My husband lied for over a year about the relationship......?

Question

we are in and the state of it.

I became extremely depressed for the year i was pregnant through our sons 7th month. One day out of the blue my husband turned to me in the kitchen and said,

"I'm leaving."

He had rented an apt for him and our son and they were leaving that night. I begged him to stay through the weekend and talk to me because he had never indicated that there was a problem and had consistently continued to tell me how much he loved me and to make plans for our immediate and long term future. i told him I thought it was just fair that he give me a chance to talk to him and try to figure it out. That Monday I was placed on anti depressants and things became instantly better. i am still on the meds and things are going great, just like it never happened.

Except I have huge trust issues, I never know if he is telling me the truth about his feelings because of the lies he told during my depression, i am constantly afraid that he is going to turn to me and tell me he is leaving again, always second guessing myself and him, and I often have the random though that I hate him for lying the way he did and going about the situation the way he did. Even though I understand WHY he did it the way he did it, and I DON'T hate him, not even a little.

What can i do to start trusting him again and get over this?

Answer 1

You shouldn't.  Get your act together and get on with your life.  Obviously he wants a different one than he has now.

Answer 2

There is no magic that will make the trust come back.  

You've got to keep working through it, like you are now.  Keep sharing your honest feelings with each other, both the feelings of fear -and- the feelings of overpowering joy, love & happiness.  

It is awesome that you both recognize not only your own mistakes along the way, but that you recognize the humanity in the other person, the fear & hurt that lead them to react as they did.  It's an unconditional love that recognizes that & forgives it & feels sad that the other was scared & hurt.  

The patched places on your favorite comfy jeans are actually stronger, once patched, than the rest of the jeans, sometimes stronger even than the original fabric that tore or wore through.  And, it's the patched places on a relationship that make it stronger, unique & beautifully your own.  Keep working to fill this space of fear in both of you with a place of beauty & strength for your relationship.  

Answer 3

Just because you were depressed does not mean you were the only person hurting.  He probably just couldn't take it anymore.  You are being illogical, a symptom of depression. He sounds like a good guy. Next time, seek help sooner. By the way, a parent cannot move out and "take" a child with him.  He first needs a custody agreement.  

Answer 4

Aaw, you poor thing.  I don't really have a good answer, but definitely counseling for the both of you together would be a great start & then time.  (((((HUG))))) Hope everything works out ok!!

Answer 5

While I understand that you were hurt and frightened by his method for getting your attention,  you need to understand that his HUGE leap of faith in trusting you now...deserves some admiration.  It seems to me that you are still wanting to put the responsibility for the relationship on his shoulders.I don't KNOW that that's the case...but it sounds like it. Good luck and God bless to you both!

Answer 6

most people are social, creatures of habit. nobody wants to be alone.

even worst is being with someone with whom you don't or no longer have a special bond with, can make the other person feel like their alone. HONESTY is the key to any relationship, but honesty is only expressed when the other person has no fear of punishment for being honest, whether that be a guilt trip, fear of abandonment, disagreement, not to mention problems with finances,childeren,work,

fidelity. Theres so much at stake because most people tell people what they want to hear to get what they want.  most of us dont really want to know what are partners really think of us, because we are

to weak to deal with it..  Definition of Love is :Appreciation, we appreciate what people do for us, and when they no longer do those things, theres nothing to appreciate. hence no love.   People are only

as faithful as their options or choices, and when they have choices

especially one that they make think is better, they are going to do it.

theres nothing wrong with that. everyone should be or be able to do what makes them happy!  People can not make other people happy,

they can only divert their attention from life's reality for a little while. then after they know what to expect from you, the relationship is over.

you have to do new things to keep a relationship new. anyway i gotta go. but my mate of 15 yrs killed herself a couple of years ago, after

i found out she was with my brother.  enjoy life and move on, dont try to hold on to something thats not their. the other person will secretly

resent you for it.  remain friends especially when children are involved

Answer 7

Answer - forgive him and you will start to heal.  I know that sounds simple but it really is hard emotionally.  Just remember, you are not forgiving him because he deserves it but because you do.

