My husband made me sad...am i wrong?

Question

Well, we have an interesting situation in our family. My brother married my husbands sister, and now they are getting divorced. I love them both and i don't want them seperated but it is her fault that this is happening. Well my husband wants them together soooo badly. He had been calling my brother and trying to convince him to work things out. Well some awful things happened and my brother is having anxiety attacks. This runs i my family, i suffer from them, but this is the first time in his life that this has ever happened to him, he told me that all these years he thought i was just being sensitive and freaking out over nothing but now he knows...ok back to my question at hand, my mom called me and told me that my brother doesn't want my husband calling him right now because everytime he presses him to work things out with his soon to be ex and ends up having panic attacks. My brother doesn't know that i know this and she didn't want me to tell them because he feels bad that i am involved at all (o yes, did i mention his soon to be ex wife is currently living with me, while my husband is in kansas for the next few months, and there are 5 kids between the two of us, none of which are my brothers

) yes, this has been fun. So i called my husband and told him the situation and asked him to please stay out of it and not to call my brother again, if not for my brother and his sister then at least for me because i am already directly involved and stressed about the whole situation i don't need to add anymore to my plate.....so what happens tonight:? i get a call from my brother, barely able to breath because he's freaking out, becuase my husband called him to talk to him again! i tried talking to my husband about it but it mostly me crying and him telling me he can talk to whoever he wants...i know that he is upset and he wants to help but A) his sister doesn't want to be married anymore and B) The two of them being directly related to both of us no matter what makes this situation even harder for me and i would hope my husband. I feel we need to be neutral and help with superficial things. I told my brother and sister in law that i can help with food shelter and resources but i can't give advice or give a lot of emotional support to either of them right now becuase i cant be responsible for any decisions that they make, only because of our relation to both of them!! ugh!! i'm not even mad about the phone call situation, i am soooo upset about it!! How could i tell him this information about my brother and ask him specificly not to call him right now and he does it anyway! i mean his sister is the one that decided this was over yet all he takes into consideration is what he wants....honestly why am i so upset about him doing this?? should i be upset or should i be understanding because it involves his sister?

Answer 1

u are right your husband should leave your brother alone. I know how panic attacks work to and they suck. The more stress u have the more likely they are to come on!  

Answer 2

It sounds like an upsetting situation and I understand your frustration, but your brother is an adult and can choose who he talks with. My suggestion is to (calmly) talk to your husband again and remind your brother that he does not have to answer the phone or can simply hang up. Good luck.

Answer 3

You have a right to be upset and you're right...your husband should be staying out of it.  It's their marriage and it's up to them to end it or do what needs to be done to salvage it.  Outside influences, aside from counseling, are never a good idea.

Best of luck with the difficult situation your in.  I hope it all works out for the best.

Answer 4

Wow, thats a lot to absorb, but I did read every word.

Thats a really sticky situation. All in all, I would be pissed that hubby didnt listen to me and still went and called the brother. You specifically asked him not to do something and gave him very good reasons why he shouldnt, and yet he blatently did it anyway. Tell him to BACK THE h**l OFF!  Unless he wants to be dealing with the same thing himself!Its not his relationship to meddle in so just butt out and let whatever happens between them happen~

Answer 5

stay neutral,be understanding and tell your nosy husband to stay out of it, for everyones sake.

Answer 6

I'm not going to give you advice on your hubby. You know better than anyone how you feel and how he treats you.

What I will say is, if your husband upsets your brother so much, your brother needs to stop taking the calls. Check the caller ID, unplug the phone or hang up. Your brother is a grown man and he is also putting you in the middle. I feel for you though, me and my brother are really close. But I think maybe brother is enjoying a little attn and babying!

Answer 7

You definitely have a right to feel the way you do.  You are trying to remain neutral in a difficult situation and your husband keeps placing you both in the awkward spot.

Answer 8

you should stay out of it completely.  the best thing you can do is advise your brother to see a doctor and get on medication for the anxiety... that should help him... otherwise, the divorce situation isn't any of your business, not your issue and you would be right to keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself... after all, these are relatives of yours, and it's best to remain neutral.  

as far as your husband goes, your brother needs to tell him he's finished talking about the divorce... you can't rationalize this to your husband, or explain it away.  your husband is sticking his nose in where it doesn't belong.

you can't control what other adults do, unfortunately.  i hope your husband doesn't ruin the relationship he has with your brother.  Your brother and his wife's personal decisions should be respected and left for them to deal with.  your husband must have some control issues.

Answer 9

upset. your husband does not respect you. period. tell him to back the f off.

Answer 10

Be firm but understanding and compassionate.  I would just say - I love em both dearly.  This is hurting me as much as them.  I feel its best to be neutral since if they do get divorce, we cant appear to take any sides so we can continue our relationship with both.    

Answer 11

I would tell my brother not to answer the phone from my husband until this is all over.

Sorry for your situation, i'm sure it's so uncomfortable.

Where is your dad? I would ask my dad to ask my husband NOT to call my brother, cause if he is your husband, he should want to respect your dad (or mom if dad can't do it)

Answer 12

Nothing like family to really make a mess of things  huh?

Yes, you should be upset-- it is your brother. Yes, you should be understanding of your husband-it is his sister.

Some thoughts for you to explore:

I noticed a lot of action words pertaining to both you and your husband. Not enough though between the combatants. Where are THEY in all of this with regards to each other?

Is it important to decide whose fault the divorce is?

Why can't your brother just set your husband straight-having him  speak with his sister and maybe knock some sense into her head?

Your husband thinks and acts differently than you. That might be why your separate methods of "helping" are miles apart. You clearly are unhappy with how he is doing things, but why are you taking his ideas how to solve this as a slap in the face to you?

How are you de-stressing? Your own emotional well being is what appears to be holding this together.

How much of everybody Else's problems are you taking responsibility for?

You have good reason to believe that you know what your brother is going through. Would you be willing to recommend a professional combo=meds and counseling for him to own his issues, and let go of what is not his? Prayer might not hurt either.

I hope this is somewhat helpful. I feel your pain -this is the best that I could do.

Good luck.