My husband cheated at least twice?

Question

i have 2 kids with my husband he has admited to cheating on me at least 2 times. once about 5 years ago before we had kids etc and recently because i started "talking" to a man.

i finally cannot take it anymore. i just had a newborn baby a week ago and ive had a feeling something happened a year ago but i was in denial. i didnt think he would do it again. he truely thinks that i cheated on him too bc he would always talk about it and be obsessed abuot it bc he found out i was confiding about our relationship in another man but i would never cheat on him and i thought he would know that.

i know im just rambling on but i feel so sad and last night i didnt even sleep and i keep crying. i am 24 yo and i have 2 children with him. why does this happen to me? i dont know how to get through this and what to do.

i know he will still support me financially for the 2 kids, give them what they need. he is not a bad man or anything i just dont think i can do this?? or should i try.? i dont want to forgive him and then it happen AGAIN. im so upset.. the first time he cheated we were young, he was 18.. but after years of being together, i would think he wouldnt do it again.

i feel so depressed right now, especially just having a child. im so sad.. please help? im serious, please no smart comments, i have been crying all night and im to embarressed to even talk about this to anyone,..

i feel like i will never find a man who wants me bc my situation..

Answer 1

  Toss his *** out the door.  Take half and sue him for al the child support you can get.  While I believe that people do make mistakes he made his at 18.  His recent sexual escape was no mistake.  It was deliberate.  There was no excuse for him to f-ck another woman.  Best of luck to you.

Answer 2

First of all, there's an old saying - "once a cheater, always a cheater". Secondly, your husband did not cheat on you because you started "talking to a man".  That's the excuse he's giving to exonerate himself for his wrongdoing, by trying to place the blame on you.  

It is very important that you consult your ob/gyn about post-partum depression.  The unhappy marital circumstances can exacerbate the situation.  So, you need to get help in that area. You are young and you must be strong for your children.  They need you.  It is very difficult to face reality, but you have to decide if you can ever trust him again.  Try counseling, and see if he will go with you.  There is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about.  Sadly enough, this kind of thing happens all the time.  Confide in a close friend or parent, and don't carry the burden alone.  There is no shame in asking for help.

Good luck.

Answer 3

No more crying, no more feeling helpless, no more turining over your happiness and who you are as a person to another.  You need to stand strong, build a life you can be proud of, take care of those kids and take pride in who you are as a person.  Okay, so you made a bad choiuce of men - he sounds like a needy child - you can build yourself back up and do better.  Take control and make a plan and move forward.

Answer 4

I am so sorry to hear about your situation I could never put myself on your shoes right now but I really think you need some support. The fact that you two are so young when you started to have kids is a major factor for this kind of behavior. But do not feel sad, the fact that he confessed that he cheated on you is a big step for him to realize of his stupid mistakes. Some men are like that and they would grab on any excuse to slip away. I am sure you must be a very good mother to your children and he needs to realize that. It is so stupid from him to have said that he cheated on you because you cheated on him. If you love someone you have trust on that person and properly the other way around. But do not worry, first days will be difficult but soon you will find out that you will eventually do it better without him. It takes time that's for sure and you will feel like the world is over because you have loved him so much however if he can't love you the same way then he does not deserve you. You are too much a better woman for that and probably later on you will find the one who will take care of you and love you with no conditions. I am glad to read that at least he will support you financially. Once they start cheating they won't stop and if you decide to stay with him, that will unfortunately mean that he will cheat on you again and unfortunately you will have to live the same situation you are going through right now. You can give him a chance but then he will lie or hide it from you and that's not nice. Although I know a lot of women that pretend to be blind and deaf just in order to not feel alone or unsupported and they keep on being in a fake relationship that won't make any good in the future. My good vibes to you and hopefully you will take the right choice the one that your heart tells you to. Good luck.!

Answer 5

Unless you can learn to live with this I suggest you simply move, yes, your pain will become dull with time but it will NEVER dissapear, you will also never trust him again and wonder every night "What if he is doing this or that" so you really just have two choices, work it out or leave, if you work it out it will take effort, time, effort and more effort, he has to be willing to do this with you or you will not be able to, there will have to be new ground rules such as: He can have absolutely no privacy! You will be able to check up on his stuff, his whereabouts, his phone calls "Anything" for as long and often as you like, this will help you build confidence, you will also need marriage counseling to discover the root of the problem, WHY is he cheating, there is always surprising reasons that only a proffesional can pinpoint! You will also need to mature as a couple and talk about everything, it will be grueling, painful and dificult, you can ask to hear the details of the affairs (If that would be more helpful than wondering) but it will hurt you and make you very angry, he has to be willing to honestly respond to your questions and take the brunt of your anger.

