My husband is really hard on my kids, but not his own?

Question

My husband (my kids step-dad) is really hard on my kids. They are 10 and 6 and he is always yelling at them, getting frustrated with them and putting rules in place that he doesn't put on his own kids. His son lives with us and is 15. He seems to look the other way when his son does some of the same things my kids do. The 15 year old does NOTHING around the house but play video games, but my kids are required to clean, do dishes, and are yelled at if they don't. I've tried talking to him about this, but he just blows me off. He says that I'm accusing him of "hating my kids". I don't feel that way, but I just don't think its fair to expect so much from mine, but be so easy on his. His 17 year old daughter lives with her boyfriend and his 15 year old son gives new meaning to the word lazy....I don't think he is any position to judge my parenting skills? HELP!

Answer 1

well tell your HUSBAND to back off.. they aren't his kids. id say start parenting your own before you parent mine.

but its possible because they are younger he's just trying to in force discipline to make them well-rounded.

Answer 2

Start treating his kids the way he treats yours.

Answer 3

I agree with the others suggestions,

treat his kids like he treats yours.

I would guess that he sees how screwed up his kids are, and thats why he is so hard on yours.

he doesn't want them to turn out the same way.

Any solution is going to lead to a huge argument in which you will both be forced to deal with the problem.

I would tell your kids "if daddy says something you don't want to do, ask me if you have to do it"

that way when he catches them doing something their not supposed to, ( or not doing chores) they can say "Mom said i didn't have to"

then he will bring the agrument to you.

but if you come down hard on his kids, he will bring the argument to you either way.

i guess it really depends on how long you have been married, if its only been a year or two.

you guys need to get this worked out, and the marriage is still new enough that nothing should be taken for granted.

if you have been married awhile, then you probaley should have stopped the problem as it arose.

good luck to you

Answer 4

You guys really need to get on the same page. You need to cite specific examples and get him to understand your position on his subject. This has to get nipped the bud otherwise your kids will resent you for not sticking up for them when they were being treated unfairly. The key is being diplomatic about it. You can't point the finger and say "well your Johnny is lazy", that will turn into a nasty fight.Maybe start by making a list that is comparable to the chores he has your kids do and talk to him about his son contributing more around the house so all the kids are being treated fairly.

Answer 5

well i remeber i was being unfair to my wifes kids and my wife got mad so she put me over her knee pulled off my undies and pants and gave me a spanking

Answer 6

I am the child of a mom who made a hobby out of marriage. So, I've had plenty of experience with step-dads. The bottom line? YOU are the mom of those children, so your word is ultimate - which is exactly the approach my mom had to finally take with the last one. I remember almost every word she said...

"Listen, PAL. Until you realize that ALL the children in this household are responsible for helping out and TAKING TURNS, don't tell my kids what to do. I'M the mother - if there's something that needs to be addressed, I'll address it. You got that?"

It was the ONLY time I saw the man back down (then again, my mom sounded like a crazy Jersey chick who had had the last straw).

So, my advice? Take a similar approach. Start telling his kids what to do (turning off the video game even if they're in the middle of it with the comment "Go help my Little Johnny do the dishes. YOU wash, he dries and so-and-so puts them away" or what-have-you). If things head south b/c the Almighty Step-King is bristled by your behavior, try the route my mom did.

Answer 7

Start a chor calendar. Sit him down, right down all the chores WITH him, and then place the kids name next to their chores. Maybe once he sees it in writing, he will realize how little his own children (or child) actually does when they are there.

And if his 17 year old daughter is already living with a boy, there is something wrong there anyway. The next step may be counciling, he is missing something here, and it is probably affecting your kids deeply, or will start to do so soon enough.

Answer 8

i agree he wants to yell at your kids then do the same to his!!he should not be do that to your kids that's bull c**p.

Answer 9

I'm a fan of Dr. Phil. He's got some REALLY good advice. Here's a link for what he says about stepparenting

http://drphil.com/articles/article/243/

Here are some aticles about general parenting.

http://drphil.com/articles/category/4/

Best wishes to you and yours!

Answer 10

I think he probably doesn't know how to handle his kids as they are older and is frightened that yours will turn out the same way unless he instills some kind of discipline.

However, in a family everyone should work together. Have a family meeting about what each person thinks they can do to help around the house and then draw up a rota. If the 15 year old won't stick to it then take away some of his privilages.

If this doesn't work I suggest you and your kids only do things for yourselves and go on strike when it comes to doing anything for them, then maybe your partner will see how selfish the boy is being. Or it may be time to live apart.

Answer 11

Don't allow him t blow you off with excuses when you talk to him about this.  Sit him down and explain to him what you just said.  Tell him that your kids should be treated just as he treats his kids, and if he doesn't listen, then tell him that if he ever tries to punish your kids, you'll let your kids do what they want.  Just try and let him know, that you want him to see all the kids as equals, and not a diveded family stuck together.

Answer 12

This the biggest reason why this never works, your kid my kid our kids. There is no such a thing. You should both see it as our kids. If you can't then the marriage won't work, pronto.

Answer 13

I like what smwat said. Start returning the favor. If he won't subject his kid to the same rules he subjects your kids do, make sure you subject him to those rules. Withhold s*x if your husband gives you interference.

Answer 14

If you've tried talking to him about this but he won't engage in the conversation, then you might want to consider some family counseling.  It might be useful to have an objective 3rd party who can help you both let go of your personal biases and communicate more effectively.  If that seems too drastic or expensive, maybe you could consider reading a book or two on the subject -- I would imagine there are dozens or hundreds of books written on the subject of mixed families and step-parenting.  Check Amazon or spend some time in your local library doing some research.

Answer 15

Well since he is making your kids do things, make his son do things.  Take away the video games and dont give them back until he has done things around the house.  You are his new mom so treat him like your son and not like a guest.  If your husband gets mad tell him he has no right to.