My husband doesn't understand my feelings. What do I do?

Question

My husband and I got married almost a year ago and most of that was a 9 month long distance relationship because he was in the army. Two weeks after wedlock he finally admitted to me that he had s*x with another woman and have went out on dates with a few others prior to our wedding. It totally broke my heart for it happened during the times he was on leave to visit me. Ever since then i felt deceived and cheated . I feel like my rights to know before getting married with him was just stolen from me. Had i known my decision to marry would have been delayed or different. Our relationship continued because the thought of divorce scared me. After all the pain, I waited for him to get out of active duty because he promised he would prove to me how much he really was sorry and how much he loved me. I held on the hopes of him fixing my broken heart. He finally got out of active duty and is now back home with me but the relationship just got worst.

I expected him to prove to me how sorry he was and to show me that he really does love me but it never happened.

He is so insensitive. I've tried talking to him about how we can rebuild trust and the foundation of our relationship but it goes in one ear and out the other.

When we get into an argument and I start crying, instead of him comforting me, he will ignore the fact that im in pain and will turn the situation to be all about him next thing you know im the one comforting him. I can't even talk about my feelings to him without it ending up to be all about his feelings. I can be crying in pain right next to him and he'll be on the couch flipping through the channels or playing video games on his computer. His way of saying sorry is to say "dont be mad anymore...." He doesn't understand the pain he has caused me and how bad i just want him to make it all go away so we can move on but everyday he proves to me how much of a jerk he is who says he will make an effort but doesn't take action. We fight atleast once a day and he could care less if i was mad or if he had said something that hurt me. I feel so hopeless. We still have unresolved issues and now the army is sending him back to active duty and will be deployed for 2 years. We only have one month left to atleast resolve some issues but he isn't trying. We got into a fight today because he lied to me and denied lying ang yelled at me for it. I started crying and he said "dont be mad" wtf is that?? i got even more hurt at how insensitive he was and i told him to just give me some space and then he yells at me saying "if that's how you want us to be until i leave then so be it!" he went to the garage started packing for his deployment (he knows that doing so would hurt me).

*I don't know if ive explained my situation in a way you are capable of giving me advice but i just want an unbiased opinion.*

My husband is once again leaving me and during the time he was out for 6 months nothing got resolved. if anything, our relationship got worst because of his lack of effort in affection or communication. He will pretty much leave me for 2 years with unresolved issues, with pain and resentment in my heart. I don't even know if all of this is worth it. Ive lost hope and i don't even know what to hold on to anymore for those two years that he will be gone. Am i wrong for feeling this way? what is your opinion?

Answer 1

am sorry to tell you that u r living in a fantasy nightmare.   you should have annulled the marriage when he told you u weren't the one.  Your self esteem is soo low that you think things will change and yet nothing is happening.  Stop complaining and do something about it.  Divorce isn't the end of the world. Get one a move on.  There are plenty more men out there.

Answer 2

You chose poorly.

Answer 3

I'm of the same opinion as the rest of the answerers, this relationship is going no where.

Answer 4

It takes two people to make a marriage "work", and he is not willing to do his part, so the marriage is doomed. You have many unresolved hurts that will never heal. Unless he tries to resolve them before he leaves, I would tell him I want a divorce, and start proceedings. No need to waste two more years of your life. He is not going to change. Sorry, but that's my advice!

Answer 5

divorce the prick

Answer 6

You are not wrong to feel that way.  He does not give a dam about you.  ignoring your feelings and pain is a form of emotional abuse,  denying lies that you know are true is called crazy making,  another abuse tactic,  he doesnt care this are all red flags for an abusive controlling man,  the self centeredness is A MAJOR red flag for control and abuse in the future.  Men like that DONT change.  What keeps women in a relationship like this is the hope the man will change! Again he wont.  I lived in a relationship like this for 8 years,  i was emotionally abused that much that I had 2 nervous breakdowns,  With the help of a lovely psychologist I got out of the relationship.

What would you prefer, being miserable while divorcing your husband,  or would you like a lifetime of mysery because you husband is too self centred too have any empathy for your feelings.  Please read why does he do that by lundy bandcroft.  It will explain absoloutly everyting to you.  YOU DESERVE BETTER!  Divorce him and get your self respect back.  

Answer 7

Im not trying to sound negative, but your husband sounds like what is called a master manipulator. He tries to spin every situation into being someone else's fault. From your story it sounds like you are the usual victim.

Sadly, my advice in such a situation is to leave the situation. People of this mind set need to hit bottom before they change. There is a man out there who thinks you are beautiful how you look and act, leave this abusive relationship and go take care of yourself.  

Answer 8

I would reconsider your position in this marriage. Maybe a separation, until he's back for good and willing to work on the marriage, is in order.

It's really as simple as that in your situation.

Both partners need to work on the relationship in order for it to work!

Good luck!