My husband refuses to discipline our 3 boys...any suggestions?

Question

Hi everyone, I have 3 sons and they are ages 4-10.Here is the problem...my DH refuses to offer any structure or discipline.We end up in screaming matches over this because I feel that the boys need there father (as well as me) to guide them & teach them respect.My oldest one "bows" up @ me and constantly sasses me.I attempt to spank or punish while my husband stands by and either watches or ignores the whole situation!!!!My 10 year old is a BIG boy.He is almost as big as I am and he scares me.My husband says that his lack of interferance is because of an incident that took place about 3 or 4 years ago(I mediated his disciplining our oldest boy,because he pulled his ear)He said that he will never discipline again.I am a stay @ home mom& I work VERY hard @ home.I do not feel like I should "do it all", nor do I feel like this is fair.I am over stressed & worn out.I feel like they all gang up on me.Is any body out there in the same situation or have any suggestions!I cannot go on like this.If I fail as a mother, then I fail @ life.I feel like I want a divorce.HELP!

Answer 1

Shozec hasn't a clue.  One day will not let him understand anything.  You have a very serious problem here.  Your husband is behaving like a child himself.  Unless BOTH parents utilized the same teamwork and dicipline techniques, you will both fail.

Without screaming, talk to him away from the kids.  State that you need his support and suggestions.  Listen to what he has to say, set some ground rules together, and do it.  If he does something that you don't agree with, then stay quiet until you can discuss it away from the kids.  Never put him down in front of them, this shows a lack of respect for eachother and the kids pick up on that. That is why they disrespect you, because he does.

Dad is teaching the boys that this is how they are to treat women.  See where this is going???

If he doesn't want to help, then he has nothing to say about how you do it.  If they are ganging up, then take a nice two week vacation away from home.  Stay at home mom is a full time job, and you need some vacation time, too.  Tell hubby he needs to handle the situation while you are gone, and go lay on a beach somewhere, leave the phone in the hotel room.  Nothing wrong with that.   Let him make the big D choice, and see that the boys are his when he leaves.  Harsh, but the only way, because you are right, boys need a father.

Answer 2

Tell your husband there is a line between discipline and abuse.  He crossed it during that incident years ago.  Ask him to go to a parenting class with you or read some self help books with you on setting limits and discipline.  

It sounds like your husband is being passive aggressive in opting out of disciplining the children. It is not a matter of just feeling offended about your intervention 3 or 4 years ago.

As for your eldest son, my mother was 5'2" tall and every one of her six children were 5'5' or taller.  We all respected her because she let us know in no uncertain terms that to disrespect her meant more h**l than we'd ever bargin for!  My father was less a disciplinarian, but we didn't mess with him or try to play him and my mother off each other either.

Don't fear your child! Let him know you bought him in this world and you are fully capable of taking him out if he ever raises his hand to you!  Say it and mean it.  Learn how to have a certain look in your eye. I'm old school and I don't believe how "modern" parents take this type of treatment from their children!

Stop hitting your son.  Punish him by other means.  Take away priviliges and ground him.  Stick to your guns when you do.  Don't go around and around with him.  The first sass he gives you ends conversation and he gets sent to his room.  If this fails because he refuses to comply, let him know that he can be made a ward of the state and they WILL control him.  Look into some counseling and/or places to send him to learn how to be respectful if he doesn't comply with your rules.  

The real problem here is your husband.  You need counseling to uncover why he is sabotaging you and your children.  

Answer 3

wow yes they need to be disciplined immediately.You need to first sit down with your husband, alone calmly speak with him.He needs to understand how serious this is.You discipline them because you love them.They must learn to respect you and your husband.They can be placed on punishment if spanking is a problem.Take away there favorite thing.Take them to places they enjoy and let them no they will not return if they don't behave.You should never fear your children.You are working hard to provide them with food and shelter.Make sure you do leave your husband with them for long periods of time.Go to the movies do your nails whatever it takes to be away.Explain it to your husband its wearing you down.

Answer 4

My husband and I have fought about the same thing for the past 4 years as well. I have gotten so mad at him I left and stayed at a motel. I think it is a father/son issue to tell you the truth. My husband has no problem disciplining our girls. But to him the boys are perfect angels.

It sucks, and we have almost gotten a divorce because of it.

But just think someday your kids will be grown and you will get your sanity back eventually! I can't wait till ours turn 18.

Answer 5

Tell him to grow up or he's going on P.R. Heck, put him on P.R. anyway...

