My husband had premarital s*x and I was a virgin, it really bothers me...

Question

We married at 19 and he has had s*x with 3 other girls. I was a virgin when I married him.

I know the past is the past, and I SHOULD just get over it and be thankful that he choose me, but I just can't seem to.

It really really tears me apart. The past few years it has been bothering me more and more...

I wanted to share the most personal parts of ourselves with eachother. I wanted him to expierence something so personal with just me. He gets to say he is my one and only and only he knows me inside and out and I just wish soooo bad that I could say the same. But 3 other girls know him the way only I should.

Maybe it is because of my upbringing.. [i was taught not nessesarily that pre-marital s*x is horrible, but that you should wait out of respect]

I feel cheated because I had to "share" my husband with other girls.

Is this totally wrong of me?

I want more than ANYTHING else in the world to be able to move on, but it is slowly but surely tearing our otherwise wonderful marriage apart.

How can I move on?!

Answer 1

Unless he's cheating on you, you are/did not share your husband. He has pledged himself to you and only you. I don't want to minimize how you feel about this issue, but him marrying you should show you that he loves only you and now he only wants to share that part of himself with you. Good luck and hopefully you can put this part of his past where it belongs.

Odie

Answer 2

many women experience this.

  By the sound of your upbringing and more on a  subconscious level, forgiveness is what you need to  work on. Nor did it come out of nowhere, it was there all along and is being brought forward now, to be dealt with.

   We dream all night long and few remember one or two per night, if any.  But it is that, which brings it forward and that's why it has been growing worse. I would bet that on those occasional meetings, you harboured more of those subconscious feelings which created the dreams.

    And remember...

  The hands of time are wound but once and no man has the power

   To walk again the beaten path, nor take back the hour.

Answer 3

I don't understand why u married him if u feel this way? The only thing to do if forget about it, u are so right when u said he married u and not them. I would look at it that way i'm sure he really loves u so try to forget and move on and enjoy life with your husband!! Live today with your husband as if it was you last day on earth with him because we are not promised tomorrow.

Answer 4

You really didn't shared your husband. When he slept with  3 other girls he wasn't your husband.

Answer 5

what are you 12?

Answer 6

you are right in time that all the world is wrong...u should be proud that you were virgin when all your friends lost their virginity , and your husband should be thankfull because he found an honest lady like you, try to explain this truth to your huband and he will understand and appreciate you more , maybe he will love you more and treat you as a queen ....as a unique diamond...by the way ..how the ancient makes holes in the diamonds ( when the diamond is the hardest material)...of course by PATIENCY...be patient and you will succeedddddddddddd.

Answer 7

Tell your husband the two of you need to go to marriage counseling about this.  It is obviously bothering you a h**l of a lot.  At first he will think it is unnecessary.  Tell him the two of you need to do this to have a healthy marriage.

Answer 8

This is human nature. I know how you feel.  Although I slept with a few women, my wife only slept with one other man.  However, very rarely I find myself thinking about that one dude somewhere in the world.  They did only have s*x with a condom, so I try to console myself into that making myself feel better.

Really I guess it's pretty silly.  My best advice, just try not to think about it.  Sorry, I know it isn't great advice, but it's all I got.  Jealousy is part of our emotional make up as humans.

Answer 9

go to family counseling so that they can help you what your husband did is in the past and you knew it when you married him so try and get some help before you hurt your self even more then how you are hurting  

Answer 10

you have to ask yourself this question: if you had done the same, had pre-marital s*x, would he have accepted your past and married you anyway? . . . if the answer is yes, let it go

Answer 11

You should not have married him if one of the characteristics you wanted was a virgin for a husband.

Answer 12

I am in a similar situation, and although I think I've passed what I consider to be my 'worst years' it still bothers me slightly from time to time.

Although I was brought up in quite a strict catholic family, when I met my current partner, a lot of what I had been taught, just flew right out the window ie. the idea of waiting for marriage before having s*x.

At the time I was 18 and thought it was true love (turns out it was, as we are still together 6 years later), but the only issue that i was struggling with was our different experience levels. As he is nearly 3 years older than me, he had been with many other girls before, and unfortunatly this was something that I found very difficult to accept. I always wondered if he ever secretly compared me with the other girls, and I constantly felt like it was all so unfair. I had given him something that no one else would ever have with me, where as he has shared the same thing with several other woman. wheres the fairness in that?

As time went on, I became very distructive in the relationship, trying to force fights so that I could yell and scream about this issue that was eating me up in side. Eventually, he caught onto why I was so distressed about it. He began to feel bad about the whole situation and would apologise over and over again. That, then made me feel even worse!

How on earth could I have been so angry and mad at him about something he had done before he even met me. The past is the past, and it takes time to accept that. Even today I still sometimes wish that I was his 'special first' but nothing can be done to change that, and youve got to remember that a 'first time', no matter how special it seems, will become very unimportant later on as you realise that he chose you. Why waste your time stressing about something that cant be changed? Enjoy each other and your beautiful marriage!

Answer 13

Yes, it is totally wrong for you to think the way you are thinking.  The best way for you to move on is give your head a darn good shake or get some therapy.  You obviously have some serious issues that need to be addressed if something like this is having this kind of effect on your marriage.   I'm not saying this to be hurtful or disrespectful but think about what you are saying.

You are not sharing your husband with other women as you suggest.   What you are doing is unfairly judging your husband for his past improprieties.  You are also being selfish.  You "saved" yourself for only him so that he would experience something "so personal" with just you.  But because he did not save himself for you something is missing in the relationship.  And yet I'm quite sure you already knew before you got married that he was not a virgin.  So why was this not an issue earlier?

This is an issue that should have been discussed before you married your man- not after.  It is a little late to start having second thoughts.  What do you expect him to do about this?  He cannot change what has happened.

You have said that you have a "wonderful" marriage.  If that is true then my advice to you young lady is that you start focusing more and being the wonderful wife that I'm sure you can be and less on wanting the perfect husband and perfect marriage.

Addendum:

BabyB~  I read your added details comments.  Perhaps what is upsetting you is that since you "know" some of these other women in your husband's past it disturbs you that at one time they were intimate with your husband.

Perhaps you're even concerned that maybe they satisfied your husband better than you and you are somehow in competition with them. It sounds like there is some sort of jealousy complex  going on.

What I suspect is that you are not a secure person or a confident person and that your husband not being a virgin when you married him has little to do with your issues.  I think if you were not aware of who these women were it might not be an issue.  But that is just a guess.  

But the fact is you live in a small town and these women have absolutely nothing to do with you, your husband or your marriage.  You are allowing by choice to let these past relationships determine your happiness and how you are going to relate to your husband.   That is not fair to him- or to yourself.

Answer 14

0ky there is nothing wrong with him having s*x with 3 other women before you. he love you and that is the end of the line. stop stressing over it. is not something where you need to make it a big deal of. let it go.  how are you sharing him with the other girls. they are not in the bed when ya ****. maybe it does have to do some thing with the way you were bought up. good luck