My husband of 14 years has been having sexual thoughts about other women. Am I wrong to be upset?

Question

My husband has been a musician for years but joined a band about a year ago. This is not something that he has experienced before. He has grown out his hair and now has a 'bad boy/rocker' image which I find very attractive. I am 36 and he is 42. We have had trouble on and off throughout our marriage and have separted a couple of times. The trouble always comes back to his desire for other women. I am very attractive, built well and extremely supportive of his music. I am a more than adequate partner in the bedroom. His friends all adore me and I do my best to support the band however I can. I have only missed one show. We have five children between us but three of them are grown and on there own. All of this and he is constantly tearing me down with his comments about how he could have this gal or that gal. Or how he thinks that almost all women are sexually attractive to him. Tonight he was having trouble sleeping so I randomly asked him what the first thing he thought of when I said 'peanut butter' he started laughing and said that he thinks he has a problem. When I asked again he said he immediately thought of an older dark haired lady at yesterdays show that he thought was hot. He is now sleeping in the guest room. Am I wrong to be hurt by his blatant stupidity? I know that what he has is great but am tired of feeling like I am just not enough for him. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP! I think loving him is slowly killing me!

Answer 1

It's part and parcel of marrying a musician, celebrity, etc. Other girls will always be sexually attracted to your husband. There's nothing much that you can do there.

However, your husband should remain fidel and loyal to you despite having women throwing themselves to him. He should have provided you with the reassurance that you're the only one in his life.. not saying that he has sexual thoughts about other women!! That's definitely wrong!

Talk to him and tell him that his actions are upsettting you and that this is emotionally exhausting. Hopefully, he'll stop that behaviour.

Answer 2

and it will kill you, it's called emotional abuse!!!! and any kind of abuse is unacceptable. You need to be honest with yourself, do u really love him? Can you see yourself growing old with him in joy or sadness? Is he just going through a phase? Is it perhaps "MENopause? All men fantasise and so does women but no one tells there partner about it, and laugh and admit they need help. Maybe he was asking you for help GOOD LUCK and all the best

Answer 3

Hi,

It is natural for guys in 40ies to think abt other fem. You need to remmeber always, that s*x is different from love. Just becuase he talks abt other girls, it doesnt mean he doesnt love you. Be happy he is happy to share his views and feelings without hiding anything from you. Accept him for what he is.

When he talks abt other fem, just laugh and join in fun with him. Most important, never say no for s*x just becuase he talks abt other girls. That is where the gap widens. what is wrong if he talks abt other girls? be happy as long as he loves u. You both had been seperated and again being together shows that u both really look for each other. Be happy and enjoy the life. Let him have his space around. I would say, it doesnt matter even if he sleeps with a girl, just becuase of his curiosity. Just tell him to hv his life the way he likes. Sure he will love u much more for being so understanding.

remember, s*x and lust is different from love. Love is abt he looking for you when he needs someone with him.  

Answer 4

Men are ALWAYS going to look and think. They're hard wired for it. It sounds like he's going through a mid-life crisis and is very insecure in how attractive HE is to women. This could be something that passes, and you should just play off or even laugh it off or joke WITH him. Like make some comments about that hot guy at the mall.... Something like that. Join in.

Don't punish him for telling you the truth, especially if you ASKED (when my hubby giggles about something random I don't even ask anymore. It's almost always sick or perverted, lol).

Answer 5

I am married, and while most men think about other women or fantasize, which is normal, admitting it is stupid.

Now, about you.  Is there something lacking in your s*x life that he wants to do and maybe since you don't fufill whatever need he has he fantasizes about other women doing it. Look at yourself and your relationship and see if something is lacking.  Sometimes when men do or say stupid stuff there is more to it other then being stupid.  Have a conversation with him and if you cannot open up show him this question to get things started.

Answer 6

It sounds like it has all gone to his head.  He thinks he's the next Tommy Lee and is emotionally casting you aside for his horde of adoring fans.  Even in his imagination the power has shown his true stripes and he's not even afraid to throw it in your face anymore.

This is the same kind of man who six months after he's completely lost you will come crawling back because he now realized what a good thing he threw away.  I'm sorry that this has happened to you, but no kidding that you are upset.

I wouldn't put up with another single degrading or tear down comment from him.  If he's your partner he needs to "man up" and show it.  If he's just a little boy wanting to sleep around and relive his childhood he needs to go, and let you get on with your life with a real man.

Answer 7

i am sorry but please with such a career that he is having dear u have to know that u will even have more that that en u just need to be strong,just let him know u dont like the idea en he should not be telling you,mesef i cant stand such a life u have to be carefull as many women will follow him he has to be a trustworthy man , all da best

Answer 8

My niece has the same problem with her husband and his drinking.

Simply put, she told him, you can drink all you want, any time you want, just not with me in the relationship. He goes to parties, he looks at it, he thinks about it, but he knows if he takes even one drink, the "party" is over for them.

Your relationship will not survive without trust.  

Answer 9

To be honest, thinking sexual thoughts like that is VERY erotic and he is probably already thinking of having s*x with other women as he is doing it with you.

I know because I been there and done that. Even though my wife does her best to meet my needs, there is just something so wickedly w***e-ish in our nature that itches for a chance to bang fresh meat.

Your options-

I hope your good at acting because this is going to take an Oscar performance.

Wake up one morning balling your eyes out. I mean cry like h**l! the more mucous the better. And then when he asked you whats wrong. tell him you had the most horrible nightmare. Say: I had a dream that your were having s*x with all these random women, and eachtime you did, some dark stranger stabbed my heart with a knife. And you saw him do it too, but you still had s*x with different women. Each time you agreed to have s*x, this person would stabb my heart, but you didnt even care! WAHHHHH!!!

- you get my drift??? you can ad lib whatever you think. But do this, and next time he has perverted thoughts he will remember this nightmare... remember, celebrities believe in dreams.

Don't thank me, thank your Maker.

Answer 10

Can you spell 'midlife crisis'? That's behind his joining a group now, and he's after all the validation he can get. All men ogle other women, all men fantasise about other women, it's just that in the rock circuit there are lots more ready and willing women than in 9-5 jobs. Talk to a psychologist if you want, or just dress up like a groupie and ogle the men in the audience. Their attention might raise your confidence - and your husband's hackles.

Answer 11

He is an idiot.  Even if he was thinking of someone else at his show, he should never, EVER tell that to you.  What is wrong with him!  He deserves to be in the guest room, and you deserve to be with someone who only has eyes for you!