My husband just recently told me he didn't love me any more...he says he doesn't know what he wants, has PTSD?

Question

Does his "OUT OF NOWHERE" behavior/ feelings have to do with the PTSD? He was in the Marines for 4 years and got out this past January. He was deployed twice to Iraq and the first time he received the Purple Heart for his wounds in action. His personality changed shortly after getting out of the service, but it was a subtle change, kind of like, "Oh, this is civilian life now." It has taken a drastic turn in the past couple of months. I think he is just confused...he has told me he doesn't know what he wants, then he tells me he thinks he wants a divorce, then this morning, after our oldest sons doctors appt, he helps me load them into the truck and hugs me?? What is his deal? My life is being shredded to pieces! We have two children together and I don't want this to be over. He is the LOVE OF MY LIFE!! I have stood by him and supported him through thick and thin, I love this man like there is no tomorrow. I am so hurt...we will be married 4 years September 13. Any advice? I'm doing all I can on my part to try to save this marriage, asking advice from family and friends, speaking with our priest...he hasn't agreed to counseling, and I think that's because he will then have to admit he has a problem. I am even following through with going back to college. I start September 2nd...GO ME! I am currently staying with my mom...and I hate it! I just want my husband back. Is it related to the PTSD or is that just an excuse I am looking for to give the man that I love an easy out? I don't want to lose him!

Answer 1

Wow, sorry to hear that. I would just advice to let him have his space for now and just be there for him. In the meantime, continue your education and taking care of yourself and your kids. He may just need time to himself and figure out what he wants. I hope it works out. I know the feeling and you must be crushed.

Answer 2

I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I didn't even know my husband when he got out of the military but it still effects me and our relationship and how he acts. My husband hates to talk about when he was deployed and a lot of times I only hear about it when he is having a nightmare.  Your husband just has to find himself again. He is like a 30 year old teenager.... I'm guessing for the most of his adult life he has identified himself as a Marine and has had the military to take care of him and his family. Now he has to make sure that you have a house and food and a car to drive and clothes and a job. Before he just had to worry about a job and the rest was taken care of. He is right he doesn't know what he wants and he doesn't know how to find out what he wants. He is going through an identity crisis and he has trauma's that he has to get over too. He just needs to adjust and your support and someday he will understand what he has put you through and hopefully he will say sorry. Good luck.. You can email me if you want to talk more

Answer 3

PTSD, the sickest for letters in the world!

I can't see you or your husband, and it would be hard for you to say everything online, but it could be PTSD.  It could also be the fact that he's not a Marine any more.  Your husband wasn't a solider, he was a MARINE! He defined himself by that word.  It was who he was.  He wasn't just a man, but a Marine.  It is an ego thing.  It can be as hard for him to say who he is without using his name as it is to not use that one word.  

The PH suggests that he could have PTSD.  Risk of life is one of the criteria that is used to identify the illness.  The sudden on-set or changes, also suggest something going on.  As for what is going on in this messy little war, well, it is very possible.  I have only known one war that was even close to being neat, and this one is pushing for the longest and bloodiest since Vietnam.  For it to mess with him, would be perfectly normal.

Getting help isn't going to be easy.  Anyone who seeks mental help today is branded insane and risks a lot, even if people say they don't.  A whole generation of Vietnam vets went through h**l because the VA mistreated them and many ended up shot for simply reacting to the problems they were having.  Had it not been for them, PTSD wouldn't have come so far, either.  They were the first to bring it to the attention of the world and demand treatment.  

There used to be a book out by a woman named Patience Mason, the wife of the author of Chickenhawk, a book about Vietnam.  She wrote it because, like you, she was a wife dealing with the issues of PTSD and needed help.  If you can find it, I recommend it.  It is in simple English, very clear and has a lot of good info in it.  If you have a Ph.d, some of the newer stuff can help, but they are long and dry reads.  

If you think you are confused, he is actually worse.  Basically, there is a war going on inside him and he feels as if he is only making things worse for others.  Believe me, at first, I thought I was losing my mind...er, what little I had left. :)  Along with PTSD goes depression, so you can keep an eye out for that.  Leaving the Corps will cut into who he is, so he may seem up one minute and down the next.  

On a good note, his service can help prove his PTSD and that could help with treatment and maybe bring in some extra money, which can always help with medical bills NOT COVERED by the VA.  Of course, he can also try for Social Security Disability, though they usually don't offer enough for the paperwork you have to go through.  Make sure, if you go for the VA, you have all your ducks in a row.  They take great joy in shooting them down very quickly.  

As for me, I wasn't a Marine.  I know more than a few, and I've had them save my butt once or twice, so if I can help with this mess, I'm willing to stick my foot in my mouth.  In fact, I just picked up a copy of a book about dealing with the VA, and would be glad to send you the info or check it for you.

Good luck and thank him for sticking his neck out over there.  

Answer 4

WHY ARE YOU TOO NOT LIVING TOGETHER? Where are the kids living? He is living with his family? or Is he living alone?

Important!

If he you two are living apart because he wants it that way, Make up a child custody visitation schedule and make him live by it.

Don't do little family things together....It will be tougher on you.

Have him come over, pick up the kids, and bring them back at the agreed time. YOU DON"T GO WITH.

If he wants you to to go,,,you say no. But if he wants to take you on a date, leave the kids behind. AND NO s*x

Personally I think we all go through PTSD and we all handle it differently, but the fact remains we still have responsibility. Like brushing our teeth, so, most of the time people just use stuff as an excuse for bailing out of the responsibilities.

Some people lose a  leg and they are bed ridden the rest of their lives, while others find a way to get a prosthetic and are running 25 miles a day.

GO YOU???? NO way!  While you are being selfish living with your parents , using them to take care of the kids, taking out loans for an education, and your husband off doing only he knows what,,, Looks good on paper (back to school) but is an excuse for sidetracking your responsibility.  (unless you are enrolled and attending nursing school to become an RN)

Answer 5

Emotional Insulation is one of the worst symptoms of PTSD. It sure sounds as if he has one major case of Emotional Insulation.

Deep down he still loves you and the kids very much. To protect himself from being hurt in the future, he is denying his emotions. He feels nothing about anything.

It will take more than just the normal PTSD treatment for your husband to become normal again and show his emotions. He needs psychiatric counseling and possibly medication to feel normal again.

You should call the VA and ask if they will provide counseling for both your husband and you, so you will know how to deal with his illness.

Or, it could be that he doesn't have PTSD and has fallen out of love.  The psychiatrist can tell you which it is.

Answer 6

It sounds like it is PTSD.  War is h**l.  He probably feels bad about himself.  Go to counseling on your own.  I think you should be patient with him and keep telling him you still love him.  I've seen men whose spirits were broken by being in a war; they don't feel they deserve to be a husband and father any longer because they feel so bad about themselves.  

Answer 7

I think  Aka S said it  and gave you some good advise ..

i just wanted to  say that i am sorry that you have had to go through all this  and to thank you for  what you  have gone through  for the rest of our country ..and PLEASE THANK him  for going !!!!!!!!!!

Answer 8

Sometimes when one realizes that it could end any second and death is all about, they  need to bust out of the chains that binds them and LIVE LIFE!!! You already lost him, baby, get out the way.