If you simply do not want to invest in the above (Which will take YEARS) or if he is not willing to do any of this then it is time to say goodbye, move on, find soemone new, forget about the fact you have kids, it is no big deal, a man would love you regardless of that and trust me there ARE faithful men outhere so you CAN rebuild your life again and erase this.

Good luck

Answer 6

My heart goes out to you, little one. I've been in your shoes. My hubby cheated 3 times, twice with the same gal. After the third time, I told him that if it happened again, I was moving on. No, not divorce, just giving him space to think about what he did. I did that when he cheated the third time. He moved out and I gave him all the space he wanted, telling him that I would not allow him to carry on and still live with us (I have two kids too). I felt I had to file for divorce, in order to keep my kids from falling into "her" hands, keeping them with me. After 6 weeks of living with this gal, he saw what I had been telling him. He apologized for violating our trust, and begged me to forgive him. During those six weeks, I did a lot of thinking (after all the crying and anger passed). I took responsibility for my part in the break (I was too busy to spend my free time with my hubby), and I changed what I saw as dangerous in maintaining a proper relationship. When he asked for my forgiveness, I knew what had to be done. I forgave him. But (yeah there's always a but), I told him that he had to cut all ties with her, not spending any time in her presence. If he was truly sorry, he would prove it through extending me this courtesy. I shared with him my own discoveries in our relationship and apologized for my part. I shared my concerns about his associations with any non-related female, and we both made concessions. He moved back in, and we worked on mending the broken trust. It's hard, but do-able. But both people have to be willing to start a clean slate, and not resort to dredging up old hurts, and using the past as a weapon. He has to refrain from ever relying on another female to give him what only you have the right to give him. You need to tell him your needs, and let him know that you mean business about him meeting those needs. He needs to see that his family's needs come first, always. And if he has any needs, he needs to tell you only, and not share them with another person. And you need to listen too. It goes both ways. Guys don't show it, but they're really sensitive about feeling like they're not being understood or heard. So, start over. Think about what you want out of your marriage, then sit him down and share it with him. Don't share it with anyone but your husband. It's no one else's business, especially another fella. You have no business sharing your feelings with another man. It's dangerous, as you've already found out. If you have to share your feelings with someone, call your mom or sister, or a best girlfriend. Never EVER share with a fella other than your husband. This is how cheating starts. Our mates never understand us, so we have to find validation for our feelings. What better way to find out how a man thinks than to ask one. The thing is, it's wrong. And it's just as wrong for a man to share his problems with another woman and not his wife. Sorry this is so long. It's just that I've been down your road, so I know many of the feelings you're going through right now. And now, it depends on what you want out of your marriage. It's obvious you still love him. Once trust is broken, it's very hard to get it all back. I still have my moments, but I always bring my insecurities to him directly, and he assures me of where he's been, even with proof if needed. He knows that he messed up, and is willing to do the work to continue rebuilding what was broken. And I work on my own insecurities too, letting him know that I love him and am trying to let go. I think it's normal to be down right now, with the birth of your child being so recent. I went through "the baby blues" too, and read some stuff about how it's about hormones and that it will pass. You do need to talk to someone about your feelings, so that you can sort them out. I had many friends come around me when I was going through it, and it helped me get to a strong place. I read some books about people going through tough times. One in particular helped me get a backbone (Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson). I have to say that I learned more about myself during this time than I've done throughout my whole marriage. I'm not saying it was a good thing to have happened, but the results of us both working together came out of this tragedy. And our kids benefitted from it too, receiving two parents committed to keeping the family together, despite the infidelity. I had several "church" people tell me to divorce him, that I was within "my rights". It has nothing to do with rights. It has to do with two people being committed to their vows, remembering to keep them intact forever. Maybe you both need to have another marriage ceremony, repeating your vows, and exchanging rings that bear the inscription of being bonded together forever. The only way to truly rebuild the trust that's been lost, at this point, is for you both to do the work necessary, and allow that it will take a lot of time. And find someone to talk to, whether it's a fem

Answer 7

leave him or cheat on him

Answer 8

im really sorry about that. thats a pretty a*****e of a thing to do. anyways if this guy isnt the one for you which very well might be possible, your true love will take you in any situation that you are in, kids and divorce and all he will still love you. Hang in there =)

Answer 9

try marriage counseling

Answer 10

What are you doing still with him? Now, I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater stuff, but if you don't lay down the law, then what's to prevent him from doing it over and over? He already knows that you won't leave him if he cheats, so he keeps doing it.

