My husband has another child that I just found out about!!

Question

Okay, so I have been married for almost 5 years, & my husband came home yesterday & told me that he has a child with another woman. The child is 6 years old & it happened before he knew me. He said that he just found out about the child himself. He hasn't had a test done but everyone in his family look alike & the child looks just like him. I really dont know how to react. We really dont have a great relationship & the only time we get along is when we have s*x. I do love him, he is my first love, but if I would have known this 5 years ago I wouldn't have got married! We have 1 child together & I do not want anymore, period. I feel bad because I feel like he should take care of his responsiblities but the mother of the child nor the father have said anything to him about the child being his. All of his "friends" keep telling him, that IT IS his child. I dont think he should mess up their family & his own family by starting anything. He feels like he should do something!

Im confused & stressed out. Sometimes I wish I were single at the age of 23, not married. What would you do if you were me?

Answer 1

If I were you..

1) I'd get a paternity test done. Get a hard confirmation. It's great that the kid looks like him, but you're about to face some interesting legal issues (like child support hearings), so be very, very sure. It's not heartless or callous to make certain, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

2) The new child is not your responsibility. The husband and the existing child are. Sit down and talk out with your husband what your feelings are about this situation. Decide between yourselves, as adults, what you'll do going forward. Be sure to let him know you don't want another kid in your house. Be sure to let him know that will cause you a *lot* of problems. It isn't that you don't love him or your child together -- but his apparent youthful indiscretions aren't your problem. ( Then again, after thinking about it, maybe you'll see them as something you need to accept and work through as a couple; maybe the man's worth it. Your decision will vary; you aren't me, even if I'm pretending. )

3) Figure out why the child was a mystery for six years and only now came up on the radar. There's a lot missing from the story. Dig for it. Understand completely why it is that the child's existence was just announced and what it will mean to you and your family.

As appropriate,

4) Consult a lawyer with further questions regarding the legal questions when they come up. Do not let yourself get blind-sided. It sucks to have to do all this because of something your husband did when he was younger, but this is reality - don't leave this stuff to anybody else. Trusting too much got you where you are today, right? So take steps to make sure that you're protected.

.. and if you decide the situation can't be lived with, that's another good reason to consult a lawyer.  

Answer 2

Don't be a *****. It is not as if he misled you, he didn't know either, and this must be a shock to him too This is just one of many issues you and you spose will deal with from now to forever.  Suppose he lost a leg?  Would you say "I would never had married him if I knew he was going to lose a leg?"

Now, as a wife, it is your duty to be supportive,  encourage your husband to step up to the plate, claim responsibility, and help financially and emotionally support the child.

Oh yeah... one more thing... congratulations on your new step-child.  Deal with this child as your own.  Now your child has an older sibling to look up to.

Answer 3

Well everyone makes mistakes.I mean yes he has another child But even if he had known about it whats wrong with that. You fell in love with the man. Yes it seems to be a stressful time for you and I dont blame you.Hopefully they get a dna test soon. If you and him dont have a good relashionship then maybe counceling would be good for you or a marriage workshop. I understand that you dont want him to mess up anything.But if he is being a man and wants to help her then he has every right to and you cant blame him for that. If I were you I would sit down and talk to him about it.Yes it would bother me and yes if he wants to step up and do something you have to respect that and atleast understand he is being a man. If you love your husband

Answer 4

if you love him then you have to except this kid. period.he didnt know.your not the victim here.....

or you can walk out and be selfish.

Answer 5

I was exactly where you were two years ago!  We found out my husband had a 4 year old little girl and we had our 2 year old little boy, we did the test and child support was taken out of his check almost immediately.  We also had to pay back child support.  I hate him and resented him and the little girl in the beginning, I felt like I was trying to build a normal life and that screwed up everything.  I was so angry for about a year.  My husband and I actually separated due to how much I hate the situation.  It has been a long road, but I actually love the little girl now.  However I do have days where i feel like I don't want to deal with this.  Sometime I hate the fact that she has his only girl, but I think it takes adjusting.  I definately think you should go to counseling if you want it to work.  We had to simply because I was so angry and he didn't understand.  The child deserves his/her real father to be in his life; and you will have to treat that child as though he/she was your own.  Which is very difficult to do at times, believe me.  But you have a child now, and your child deserves to know his sibling.  It is going to be hard, honey, I am not going to lie to you.  But the love you have for your family should be worth the fight.  Good Luck to you and your family!!!

Answer 6

If the mother and the father of the baby are not saying anything then Just drop it..I'm sorry this is going to sound messed up and I'm going to get thumbs down but i don't care....he is pretty much nothing but a sperm donor at this point and time..If the mother wanted to get child support or wanted to let him see her that would be one thing but there is a reason it not happening because the man she is with is the babies dad that's it.. Don't let it ruin your relationship..but if you dont get along unless your having s*x then you need to re think your marriage.