My husband had an affair.What do I do?

Question

My 'so called' best friend called me this morning to tell me that she had an affair with my husband.However , it had been last year, and the affair has been over for 6 months.

I had no idea that this was happening.I am so hurt,angry,depressed..you name it.

Confronted my husband . and he admitted to it.He's begging for forgiveness and a second chance..This 'so called' friend of mine had marriage troubles of her own, and this is how it started.

Please tell me what to do??..To those,who have gone through this,please I would love to hear from you..

Answer 1

Leave him.  You can forgive him then move on.  He cannot control his zipper and his pants keep falling down!  He could have helped your friend by listening, not by lying down with her.  He could have told her to speak to you directly, because she was your friend, not his.  Friends do not behave this way.  

She was not your friend, if she was, she would stayed away from your husband.  It doesn't matter that she was having marriage difficulties; all married couples do.  The thing is they do not solve them by sleeping with other people's husbands.  So, now you can have marriage difficulties.  Misery needs company.  

She has no boundaries. She should have contemplated the consequence of this.  She should have felt how wrong it was to sleep with someone else's husband, especially, if you two are friends.  I rather have enemies.  She is not your friend.  Friends do not do things like this intentionally or unintentionally.  

Having s*x was not a mistake.  It just didn't just happen, like Oops! we had s*x, but didn't mean it, like as if you fell down from slipping on a banana peel.  End both relationships.  You will find someone deserving of you.  Forgiving may come easier than forgetting.  Good luck.

Answer 2

I'm not asking you to forgive your friend or your husband, but i would give them credit for confronting you with this and being honest about it.

I know you are angry but try to calm down and think about this clearly.  You ask for the things that you want--a marriage counselor for six months, access to all his phone and email records, or what you think you need to get over this anger.  You have to also give yourself time to realize that your husband wasn't happy and the relationship with you didn't just include him--it included you as well.

Whether you stay with him is your choice and it will be hard EITHER WAY but you need to see your part in how there was space for him to have an affair.  There needs to be a lot of honesty and communication going on between you and your husband, and i think a mediator would be your best bet.  The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.

Answer 3

As hard as this may be right now, it only seems to get worse if you don't face your true feelings about this on your own.  Get therapy if needed, but no one can fix this one but you with prayer.  Some marriages make attempts to get pass this, and some times it works.  In my case, it didn't because she was determined to have him, and after 31 yrs, I gave him up to this one, after so many others.  Now being as lonesome as I feel some times, it's like would it have been worth it to share him.  No, it wouldn't have been worth it too me, so, I've made the right decision for ME.  You have to do this for YOU.  Wish you luck!

Answer 4

Hi Red

Your so-called best friend is just that - "so-called".  Number one, the affair (fling) shouldn't have happened and they are both responsible - both she and your husband.  Second - she had no reason to tell you about it six months after the fact.  People will say that honesty is the best policy but sometimes, remaining quiet is the most loving thing to do.  There is nothing to be gained from her disclosure to you this morning.  All she is aiming to do is hurt you.

Your husband is begging for another chance and that decision has to be entirely up to you.  People do make mistakes and sometimes it's definitely a one-off.  

I would give it some very careful thought before I left him but I wouldn't have to think twice about the "friend".  

Ask your husband for some time-out perhaps.  Just take some time to breathe and think it through.  He's still there with you isn't he?  He didn't run off with her.  That speaks for itself.

Good Luck

D

Answer 5

This is such a tough situation, I'm really sorry you're having to go through it. I don't understand how friends can do this to friends, not to mention what your husband has done to you.

Many people would find it hard to overcome this and carry on in the relationship, but there are many other people who do find a way. It's really up to you. How do you feel about your husband? Do you still love him? Listen to your heart, not what others will tell you.

I'd recommend you both go see someone, professionally, You do have a hard road ahead of you, whichever path you take. Good luck!

Answer 6

Obviously your "friend" is not happy with your husband for not continuing with the affair.

Are you happy that your husband has admitted to it and is asking you to give him a second chance to redeem himself.

Leave the "friend". Let her solve her problems on her own. Perhaps your husband was just lending her a shoulder to cry on and he got himself into a mess. It is over, isn't it?

If you want to mull over something that has ended, you will only make yourself miserable.  

Answer 7

You have a couple of choices.  #1 If you really think he is sincere and you are willing to put your heart on the line for him again, forgive him and warn him that you will be much more alert this time.  Tell him that if it happens again it is over for good!  #2 Not forgive him, and start over, which may be hard with children, but it is doable.

Either way will be rough at first.  It is up to you whether the marriage is worth it or not.

Answer 8

I didn't even read the additonal detail to this question. I saw my husband had an affiar and that's enough for me to answer. LEAVE HIM!

Answer 9

Once a cheater always a cheater. Six month affair he had pleanty of time to think what is right from wrong.  I would say leave him.  He is not to be trusted

Answer 10

I'm a huge advocate for marriage, but seriously, you need to leave him for awhile. You're going to go through all the stages of grieving. Get individual and couples counselling. I know I would personally have to divorce him. I'm not capable of that kind of forgiveness. But hopefully you are better than me.

Answer 11

I'm so sorry to read this..

This happened to me also.....

It took a lot of hard work and councelling to get things to a place where I feel our relationship is alot more stronger than it was before the infedilty.  

You will go through stages with this.

At first I was numb, then the reality set in then I was angry and resentful.

It comes down to a few things if you stay and it may be too early to answer these at the moment.

Firstly, if you decide to stay and both of you work on the relationship are you prepared to completely forgive him and move on bettering your relationship

Secondly, do you think you have the strength to get through this, as its one of the most crushing and draining things your body will ever go through.

Thirdly, Do you think you will ever be able to trust him again.

I have read alot about this topic and also did over 12 months of intensive marriage councelling and books and professionals ALWAYS say!!

"If you decide to get through this with your partner and ride the roller coaster that is ahead, you will have a better relationship than before the infidelity"

PM me if you want to talk about this more in depth..

Regards  

Answer 12

I agree with Marina.  

Answer 13

You leave him. Period. He didn't slip up once, he carried on a RELATIONSHIP with that woman for six months while you were the naive one he was coming home to and pretending with. How do you ever get past that? I couldn't. Your husband is a scumbag.  And, be thankful your 'friend' told you. Don't shoot the messenger. Just cut her off...that's worse. They're both dispicable. I feel for you.

Answer 14

well it was not a friend of mine whom betrayed me but more like his ex she had heard we were having problems , he confessed to me the same as yours naturally i blew up, left, but he pleaded for me to come back anyway the moral of this is betrayal doesn't matter by whom its still a nature just the same from experience he really does love you some women of viciousness not look to gain but to destroy for there own miserable satisfaction mean women such as her is a misery loves company theory i believe he is truly

sorry men are week of the flesh we are strong in the mind in time buy his labor to you he will regain your 4giveness that is what he seeks truly i know you wont 4get but u can let go as far as miss functional you are more women than she could ever be . infidelity is a hard thing to over come but you , you have the will and that is what makes u Superior

Answer 15

Get rid of him...