My husband of 14 yrs just found out that I almost cheated on him.?

Question

My husband and I have been through h**l and back. But he recently found out that during a very bad time in our marriage, 10 years ago, I became friends with a man. We were just friends. My husband would take the car and then not pick me up at work. I'd wait for hours but he would never show up. This person would see me waiting and crying almost everday. After the third or fourth time he would sit and wait with me, while I tell him what my situation was, my husband had become a drug addict. One night he kissed me I stopped it immediately. Nothing ever happened. But now my husband found out and he believes in his heart that I had an affair with this man and may leave me if not now in the future. I never said anything because nothing ever happened.

His heart is broken and feels that he drove me to another man. But NOTHING HAPPENED so he doesn't know whether he's going to leave me or not because of this. I don't know how to make him believe that I ALMOST MADE A MISTAKE BUT I CHOSE NOT TO, BECAUSE i love him.

Right now our home is very sad and I don't know what to say to him. I don't think that anything I say or do will make him feel better. So I am staying to myself but I don't want to loose him.

What can I do?

Answer 1

Get into counseling and talk this out.

Answer 2

Just sit it out.

Answer 3

"Almost" only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. You didn't cheat.

How did your husband find out and what was the version that he was told?

It sounds like he's using your guilt to exert control over you and manipulate you. Perhaps also to make him feel less guilty for being such a cad. He's lucky that you didn't leave him those ten years ago.

Answer 4

I think your husband is being unfair here, after all to be blunt he treated you like ****,He put his addiction before you.

If you had slept with the guy that would be different.

Your husband should take some of the responsibility.

He should try too understand that you were both in a bad place back then, It was 10 years ago!

You have made it through together and shouldn't allow yourselves too be dragged back there.

Answer 5

Ah but you DIDN'T cheat. You did the right and moral thing and chose not to.  

Answer 6

Sounds like you need relationship counseling or therapy.  This sounds like a really tough situation and I am sorry you and your husband are going through this. A thearpist will help you both communicate regarding the situation and get to a solution.  Good luck. God bless.

Answer 7

"May leave you"?!!! Listen honey, this is HIS problem, not yours.  He's playing a power and guilt trip with you and trying to make you feel guilty by saying he might or might not leave.  Don't let him "decide" if he will stay or not.  That's just playing into his power game and filling his needs to feel better about himself, regardless of how it makes you feel.  Stand up for yourself.  You know you didn't do anything wrong - be at peace with yourself!  Would you honestly be happier with him or without him? Do you want to allow him to continue to rule your life and this emotional roller-coster he's put you on?  It sounds to me like he's abusing you emotionally - and has been for a number of years. Think of his actions ten years ago.  He put himself way ahead of you and didn't give a darn about your feelings. Yeah...he's clean now, and sorry for what he did, but he's trying to make you pay the emotional price of his decisions ten years ago. He probably feels badly for what he did and needs some way to make himself feel better.  He does that by trying to make you feel guilty and needy.  Don't buy into this game.  I think in the long run you'll be much better off without him.  A guy who does drugs, brings up an event that happened over ten years ago and won't let go of it (despite HIS behavior during that time) isn't worth very much.  Don't continue to play into the guilt game he's trying to lay on you - and it sounds like he's succeeding.  Either go to therapy together or you go by yourself.  If he's not willing to go to therapy to work this out that tells me he's not committed to you and this relationship.  Even so, you need to go to work through your feelings and come to the decision that's best for you.  Personally, I think you'll learn in therapy that this guy is just playing games and trying to cover up his guilt over what's he's done. By making you the victim and the cause of all the problems he doesn't have to face his behavior and what he has done to contribute to the present situation. This is a two-way street and he's trying to make it into a one-way street. He's made you the victim of HIS behavior.  Don't buy into it!  If you do, you'll continue to be miserable and he'll bring this up again, and again, and again because he knows he's pushed a button in you.  He wants/needs you in a position of needing him and feeling guilty.  Again, don't buy into it.  Go to therapy to work this out rationally.  Personally, I wouldn't waste another day with this guy!  Secondly, do not, do not, do not share anything further with your sister and brother-in-law!!!  Whatever it is, you need to say it, share it, discuss it with your husband nad/or therapist ONLY.  What happened is between a husband and wife.  It is no one else's business (except the therapist).  When you tell others they will put there spin on it and nine times out of ten this just makes matters worse. Limit "confessions" and sharing of very personal topics to your husband and therapist only.  Also remember, what is said in therapy STAYS in therapy.  This means you do not discuss your sessions with anyone else - except your husband if he was in the session with you.  If he was not in the session you have no obligation whatsoever to discuss what was said.  Repeat after me:  What is said in therapy STAYS in therapy. Your sister and brother-in-law violated a confidence.  They should be off the radar for any further information about your relationship with your husband, or any decisions, until they are set in stone!  You need to talk to a professional to get your world turned right-side-up.  Your sister and brother-in-law are in no position to help.  The more you share with them the worse the situation will get.  I guarantee it!  One final word:  If you start out with a therapist and are not comfortable with them find another therapist.  You need to feel completely, utterly comfortable with the therapist who's helping you sort out your feelings and decisions.  

Answer 8

Your husband is lucky that you even stayed with him. He better get over it, since he was the one who thought so little of you as to leave you hanging every day.

Answer 9

Sorry you're going through this - it's going to be tough to convince your husband otherwise. Maybe we can all learn a lesson from this - Be careful what you say & to whom you say it. Secrets have  way of co,ming out eventually & they don't always come out or get interpreted the way they went in. Good luck!