I have a friend whose wife actually did leave him to run off to a foreign country with his best friend and all their money.  This was just after he had sold a very profitable company to take an early retirement so he had no income, no wife and no best friend.  He tore himself up for some time, swearing and plotting revenge.  Forgiveness is now the first rule of his life and he has gone on to live a pretty good life.

There is a pretty good article in WikiHow you may want to read that touches on this:

http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Being-Jealou...

I hope this helps.

Answer 8

Maybe he was putting on a brave face throughout your depression while inwardly trying to figure out how to handle it.  More than likely he thought he could fix it for you.  Guys in general feel the need to fix things, on their own...and when they can't it is extremely frustrating.  Maybe the moment he turned to you, he had just reached his breaking point.  You two recently had a new baby together, combine everything that goes into that with attempting to share and relate to your significant other with this new little person in your lives, add depression to the mix and wow you've got the makings of a tough situation there.



I am not insinuating that this is all your fault (like some other a**h*le here); I had a bit of depression myself after having my daughter.  And most people in my life, as much as they wanted to, could not figure out how to deal with me.  They had never seen me that way.  Some backed off, a little too much, and admittedly I am still having trouble forgetting that...almost two years later!  It hurt me deeply and I've got to take the steps to let that go.  

I wouldn't call it "lying" so much as trying to do the right thing and not succeeding.  Sometimes the "right thing" isn't always the best thing; granted he should have and could have been straightforward with you...but would that have perhaps made it worse?  Or maybe he just feared that it would, and that was enough to keep his thoughts/feelings from you.  

Take the steps you need to accept that this happened - you've already taken them to help your depression (which is awesome), so you can do this.  Accept it and move on so you guys can have a honest healthy relationship.  

Sounds like you've talked it out honestly, and are owning up to your actions.  Continue to keep everything on the table and ask him to reciprocate, or this won't work.  That's pretty much what I do now, and it works well.  Good luck!

Answer 9

Just keep telling yourself over and over that it was YOUR FAULT.

I'm sure he loved you, he just couldn't take your depression any longer.

He was trying to love you and keep things going, but YOU weren't working at it   until you finally got on the anti-depressants.

Just keep telling yourself   it's your fault!  He does love you if he is seeing the meds helping you.  

Answer 10

dump his ***

Answer 11

You talk about him "helping you with the issues that came up because of the way he decided to go about things," but who's helping him address why he decided to go about it that way in the first place?  It sounds like you and he are both still under the impression that this is entirely your problem to deal with, when it sounds like he's got some communication and/or coping hangups of his own.  If he's not in counseling with you right now (or if you're not in counseling to accompany the meds), then he should be.  If you're in this relationship together, then there's no such thing as a problem that's all on one person's plate: whatever affects one of you affects both.

Answer 12

It is difficult living with a person who is low and depressed all of the time. By how your husband left, sounds he took your depressoin persoanlly, as if he were the cause of it. This made him resentful and angry. So he planned his escape in order to hurt you back. I agree, this was a cruel way for him to leave you, but I believe he did it out of frustration and resentment. I can understand how the way he  went about proclaiming his love for you when all the while he was making plans on leaving can make you not trust what he says. You both were coming from different points and experiencing different pain for different reasons, but you both were hurting. He felt resentful and hurt because of taking responsibility for your depression. Your depression made being married to you difficult. Instead of him understanding the situation and getting you the help you needed to overcome the depression, he instead took it to mean that he was failing as a husband. If you ever ask any man what would make him happy in his marriage, they usually answer, "to see my wife happy". Get you & your husband into therapy to help overcome this very difficult time in your lives. I wish the both of you the very best. Good luck to you!

Answer 13

Time is the only thing that will help.  I can understand where you're coming from completely.

