My husband committed suicide in july 08 how do i move on?

Question

I have been married for 16 years we have a daughter 14 my husband committed suicide leaving no note, we had no financial trouble , neither one of us was cheating, i thought we had a wonderful life. I miss him so much sometimes i feel as if i cant breath it hurts so bad. He did this at home I found him, tried cpr until help came, Me and my daughter still live he but it hurts me so bad to be here, I keep reliving that night, family tells me not to make the decision to sell yet but it hurts so so bad. I really need advice on how to keep going everyday, I'm cant believe ive made it this long, but its not getting easier like everyone says. I don't understand why he left us and i don't know how to move on

Answer 1

I am very sorry for your loss. I will pray for you and your girl. If you ask GOD for help he will help you thru this. Our prayers are with you.

Answer 2

It is still so fresh for you. I hate to hear such a thing. I know grieving is a 5 step process, and can take a while. Have you tried googling "grief" and  maybe even counseling options? I can't imagine what I'd do in your situation, but being you have a daughter, I know that is your main reason for even wanting to get over this.

When people say time helps, they mean months or years, not days or weeks. And even then.... Please know even though I don't know you, I really do care. I really wish I had the right thing to say. But I know I don't. In fact, I think the best thing would be to just sit and listen to you, hug you when you need it. Many people in your life will be well-meaning and try to offer advice. But so many of them just will not be able to understand what you need. Especially since not even you know exactly what you need.

Talk to him. As if he were right in front of you. Go on a walk with him. Get out your anger. B/c, even though you love and miss him, I'm sure you are angry too, but don't feel like you don't have the right to be angry. DON'T feel guilty for that. Think about what HE would want for you and  your daughter. Him in his right mind, not the state of mind that took him away from you. But the REAL him.

Unfortunately, to heal, it must be faced head-on. Don't you just wish you could wake up and see it was all a bad dream? Do you still have those days of... I can't believe this is real... ? I don't know how we humans survive such pain, but we do. And as impossible as it seems, there will be a time it is easier than today. You will never forget, but maybe you'll come to your own understanding in time that helps you be more present in your life and your daughter's. Encourage her to "talk" to him as well. And to not harbor any guilt in ANY way or take it personally, or ask the questions like "If only I had...". Those things will only make it harder on you both.

Re-live the wonderful memories. Celebrate that you had 16 great years. Give thanks that through him, you have a beautiful daughter. Let the life he HAD mean something, not the life he won't.

Coming from a person who has felt like everyone I love would be better off without me, know that when in that state, the thought of another feeling the same way broke my heart. Whatever the reason, your husband would want you to live your life well. And I can't explain it, but to do such a thing... I know that place. I know what it is like to justify to yourself that you would be doing others a favor, when in reality you tear their world apart. It is a selfish state of mind, for sure. I've been there and don't quite comprehend it. So how could another?

I will keep this with me always. Your story touched me. I can't tell you how much I wish I could reverse things for you. One day though, your story may help others. Shout it out loud, and you may help prevent someone else from suffering in this way. Learn about it. There are support groups, I'm sure, in your area. Where you can at the very least be around those who get it. Who understand.

I will think of you and your daughter and wish you on the path to healing....

Answer 3

Sweetie I am so sorry for your loss.  The best thing you can do is take take one day at a time.  I think you do need to sell the house and you and your daughter find a place that you both like.  Like others have said, get rid of his clothes and etc....  Remember all the good things and all the happy times you guys had.  You may never know why he did what he did.  But know this YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!!  Please do not blame yourself.  Obviously, your husband was suffering psychologically and in his mind, that he was only way out.  I understand what you are feeling.  My husband's father and his brother both committed suicide.  I understand the guilt that you are probably feeling, but know that the guilt is misplaced.  You have nothing to feel guilty for.  Just remember to take one day at a time.  I don't know if you are a religious person, but God will help you though this if you let him.  He may not always calm the storm but He can calm the storm in you.  God bless you and your daughter.

Answer 4

in order for you and child to get over the day to day memories of him you are going to have to sell the house. give his clothes to charity, make donations of everything and you and child find another house or condo, put some of the proceeds from the sell away for her college. but in the new place allow her to have pictures of him in her room if she wants, but you have to get a grip. you CANT and you WILL NOT ever understand WHY. so you MUST MOVE ON. but you also have to allow yourself to grieve for your loss. but will not be able to move on in the same house with all the reminders, it will drive you CRAZY. GodBless

Answer 5

The best thing you can do for yourself is to move.. you will just have reminders like this every day.. you need a change in scenery and get back out in the world... im sorry

Answer 6

Not easy...You need to have confidence that things will get better. Live one day at a time. Try to stay focused on what is important for you and your 14 year old daughter. Take Care

Answer 7

I lost my husband to suicide in July as well. Married for 8 years together for 18 in total, 2 young children. I remain in the house (that he completed suicide in) for the comfort of my children and keeping their lives as routine as possible. I understand the lingering memories that remain. I immediately sought professional help, and I have rearranged things in the house some what. I have most of his personal belongings in a separate room so I don't have a constant reminder slapped in my face. I also find that as long as I make it to the shower in the morning I can go though the motions for the rest of the day. Just focus on the shower, one small step to regain your life. We have a long road ahead that few understand, I know that others have travelled this road and so can we, just one small step at a time.

Take care of you

Answer 8

first it has been a very short time and you had a very sudden and shocking loss.  What you are going though is a normal part of the grief process but that doesn't make it any easier

Find a support group for people who lost love ones to suicide, call a local hospital and ask they keep lists of these things.  Your daughter may benefit from something like this too.

Make any decisions very carefully, I know for about 6 months I was truly "out of my mind with grief" and I wasn't thinking clearly about anything.

I understand you desire to get out of the house but at the same time it is your home and your daughters home and if you regret it later you can't undo it.  If you really can't stand being in the house why not rent it for a year and see if you want to sell after that?

There are some excellent books for surviving spouses, one is "I am grieving as fast as I can"

Get some trained support for you and your daughter and give your self time.

Hugs

Answer 9

here is a hug 4u....I cant imagine what you are going through hun....it will take time....talk to friends....talk to people online (it may be easier to talk to a stranger.

Answer 10

It's not your fault that he killed himself.  Maybe he felt he had no other options, but either way there is nothing you could have done for him.  He made that decision.  It might help you to find a counselor/therapist.  You can talk to them about feelings you have and they can answer questions very well to the why's.  Good luck you will make it.

Answer 11

I am so sorry.. My son's father was killed right b4 fathers day and even though we wern't together it still hurts, so I can only Imagine what you are going through right now having been married for so long!!

First- you have a right to your feelings, take them as they come, you will always miss him, the key is to one day be able to smile again! and your daughter may be key to this.

second, the house.- I can understand why you would want to sale, but before you do, walk through each room of that house and remember the good memories!  then decide if the bad outways the good, if you still want to sale, go ahead. also ask your daughter if she wants to move and maby sit down together and have a memory lane discussion, you two need to hold each other and help each other to start the healing process, good luck hun, and take care and I hope one day u can smile again!