As far as no one wanting you, that's crazy! Anyone who looks at a person's situation and not who the person is, is no the right man for you anyways. You have to be STRONG and love yourself and love will come. Don't look at jumping into another relationship. If you decided to let this loser go, then be willing to be on your own. Yes, you can do it. I know you may feel like you're not strong enough, but women have a power in them to be strong and make it work.

Be prepared to do it on your own and not need a man. Then, when you're least expecting it, he will come.  

Answer 11

I believe that you should pack up your things and go and if he dose not change get divorced. find someone who would love you no matter what! Good luck!!!

Answer 12

Okay ask yourself this!  Do you want to settle for this life or do you want a better one with no stress, no hurt,  no worry, and the feeling of being betrayed!  If you stay with this man your going to live with those feelings forever and never be truely happy!  He cheated on you and your kids,  he doesn't love you!  You need to love yourself and your kids first now!  Its going to hurt if you leave I'm not going to lie to you about that, its going to hurt bad, the missing him, the wondering what he is doing, who is he with,and so many other things, but as time goes on they just go away, and the more time you spend with family, friende, finding a new hobby,  making new friends it gets better!  Your not the only one going through this and your not going to be the last, but its up to you if you want to be misarble and stay or take the pain of leaving him and take a stand for you and your kids to find true happiness!  You will find someone else, believe me you will, don't worry about that right now though, think of your kids and yourself!  I'm telling you now though when he sees what your doing he's going to beg you back, it may be right away or it may take awhile but he will beg to get you back and the kids!  It may stop for awhile and he may stop cheating but he will do it again, not right away though but he will!!!  Its up to you what you want to do then, some men do change when they relize what they lost and some don't!  Just follow your heart, and it sounds like you deep down know you need to do something and you don't want to live like you are now!  Yes you will find someone else no doubt but don't jump into it right away,  do things for yourself and your kids so you will always have that strength for yourself!  What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!!

Answer 13

Well i agree to a point with the 1st answer...as humans we are it seems at times duty bound to make mistakes..the way that we can learn from them is 1st to except them as mistakes..own up to them...and try as hard as we can to learn from it..he needs to learn where his values as a person stand..it does not matter the age of his 1st cheat..the point is he was with you at the time..it dont make it right to be young and dumb so to speak..and well the 2nd time you say he thought you were cheating on him...which still dont make it right..

Most guys have a 1 track mind..esp. when it involves women..most dont think things through..some see what the wanna see.but their are the few out there that can be honest and loyal trustworthy..loving and caring..individuals..the 1s that want to give in a relationship rather than receive..or feel that its a mutual relationship ...

It takes two to be a couple but only 1 to kill it..I do agree..he dont deserve another chance to cheat again..to hurt you or your child..If you do decide to stay however..the hurt will only be that much more severe..and you yourself will most likely end up doing the same..to get even..or from just not caring anymore..That is no way for you or your child to live..I  have been down this road...and it dont end pretty..no was not me that did the cheating..but..this is not about me..I do understand what you are facing and do hope you make the right decision..good luck and god bless...am a great listener..if you ever need to talk..my heart goes out to you...take care

Answer 14

If he cheated twice and you stay with him it will give him the go ahead to cheat again and again.

Part of the sadness and depression you feel now goes along with post labor depression. Happens in all of us even if our life is close to perfect, or what we think is anyway.

What you will eventually feel is betrayal and anger. When you get to that point make some decisions in your life. You are in control here, not him.

Let him know he has ruined your respect for him and he has destroyed the marriage vows he made to you and then let him know where he stands.

Only you can make tat decision.

But remember when you make your decision do not base it on the children needing a father...base it on what is best for them. They are innocent in all that is being put on their plate right now even if they are too young to know what is going on.

Answer 15

He wants to cheat on you anyway and uses anything for an excuse.  If you stay with him chances are he will cheat again.  You could both seek marriage counseling, sometimes it helps, sometimes not.  

I don't think you would have any problem finding another man if you did leave.  Let that be the least of your worries.

Answer 16

You need to stand up!

You need to take a stand against him and tell him how you feel!

He cannot treat you in such a nasty and selfish way, sur eyou have children but your friends and family will help you raise them if need be.

