My husband parents so differently than I do! Help?!?

Question

My husband has such a different approach to parenting, and we're having a hard time coming to a compromise.

I cannot let my son cry. If I hear him cry (he's 5 months old) I figure out why and fix it, ASAP. I dont think that's "babying" him or "spoiling" him. I think that's being the mother of a 5 month old. My husband think my son cries "-for fun". and thinks that if he doesn't have tears then nothing is wrong.

That's just one thing in the 100s of things we differ on. He comes from a single parent household where his mother worked hard to support him on his own, and he didn't get any babying or special treatment becaue he was a child. Because of that, he views my normal childhood as coming with a "silver spoon" - it didn't, but i can't argue the fact that I had it easier than he did. How can we effectively combine our ideals to give our son a consistant parenting style? He's stubborn and I feel like if I change, it's at the expense of my son...which is not something i'd do.

Answer 1

Take turns with your husband on answering the child's crying. You can also explain, even if he does cry a lot, that is his only means of communication. They just constantly need the attention and care that you are giving them. He is 5 moths for crying out loud! He IS a baby therefore, a little bit of babying is allowed. I think your husband just needs to take a nap  to get rid of his cranky attitude.

Answer 2

i think its possible that your husband may be just plain lazy not to answer the baby's crying!

the baby does need constant attention. however, very soon your child we be capable of manipulation and that is what you will need to pay attention to-- you do NOT what to rush to give your child everything they want because they will be doing it just for the attention and to play games and have power over you.

but as for right now, i think he absolutely MUST take turns with you in answering the baby's crying or holding it so it doesn't have a reason to cry.  to make you do it all the time is going to wear you out, no matter how much you love your son.

if its constant night time crying, he should be willing to give you a break some nights.  if he is the sole financial provider and you stay at home, i would say it is reasonable that one weekend night you get to take a sleeping pill and he gets up with the baby.  or, he could let you take long naps while he takes the baby to the park.

if he is not willing or doesn't get it then i personally would hand him a book about babies so he can better understand what his son's needs are. this would be an ultimatum. he would be to read it and talk with you about it or...else? a no ifs ands or buts proposition.

Answer 3

I can relate to some of what you are feeling here! My daughter is now 2 but when she was a newborn my husband and I clashed horribly on how we viewed handling her! She would cry and I would try to fix whatever is was immediately, and my husband would just tell me to let her cry it out. He always told me to stop spoiling her etc! His parents were the just let them cry it out type and advised him to do the same! I couldn't stand that, I explained to him that I was not comfortable with that and that I didn't feel as if we were spoiling something so little that required so much! I just kept telling him how it was making me feel and that we as a team needed to be in this together and start "our" own way of doing things we are not our parents! After the first 6 mths of her life we got better about everything because I kept my feelings open, we still clash in a few places but for the most part we finally got this parenting thing down! I hope that you guys can work this out, and remember you can NOT spoil your child they need love and security at that age, they don't know any better! You spoil your children when they are older and can understand what you are doing! Ex.. buying them a toy every time you go shopping, that is spoiling! Calming your crying 5mth old is NOT! Good luck

Answer 4

Don't worry you are not alone. I am sure that there are other pairs of parents out there who does not see eye to eye on the parenting method of the other parent.

I share your feelings, my husband and I do not share the same parenting practises and beliefs. I encourage my children to express their feelings and reason out things with them (even though they are only 8 and 3 years old.) He, instead feels that the children should listen to him as he is the parent and if they don't, he starts shouting at them. I disagree with that practise and kids nowadays do not give in to fear parenting. Not like during my childhood whereby the parents rule by fear and punishment.

Since your son is only 5 months old, there is still time to plan out with your husband on how both of you intend to educate the child. What I do with my husband is to ensure that we do not argue in front of the children and when one parent makes a decision on a matter, the other parent should not step in and say something to the contrary. Both parents should be seen as a team when deciding on a matter for the child (in the eyes of the child). Any disagreement on the decision should be done behind 'closed doors' by the parents.

