relationship. No matter how hard you work at making it work, it will only work if BOTH people trust, love, and care enough to put the relationship first. Granted, it isn't right to snoop. BUT... there is something in your heart telling you not to trust him. Am I right? Even if you call him out on it, he'll find another way to keep things from you if he really wants to. What it comes down to is this:

If you truly believe he is worthy of your trust, let him have it. Put your guard down and try to make it work. That means no more snooping, no more questioning, and no more doubting. If you feel that you cannot do this, it may be time to leave. Better now than 20 years from now. You need to decide for yourself.

I left my husband a week ago, for the same reasons, and then some. I've come to realize that no matter how much I love him, he will never change. Like my lawyer said "You can't teach an old dog new tricks. We are who we are". Good luck.

Answer 2

obviously you both are. if you are snooping you arent trusting him and if he is innocent it is only logical that he would be upset that you didnt trust him. if he feels too confined, that could lead him to feel as if he has to keep things from you. especially if you jump to conclusions and dont seem to trust him. then he may think that even his honest explainations of things wouldnt be trusted and therefor keep more things from you. i dont think it is wise to have a relationship without the most fundamental building block, trust. it is very unhealthy and maybe some marriage counsling could help you. you both need to be more open with eachother.

Answer 3

it is extremely hard to forget about the past, whether you attempted to resolve it or not.  Their are always lingering thoughts, and worries, which is why it is always best to leave things in the past instead of to talk about them, unless they would some how harm either of you.  I would suggest to trust him and stop searching for reasons to question him. Otherwise your just going to push him away!

Answer 4

let's look at it from this point - for instance take me and my trustworthy husband. i don't snoop on him, but even if i did i would never ever find anything suspicious or raising questions or making me think he is untrustworthy. because he never has those things, he never does anything suspicious and he is always open and reachable and always is telling the truth. so i would say if u snoop (which is not good anyway, smth u don't know can't hurt u) and find smth which makes u suspicious it doesn't matter how good he explains - if there is smth untrustworthy it means he is still doing it behind your back. just hides it better. so u have 2 options - either stop snooping, cos he is doing it and will do, or find yourself someone else - the one who is honest and would never ever cheat

Answer 5

Well your question does not give us a lot to go on but needless to say if you are snooping it means that there are problems with your relationship. You feel the need to snoop, so there is no trust... he knows you are always looking so he is extra careful on what he shares with you. The only way your marriage is going to work is if you both earn each others trust. Give yourselves the right to have had a past... every memory is not a bad one, they don't just get thrown out because you get married.

Answer 6

Then why the h**l did you marry him?

Answer 7

Betrayal is very difficult to deal with in a close relationship and often is a deal breaker.  His lying is his fault and now you are feeling the rational pain of betrayal and fearing to trust again. I'd be wary too.  Don't feel horrible because your inner sense is correct, follow it.