My husband encouraes physical fighting w/ our children- what do you think..

Question

I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. The little one is always taking stuff away from the older one. He doesn't know how to share yet. And if he gets frustrated, he stars slapping or bitting the other one. One I see this happening I try to separate them or I stop him. My husband in the other hand, is concerned that our older one runs away from the little one when he is chasing him to bit him or hit him. He yells at the older one to no not run, to fight his brother, take the toy back, hit him, punch him, push him, defend yourself. He does it in such a manner that he is yelling really loud, intimidating him. I even heard him tell him tonight to punch his brother in the mouth. To me, encouraging this type of aggresion can be detrimental to his behavior as he grows. I have tried to talk to him about it, even family members have told me that he shouldn't be doing it, he could hurt his brother, but he believes he is just teaching him how to defend himself from a 2 year old. What do you think?

Answer 1

BAD idea husband!!! Do you really want to be the parents called into your sons kindergarten classes for beating the other kids up? Your husband is teaching your boys its ok to beat people up if somebody does something they don't like. You need to be teaching the younger boy to wait his turn (which I'm sure you realize). Although I do understand that your husband is basically concerned that the older boy needs to stand up for himself, he's going about it entirely the wrong way. Simply teaching him to say "NO!" or "Thats my toy!" should suffice.  

Answer 2

Wow, that is soowrong and extremely dangerous, all children learn most of the things they need for life in the first few years, and boys especially from their fathers. This is detrimental to their health both at home and towards their future as it's teaching them that violence is more then ok that is needed. which as you already know is wrong. Ask any child psych, both of you as parents should be encouraging behaviours that are not harmful. If your husband really wants his boys to know how to defend themselves and yet still learn to fight purely for defense then what about enrolling your boys into Karate or Judo or something like that as they will learn how to defend themselves but also about when it's appropriate and when its not.

Sorry but your husband is an idiot if he thinks encouraging 2 lil boys to fight is a good thing when their understanding and reasoning skills are skill hugely under-developed yet as their brains are still developing and they literally can't understand consequences to actions yet.

Answer 3

Stick to your guns and do not allow your husband to do this to small kids.

Has he ever read any books on child development, child psychology, the education and training of children?  You might want to introduce him to some good books from the library.

Continue to teach your children to share toys, encourage your 4 year old to share some of his things so that the little one doesn't have to take them, make the 2 year old return the toys that he takes from the 4 year old, be consistent, be firm - no biting, no hitting (that rule applies to both of them).

If the little one bites or hits, remove him from the situation and tell him gently that we don't bit and hit.  Don't let him play with the toys until he tells his brother that he is sorry.  A child of 2 years old is not too young to understand that behaviour has consequences, not necessarily punishment, but if we bite, we can't play with the toys.

Good Luck (with your husband) the kids will learn to get along and share, but I'm a bit worried about your husband.

I wonder if he was a child who was bullied when he was little?

Answer 4

it is important for kids to learn to defend themselves but not with violence i agree with you your husband should not be telling your older son to hit and bite.try to teach your kids to ask for things if the other one has them.i am sorry but i would be very concerned about your husbands behaviour with his kids i would not leave him alone with them

Answer 5

i think that u are right, and that this sign of physcal aggression and violence should not be encouraged. at a young age, it is best to teach children that talking it out and being polite is the best answer to problems. Just remember, when ur sons are older and stronger, would u like them to solve their problems in the same manner???  

Answer 6

defense is taught when a child is old enough to understand the concept and that is why he has parents and all your husband is doing is teaching the youngest his actions are okay

Answer 7

I agree with both of you guys. Your husband is trying to get your son to be able to protect himself so that later on he will not be bullied. You are right because it is a little to young to start them in physical fights. Let them start fighting in one or two years. Then they should be all good. Hope it works out.

Answer 8

i think you need to tell your husband to stop that bad behaviour, or you need to leave him if he wont.....................hes a totally out of his tree..........

fancy teaching young kids to grow up aggresive...really bad of him..........

Answer 9

that really wrong!! If your husband wants the older one to learn how to defend himself then enroll him in a karate class! This way he'll learn how to defend himself. But your husband should not encorage this behavior if he feels comfrotable enought to attually hurt the smaller child they he might do it school we he gets angery at someone! And try to set limataions on the smaller child, when he doesn't gets what he wants put him in time out until his rant is over!  

Answer 10

i think the real issue here is that your husband shouldnt intimidate your children, force them to do things that dont feel right or treat them like animals. this behaviour will also breed resentment between the kids in a few years and could possibly ruin their family life. your husband sounds like the ugly sport parent, cant fight and feels insecure in public so is living through his kids, way to early and in a poor way.

Answer 11

if your children are taught to be physical they will be fighting not just his brother...not saying that is right they will be fighting other children in social settings. once they begin school they will  be sent home all the time for fighting. it is not a good thing to teach the children because you can not go around beating people up just because you are not getting your way. i would also worry that if your son is to tell a teacher or a concerned adult that they are encouraged to fight that your husband could get in trouble. i think i would put my foot down and if he doesnt like it punch him in the mouth lol jk

Answer 12

I think that you are right that they should not be doing that.  You are right to try to structure them that way.  The problem is that the father is trying to teach his son not to run away from situations that maybe your child should walk away from.  I think that your son should learn to talk to his sibling but should not use violence.  

Answer 13

your husband is dumb!

most little boys are violent and as they get older they should mellow out...

so your kids are normal.

but your husband is making the older one feel bad for doing the right thing...

you might end up with a spoiled mean younger boy and a sad self conscious older boy...

Answer 14

Was your husband abused as a child? Either by a sibling, parent, or another child?  He needs counseling and should not be left alone with those kids.  My son is 3 years older than his half brother and would come home from his dad's with bruises.  He would tell me that his brother would throw things at him, hit him with the vacuum handle and so on.  After speaking with his father and step mom, it still didn't stop. So, when the boy was 5, I told my son to just haul out and hit him as hard as he could in the arm.  He did, and it stopped finally. My son has a soft sweet heart and I love that. Protecting yourself is one thing, but, teaching violence is another.

Answer 15

As a counselor, I have experience in working on parenting issues.  Encouraging aggression in children is never a good idea because one of 2 things happens - they retreat and are easily intimidated or they overdo it and are very violent.  Your 2 year old should be at the age where he would be responsive to time-outs, simple consequences (like taking away a toy that he might be playing with at the time), and telling him in simple language that what he is doing is wrong.  You may have to physically restrain your 2 year old so he learns that you don't react just because you want something right that minute.  Now is the time you want to have clear consequences with your 2 year old so his behavior doesn't get out of hand.  Hope this helps.