Your view on it was if it was so bad for him in the first place, why would he not make the effort and at least tell you how he was feeling so you could try to work on things?  Out of the blue, when you think everything is going okay, he up and says he's quitting you and the marriage.  That has to be an extremely hard thing to deal with.

I'm glad you got on medication and began to help yourself -- I'm sure you must feel much better inside too and that's very important.  I'm glad things worked out with your husband and you decided to remain together. :)  The problem is, you're going to be constantly wondering whether or not he's going to just up and leave again.  That fear is not just going to go away anytime soon.

When my husband and I were just BF/GF and living together, we separated for a few days.  He kicked me out out of nowhere, and I went back home to my mother.  After a few days he elected to ask me to come back home.  I came back happily and we resolved to work on things.  For a LONG time after that, I was constantly worried about him doing it again.  That was about 3 years ago, and I would be lying if I said that I never thought about it.  Sometimes if we're having a fight, the fear will creep back into my head "Well he quit on me once he probably will again."  However, I trust that my husband will stay true to me for the most part at this point.  I really only worry about it if we're having a bad argument or something.

It will get better, you just need to take things slowly and cautiously.  He needs to show you that you can trust him by being loyal and always being there for you when you need him.  Have him resolve that he will always come to you with any issues or problems he's having -- especially ones within the relationship.  I'm sure everything will work out wonderfully for you.

Good luck!

Answer 14

you guys need some serious marriage counseling. my husband and i are in counseling bc after our youngest was born i got post partum depression really bad. he'll be 2 in november and im still trying to deal with it. my husband had a really difficult time dealing with it but he understood that it wasnt really my fault and the counseling helps him realize that also. your husband needs to realize that it's not your fault even if it takes a pro to let him know that. under the circumstances he probably was wanting to leave bc you were being irrational bc of your depression. if your depression is better he's prolly not going anywhere rightnow....BUT he needs to talk to you! and you need to make him. otherwise how will you make your relationship successful? there has to be good communication and it needs to start with him supporting you and helping you cope. i hope this helps! good luck!

Answer 15

Maybe your husband was afraid to tell you the truth?  I can understand why you feel the way you do, but you need to talk to him and let him know how you feel.  

Answer 16

i think you should just leave him alone

Answer 17

I can see this in two different lights.  Perhaps the threat of leaving was a " tough love" decision forcing you into seeking the medical help that you needed.  If this was the case then hats off to your husband for understanding your need for help and knowing how to go about getting you to see the importance of it.  The other is that just when you needed love and support the most he decided to leave.  Not so good.  Like the vows you both took when you married, "though sickness and health" , right ?  

Answer 18

The fact is depression will probably always be an issue, and he is a coward for not helping you through it and talking to you.  Seeing to it that you got the help that you needed.  You took action and are now getting help, but he could've been honest about his feelings long before 'leaving' and tried to get you help then.  He recognized your actions were not really you and he chose to run from it.  You all have a child together, so I strongly suggest that you try everything before calling it quits.  I would suggest marriage counseling.  It really works when both parties are honest and really want the outcome to be the best.  It really helps having a third party there.  Just don't hold anything back, lay it all out there, no secrets.  Tell him exactly how you feel about things and he will see you are and open up and hopefully do the same.  There are a lot of books the therapist will probably recommend for you both, and take advantage of that.  No one will tell you how to live your life, but it will give you skills and ways to deal with things that you may have not thought of before.  Just try your best and that's all you can do.  Don't feel guilty because you have trust issues with him now, you have every right to.  Also being depressed already and someone just up and taking your newborn away... I can see where you would have a LOT of bad feelings there.  Try counseling, that may just do the trick.

Answer 19

You shouldn't try to to be someone else just so you fit in with a relationship.  Time to call it a day and move on.  You can never truly trust him and you know that deep down neither of you are the people that the other one thought they were.

The depression is not an issue, his response to it was.  It is sad, especially when children are involved, but this relationship will never be the same again.  Move on.