Answer 6

I completely understand the situation that you are going through. My sister went thrugh something similar. My brother in law hit my nephew one time and my sister yelled at him and took my nephew out for the day to have fun because she felt bad for what her husband did. after that he stopped helping with the disciplining because he said that when he tries she makes him look like the bad one. So my sister was left wih the rearing and disciplining of her two kids; the kids were out of control. They did not listen at all, she spent her whole day cleaning their messes and running after them; she had no time for herself or her frinds or my family. So my father had enough of this and told her that what he is doing is wrong. my sister took a vactaion for a week with me and my mom and 2 freinds. the kids, who were 4 and 6 at the time, were left with him to take care of. he saw how she lived everyday and when she came back, things were different.

You need to do exactly what my sister did, im not saying leave your kids, no. im saying take a break and make your husband hav the kids so he can see what you go through everysingle day.

what you are doing is too much on you, it will takea toll on you and will effect your life 10 years from now

and do not ask him about this plan for the week, you TELL him. this is what is going to happen, you deserve it, and he has to see exactly what you got hrough everyday

i really hope it all works out for you, divorce may not be the answer, but yo have to be hard on your husband, because what he is doing is WRONG

Answer 7

You have to at least accept some responsibility for this situation.  Hubby previously attempted to discipline and you intervened (by the way ‘amazingly intelligent’ is very wrong—pulling a child’s ear, while it may not be the best discipline method, is NOT abuse).  Now, as a result of that Hubby refuses to discipline (since apparently you think he’s incapable of doing it correctly) and you’re complaining.  Make up your mind what you want—do you want him to discipline or not?  If you do, then he has to be free to do that.  You both need to agree on what’s acceptable in the form of discipline (this is something you should have talked about before having kids) and then you both need to be involved in disciplining, and not intervene unless it severely crosses the line.  Go see a martial counselor.

Answer 8

You should never, ever be afraid of your children.  Your children should "fear you" in a healthy way of course.  Before considering divorce, the both of you should engage in marriage counseling.  

Also think about going on a "personal retreat" to seriously think things over.  Finally, I hate divorce.  It's the last option.  Your husband is the "real" problem because he's not doing his job as the man of the house.  Either he helps you raise the kids like a "real man" or you let him raise the kids himself.        

Answer 9

I don't think you are failing as a mother, I think your husband is failing as a father.  It sure is an easy out to not be responsible for the kids and blame his irresponsibility on you.  

Will he go to parenting classes with you?  If you approach it as I would like us to learn to parent as a team, rather than you are a bad parent and need help haha it might work.

I know what you mean it is very stressful.  When my boys were young and I would send them to their room they would call to their dad and beg HIM to let them come out which he would.  He often overturned my attempts at consequences. When their dad moved out (for various reasons) it was incredible how much more peaceful our house was!  I did not find a successful solution because I couldn't control his actions.  When I was remarried my son was diagnosed with a bunch of stuff and they offered specialized parenting classes for these diagnosis'.  My new husband attended them with me and it helped us be on the same page.  My heart goes out to you.  I wish you serenity.

Answer 10

Unless you institute discipline, you couldn't even imagine what you will face when these boys are teenagers. Talk to your husband and explain that while "boys will be boys" may be okay now unless you have discipline they will be totally out of hand. You could be dealing with drugs, s*x, vandalism, guns, gangs and they will refuse to go to school. I'm sure you are worn out. Enough is enough. See if you can get through to him. If not, I would go talk  to a divorce lawyer. Then he can have full custody and deal with the boys on a full time basis. They can visit you on weekends.

Answer 11

Sounds like you need to call Supernanny or Nanny 911.

http://www.jofrost.com/index.php

http://television.aol.com/show/nanny-911...

And you need to tell the hubby that the marriage is in trouble.  If he won't go for counseling with you, then go by yourself.

Good luck.

Answer 12

Sounds like u need to spank your husband too. i would be ready to pull my hair out. their father should be taking part in raising the boys too. there is no excuse for him not to be doing it. i think i would get a hobby that would require me to be gone when their father is home. that way he would be forced to get involved.

Answer 13

Tomorrow leave him at home with the kids all day. Come up with a full day of errands you must do alone and hit the road. By the end of the day he will be frustrated enough to listen to you and then you can come up with a parenting plan that works for both of you.

Answer 14

So you think that walking out on your marriage is going to resolve the situation?

How about the two of you going to parenting classes?

Learn how other parents cope, especially when the kids are going into their teen years.

Or, you could always take your husband to a doctor and see if they could surgically repair your husbands nuts so they will descend.