My husband shows all people respect except me???

Question

We have been married for 8 years and have 2 great kids he started this about 2 years ago. He belittles me says I dont clean the house right that I am worthless tells me he hates me and calls me all sorts of names. He never has anything nice or decent to say to me. We dont even have s*x like we used too. Whenever I try to talk to him about it he gets mad at me. He always comes back an hour later and says that he is sorry but turns around 2 min later and does it again. To simple things like the tupperware cabinet being out of sorts. He said he would get us into counceling and that was 5 months ago and whenever I mention it he gets mad and says we dont need it it wont help. But whats worse is he respects everyone except me he is so nice to other women even ones that we realy dont know all that well and when I bring that up he says yea but they are not my wife. my parents have been married 25 years and my daddy never did that to my mama. I could be wrong but I thought that he was supposed to have more respect for me than other women what gives? someone please help me understand I love him too death and treat him like a king but I refuse to be his stepping stone anymore. I am very frustrated and hurt.

Answer 1

Demand respect.  Don't give it unless you get it.  People will only treat you as good as you expect to be treated.

Answer 2

Leave him or continue to be treated shabbily.....if he truly loves you and the kids - he will get help. (if not - you have not lost anything)  You are right - you should be treated with more respect then any other.

Answer 3

If he wont get the counseling try to get it yourself. Maybe if you set up the appointment he will go. You shouldn’t have to be treated this way. The way it sounds, this behavior is taking place in front of those two great kids. What is this teaching them? They will either end up resenting him, because they love you so much. Or it will teach them that is how woman are suppose to be treated. If not for yourself than for you children’s sake, find help. You should be treated the way you treat him. Being married is no easy task. Trust me I am a military wife! But it’s not healthy for anyone in your home, this behavior has to stop. Sometimes just talking about it can help, I can listen if you need to vent. Good luck!

Answer 4

You are going to have to stand up for yourself.  He obviously takes you for granted.  Comments like those he is making show he doesn't appreciate everything you do, and you need to remind him.  

There is obviously a problem, and he needs to open up.  He may think other women are more interesting and that he knows everything you have to offer already. If you don't turn him on the way things are then change things up. Don't sweat it.  Things can get formulaic when you are married.  Just add a little variety, a full body massage, A little more oral s*x, a submissive or dominant role playing session, there are plenty of things you can do.

BUT, he is going to have to open up some.  I am sure he has a desire for something else, or he is angry at you about something.  You need to discover the root of his attitude.

You also may need to observe his habits a bit.  If he appears to have the capacity for s*x, no Erectile Dysfunction, then not wanting s*x can have a number causes, from hormone imbalances, to having an affair, you may need to see what else is going on.

Answer 5

Let's see....where to begin.

First of all I am so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time.  I can only imagine how frustrated, angry, confused and scared you must feel.  

When you have children, life decision are very difficult to make.

It sounds to me as if your husband has lost respect for you.  You say that it began two years ago. What changed back then to cause him to suddenly feel as if his life at home (cleanliness, wife...) are not the same as they were prior to his sudden change?

Have you kept you home clean, kept yourself well kempt and looking attractive?  As a mom, I know how easy it is to just let so much of the things go because we are overwhelmed with taking care of others.

We must be sure to keep ourselves 'attractive'.  I'm not saying that he is acting that way because you haven't.  I am merely asking if perhaps that has changed.

Your problem is a very common one among families, sad to say.

Is it at all possible that he might be having an affair?  His behavior is also similar to so many of the wives I have met (I Organize a Moms group with 250+ members).  

It is almost (based on the limited amount of information you posted) as if your husband is trying to push you away and end the marriage.

Of course he feels guilty after he is so nasty.  That is typical behavior for abusers...even verbal ones.

I don't know the advice to give you without all of the information.  But, I can tell you that people will ONLY respect YOU if YOU respect yourself.

So, look within and ask yourself, what can I do to make myself FEEL better about ME.

Then, do it.

Exercise, put makeup on, fix your hair, get your nails done...join a moms group...anything to get back your self esteem.

YOU are not just a mother, wife and daughter.  You are a woman who deserves respect from her husband.  So, find a way to get it.

If he is having an affair you must find a way to get him to stop and come back to the woman whom he fell in love with.  

I heard that Dr. Laura's The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands is a great book for wives.  Have you read it?

Please let us know how you are doing (if that is possible here).

Find a local Moms group if you can!  If you need help, let me know.

Answer 6

I agree with the mom group responder, look back at what was going on when this started.  It might be when he started an affair, it might not.  He might just have seen one of his friends with his own wife and saw a life he wanted.  He might be dealing with his own feelings of "not good enough".  Did he lose a job or have a dramatic change in his workplace around that time?  Did he lose (or gain) a family member around that time?  Did you have a major change in your life?  He could be reacting to something in you.  I'm certainly not blaming you, but if you changed in some way he would react differently.  <I ran into someone who looked exactly like my ex when my husband and I went out to dinner one night.  For weeks after, he said my whole demeanor changed.  He finally brought it up to me and mentioned that it started around the time of the dinner and it clicked.  My ex was extremely abusive and just seeing a look-a-like triggered these feelings and responses that were just so natural at one time I hadn't even noticed myself doing them.  It wasn't my fault necessarily, but it was something I could fix.>  It's also possible that something happened with him that you didn't know about.  Maybe he was having an affair prior to that and that's when it ended.  Maybe he found out some devastating news about someone he didn't tell you about.  Maybe a friend moved away.  Or an old high school buddy suddenly returned to the scene and your husband suddenly laments his youthful bachelor days.  He also just might be feeling horrible about himself and is taking it out on you, because "you must be stupid for loving someone so worthless".  So many possibilities, but if you are committed to the marriage it's worth exploring and there are certainly things you can do to figure out the problem.  Feminists may not like my solution but it is a tactic used in business all the time.  Take all the blame and stay calm, don't let him rattle you.  If he gets on to you for something, calmly and quietly apologize and ask how you could do better next time.  it's hard to be angry and yell at someone who remains calm and sweet as honey. Smile and take all the disrespect he can dish out, in public and in private, and just place comments like "you are such a wonderful, distinguished man. if you feel that way about me I'm sure you could do much better."  only two things come of this - he is more aware of what he's saying (because if you react his only focus is the reaction, not his cause) or he'll leave you "for someone better".  just be very careful to remember that what you say are only things to keep the peace, they are not necessarily true.  don't disrespect yourself to get his approval, but gently pointing out that if you are as horrible as he says why doesn't he go elsewhere is not the same thing.  always remember, 80/20.  you (he) may only ever get 80% of what you (he) need from your (his) spouse, and when someone comes along offering the other 20% it can be very enticing.  but the other person is still just 20% and when you (he) leave the 80 to go for the 20, you lose.  simple math.  

ps - your world will not crumble without him, there is no one better than you, keep your confidence, and know that if he decides to follow another path, God has someone so much better waiting for you on down your own path.

Answer 7

Why can't you be proactive and call the counseling yourself to make an appointment? He does not have to be the one to get you into counseling. If it's important to you, you should do it.