Usually, one parent will always be the 'bad' guy while the other parent would usually be the 'push-over'. But this type of association doesn't matter as long as both parents agree and is aware that whatever parenting method is used, ultimately it is the child that will benefit.

Answer 5

I don't really think he should be a parent then... You're a mother and you know what you are doing. Most importantly you're doing it right.

Don't let him convince you to parent differently than you're doing.

Answer 6

I had this discussion with my grandmother recently.  She said she "babied" my dad and ran to help him every sound he made, while my uncle, who was born almost 10 years later, she would let sit for a few minutes to see if the crying continued.  If it continued, she knew he needed tending to.  If he didn't continue, she knew it wasn't urgent.  She said if she could do it all over again, she'd go with method #2.  

That said, I don't think either of you are "wrong" per se in your way of parenting.  Everyone has their own style and preference.  However, I don't think you two should have had a child without a discussion of how you plan to raise it beforehand.  

You two really need to come up with a solid plan on how you're going to handle your child's upbringing and stick to it.  Otherwise you're going to end up with a child that will play you two like a fiddle!  "Dad says no so I'm going to ask mom".

Answer 7

This parenting gig is hard!! Good on you for trying to get it sorted early on so that you are an effective and consistent team.

Would he read a book? An easy one? Try something by Steve Biddulph.. or PinkyMcKay (links for both below).

Sometimes it's easier to talk / debate / agree / disagree about something like a book and it often explains some ideas really well when if you try to explain it yourself, it's a struggle.

I personally think you cannot spoil a little one, that the first year of their life is all about trust and important emotional connections, but getting your husband to see this may be another matter! Hope this helps!

Answer 8

ya'll should have talked about that before ya'll had a child... but you is doing it right

Answer 9

You will both HAVE to communicate. THAT'S the relationship!

You will both have to come to an agreement before the child realizes that you are a separate person from him. You and your husband will have to present a united front for the boy's emotional well-being. It is better to do something together even if it's a mistake. If either one of you is closer to the child than to the spouse, that's called "espousing" the child. It is referred to as a "crossed relationship". Years from now the child will leave home and the two of you is all you'll both have. While it sounds nice to some that the child is the MOST important it is not true. The MARRIAGE is the most important, even for the child's emotional development. In a situation where the child it at serious risk either physically or emotionally because of a serious imbalance of a parent then the child might have to be removed. Otherwise, it is healthy for the child to see his parents in love with each other and in agreement. That's what you want the child to copy when he's older. Soon you and your husband can decide some secret word or sentence that will mean you two have to talk privately. Make it something the boy will never figure out - something that has a different meaning to him. I saw a couple of good answers giving suggestions about how to get your husband to talk about it. You had a better upbringing than your husband so you have better judgment than he, but you have to be careful not to offend a delicate male ego. Many young women do not realize that they hold their husbands self esteem in their hands. A lot of young men, even though they love their wife very much, do not feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable by telling  their wife that she has that much power over them. Chances are very good that he feels lucky to have you. If you even accidently hurt his pride it can take a long time to heal. You're smart, just use your head and you'll be fine!

Answer 10

Maybe a counseling session or parenting classes where you could talk with someone who might have some good ideas on how to compromise. Though part of compromising does mean that it's not going to be just your way, and you may feel this is at the expense of your son, but your husband has some say too and needs to be considered.

Answer 11

My husband and I used to really clash over our different parenting styles. The one thing we have both learned to do is to listen to each other.  I realized that I was so busy "fighting" him that I wasn't recognizing when he had a valid point.  Neither of you has all the answers, and sometimes one approach will work better than the other.  The most important thing as your child gets older is to present a united front.  If one of you disagrees w/ something the other one has done, it should be discussed away from him.  As far as going to your baby ASAP, it wouldn't hurt him if you waited a minute or two before rushing over.  Sometimes babies need to just kind of vent their frustration.  If you keep jumping at his every cry, he will come to expect it.  I'm not saying to let him cry for 20 minutes, but if you're in the middle of something and he's not hurt, finish it up!  Just relax and try to let your husband do things his way a little bit.  Dads may not always do things the way we would, but if they're willing to help, that's a great thing!

Good Luck.