He can pay, you should find a new man, one who will treat you with respect and dignity!

Answer 17

You should drop him like a bad habit and regain your dignity.

Answer 18

Get rid of him. If he really believed that you cheated on him, he'd be making a massive deal about it and would get very upset, I think he just used it as an excuse to cheat on you. Any guy that is pathetic enough to cheat on their wife whilst having 2 kids has no right as a husband. Looks like he cheated because he could. I feel for you and i'm sorry that you had to go through such a dilemma, especially after just having a newborn & don't worry plenty of guys would still want you. I'm sure you're still in good shape ;)

Hope this helps in some way.  

Answer 19

That you have children makes it hard.  But if you know they will be provided for.  Leave him.  

Answer 20

Hey he admitted cheating meaning you'll get it a divorce easier. DIVORCE HIM. You can arrange contact for you children if that's what you want (your husband does have rights concerning seeing his  children). Your still young and there is still time to get married again and even when your children have grown up to get married and have another baby if you wish. There is lots of charities for single women and there is child support and benefits to help with money. You will find some-one else and good luck

Answer 21

I'm so sad for you!  This is a horrible situation and the fact that you have kids with him makes it all the more difficult, but your still young and there are many ways you could deal with this situation.

1) stay with him and accept the fact that he may cheet on you again. (This decision is one you would be making for your kids)

2) leave him, take your kids, and join Match.com and start looking for a better mate. (This is the decision you would be making for yourself, but don't feel selfish, you need to be happy to have a good life)

3) Give him the silent treatment. but remember, the one who cares less always wins this battle... very dangerous

4) Understand what your financial situation would look like if you divorced him.  How much would you get and how much support would you get moving forward?  If it looks good then don't be afraid to tell him you want a divorce.

5) Withhold s*x, indefinitly untill you change your mind.

6) Forgive him fully, without remorse, and fully dive back into this relationship and give it everything you've got, to make it work

Answer 22

Maybe its time for a trial separation. It sounds like you have been together a while and got together young. You need to back off and find out what you want to do and how you feel about this whole thing. betrayal like this is, by far, not the easiest thing to get over. It takes time and tons of patience. The fact that it has happened twice only makes it worse. Marriage counseling certainly wouldnt hurt either.

Maybe when his family is away from him, he will realize the true importance of it and get his act together.

Answer 23

Honey let me tell you something. I would move on so fast it would make his head spin. Just because he THINKS you cheated is no excuse for his cheating. So what you have 2 kids, I do to. Dont waste your precious life on him. Be happy and time does heal believe you me! I have been there and done that. You are stronger than what you think!

Answer 24

You just had a baby like you said so your emotions are going crazy. Counseling is a good idea and if not just a big heart to heart!

Answer 25

girl please. you can find a man that loves you and your kids.and if you are not happy don't stay with your hubby cuz you think youcant do any better. have a lil more confidence in yourself. when he was 18 and cheated that's expected. you two were young, two kids and marraige later is another ballpark. no excuses, and as time goes on he'll do it at LEAST 1 more time becuz he's still young. but you don't have to deal with that. it will consume all of your thoughts and energy and you will be a total mess. and rite about now it is easy for you to suffer from postpartum and feel very emotional, but at the same time you're having some realization of reality, that he's a cheater. You need to move on whether you stay and let it go or leave and start your life over as a single mother. you can do it.  

Answer 26

The time to move on was when he cheated on you the first time, and the two of you didn't yet have any kids.  You chose to stay.  And now you have to live with the consequences of your decision.

By the sound of it, your husband probably won't mind if both of you have an 'open marriage'.  He will cheat on you once in a while with other women.  And he probably won't mind too much if you cheat on him with other men once in a while too.

But if he doesn't want to have an open marriage for both himself and you.  Then I suggest that the two of you go for marriage counselling and try to work things out so that neither one of you feels free to cheat on the other.

Answer 27

First of all **hugs** I'm sorry you are going through this, I am married and I know how bad it would hurt me if my husband cheated on me. First of all smack him for me ok ? Thanks. Second of all , you have 2 kids with him and a NEWBORN !! To other people he may sound like a lousy husband but  I know that you love him and that's why it hurts. He thinks he can get away with it , I say separate from him for awhile say you need time apart maybe he will come to his senses, make clear to him that he has hurt you and he is in the process of really hurting his children. Be strong I know its hard, but you don't deserve to be used like a doormat he cant keep walking on you no woman deserves to  go through that. xoxoxo :-)