My husband and my daughter fight all the time...?

Question

I admit it's mostly my husband who's the problem. He doesn't recognise her when she does a good job but he overreacts when she does something he doesn't like. It doesn't have to be a bad thing just something he doesn't agree with. The latest argument was over hair, makeup, and nails.

I'm not responsible for his behavior but like it or not I'm stuck in the middle. How can I help facilitate understanding so as to reduce the number of arguments?

Answer 1

you do not say, is your husband your daughter's father or step father?

If he is the father, he needs to lighten up and show a little appreciation or he'll form the kind of daughter that he doesn't want to know.  Your husband should love his daughter not persecute her, and tear you apart.  Have you told him that he is tearing you up inside too?  If he has any love for you two he will behave himself.  He is not acting like a man, but a spoiled child.

If he is a step-father, you tell him he has no right to be critical of your daughter and if you have to choose, it will be your daughter.

You are not responsible for his behavior but you are responsible to teach your daughter (both of you are) to be a fine young woman and not a bad person.

When he starts in on her, walk out the door with your daughter.  She will feel your support of her existence and you will teach your husband that his actions are not acceptable to you.  If he starts getting this way with you it may be time to find a new place to live.

I wish you luck, this is a hard thing.

Answer 2

Two books to consider:

*  The One Minute Father

*  The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands

The first book is a true story and the second is written by a woman which will hopefully give more credibility when your husband reads it.  Both will help you, and then your husband, if you do read them.  They helped me with parenting and marriage.

May I also suggest that you consider the following when you feel in the middle:

*  Do you find yourself yelling?

*  Do you find your self taking sides?

*  Do you find yourself angry at either your spouse or daughter?

If so then you are not being impartial and are likely helping to feed the fire.

Right or wrong - try to respect your husbands right to his opinion.  That does not mean that you should not take action but rather consider not meeting the raging bull head on.

Remember, praise in public (when spouse and daughter are together) and criticize in private.  But, first read both books and ask you spouse to read them to.

I do hope he is willing to expand his knowledge and I wish you both the best - Remember life is a team sport and family is a team.

Also, suggest to your husband that different does not = wrong.  That comes from a male point of view who has a 13 year old daughter who does many things different than I would but it works for her.  She is a straight A student who would not be so if I gave her a two front war (IE: fighting with Dad because she is different).  Besides, she is a girl - she is supposed to be different.  Feel free to show you husband this message and have him email me directly if he wishes to get another males point of view.  However, if he is only looking to get angry then that speaks for itself -he may not be ready to allow help from others.

Answer 3

I have no real advice for you. That being said, I suggest you consult an online  psychology or relationship forum of some sort. I'm sure they can give you a more helpful answer. Just look around, chances are, you'll find the right one.