My husband very unpredictable,rude and dominating , I am earning more and taking care of our kids alone.

Question

I AM VERY MUCH UPSET.HE INSULTS ME EVERY TIME.HE DEPENDS ON ME IN EVERY RESPECT BUT DO NOT AGREE.HE WAS A BAD ALCOHOLIC FOR 10 YEARS AND NOW WHEN HE IS RECOVERING WITH MY EFFORTS,HE BLAMES ME FOR EVERYTHING WHICH IS BAD.I TOOK HIM TO A REHABLITATION CENTER AND AA.I WAS SUFFERING.WHEN HE WAS AN ALCOHOLIC AND STILL SUFFERING HE IS NOT.WHAT TO DO?

Answer 1

You either leave this man or go to someone who can protect you. You can't be around this person anymore. Have some dignity and respect for yourself and show him you are not going to take this anymore. He does not deserve you.

Answer 2

Go stay with a relative for a while. If he is a nightmare to live with, then try to think away from the situation. My mom was an alcoholic, so was my brother in law. They both died by the cause. Some are happy drunks and some turn into Mr. Hyde. You married this guy, so there might be a way to salvage the relationship...I suggest that when you go for a little bit...take some time and write him a letter...Tell him everything in that letter. Then send it to him and see how he responds. You need to break his circle of domination. He can't dominate you if you are not there. I would not let him know where you are. Consider ignoring his phone calls in the beginning. Take care

Answer 3

Several points here:

1) If he is insulting you, using profanity, putting you down, yelling at you, etc...that is verbal abuse and is very damaging to one's self-esteem and confidence. Verbal abuse can leave more permanent and deep scars than physical abuse and this NEEDS TO STOP. Either he needs to stop it, or you need to stop it by leaving.

2) He's riding your coat tails. If you are the one taking on all the responsibility, what is he contributing to the relationship? He's not, but is benefiting from your hard work...then putting you down despite your efforts.

3) A recovering alcoholic is a difficult person to be with. They are going through their own "demons" and end up behaving in very selfish ways. Blaming you for everything helps him feel better about himself. He can't handle the fact that this "issue" (whatever it may be at the time) is due to him...the guilt is too much...so it's easier to blame you for it. Also, he knows he is powerless to alcohol. That's tough for most "macho men" to handle. It's easier to point out your faults (or make them up) so that he doesn't look so "weak" In addition, he's probably somewhat jealous that you don't have the same dependency to alcohol. This could cause feelings of being "damaged goods" or "less than". If he makes you imperfect it makes it okay for him to be less than perfect...kind of brings you down to his level. Of course, this is all from his perspective. You truly aren't better than he, nor is he better than you...but I'll bet he feels you are a better person b/c you aren't an alcoholic. The real problem is he's got inner issues that cause low self esteem. HE's the one who doesn't feel he's worthy, but is projecting that onto you...it's easier to believe that YOU are the problem than know he is. He doesn't have alcohol to numb that horrible feeling anymore so it's more prevalent and easier to take out on you. The domination part probably comes from needing something or someone to control. He can't control aspects of himself...like drinking..so he controls you. Alcoholics go through a whole slew of emotions when they stop drinking because they are changing how they deal with themselves, their pain and their issues and it changes who they are.

4) You need to get help for yourself. These issues are his and he is the only one who can fix them. You need to protect your kids and yourself. I promise you, kids are very "tuned in" to their parents and are super sensitive to your and his emotions. Kids have an inate ability to blame themselves for anything that goes wrong, causing them issues of their own when they get older. I promise you, they are negatively effected by this situation regardless of their age, or what you think they see. I would suggest taking them and you to a therapist..at the very least, seek out an Alanon group in your area. They are for the spouses and family of alcoholics and will help you understand better how to handle dealing with an alcoholic. He very well may come around, then again, quite a few alcoholics don't. Don't waste your life waiting for something that may not happen. Take care of your and your children's needs and let him take care of his.

Answer 4

best option is to leave him and take ur kids along with you.

Answer 5

What a jerk he is being.  You can't allow him to treat you that way.  I love how people always blame someone else when they don't want to accept responsibility for their actions.  He should be an involved father.  It doesn't seem like he is carrying any weight in your relationship.  You need to be firm with him because you deserve so much better.  Tell him that if he doesn't start treating you with respect and pulling his own weight that you want a divorce.  He also has to help out with the kids.  Good luck.

Answer 6

i won't tell you to leave because even though this is an anwsering place this probable goes in way deeper but get him help fast or leave before it becomes more serious

-hoped that helped out

Answer 7

sober does not mean well! it took years to make the mess, it will take time to make it better. if you are not willing to give it time-then you may as well pack your bags.

i urge you to look into couples counseling-it didn't keep me and my 1st wife together-but at least we parted as friends.

Answer 8

He is suffering from inferritycomplex.U need to be more wise and responsibleforhim, ashe is recovering.IfU want tokeepyr family intect.Try to find some job for him sothathe remains no more idleand he will earn self respect too.

Answer 9

I will surely pray for you mam.Hope the situation changes after that.But keep faith in God,He alone can do miracles.Take Care of yourself mam.Have a blessed day:)

Answer 10

If you took him to AA; then it did not work.  HE must be the one who wants recovery.  It just does not work when we do it for someone else or something else.

He cannot recover "with your efforts".  Sounds like you forced him to go and that does not work. period.

Answer 11

So do you think its working? I dont think it is, and you shoudl move on , if your children are older and much more wiser, get a divorce, its only right.. Once youve tried everything in your mind to just get him to be the man he was one before, before the ship wreck , and it wont wrk, he never really cared.. careing for the kids is a big part of life and when he cant do that i dont knwo if you should keep him in your house, hes just an expensive ppiece of junk..no efence. Instead of giving you money hes just spendin it.. and its not wrth it for innocent ppl like you..go on welfare, use your childrens paychecks, and seperate for a bit if you dont want to divorce, make him notcie how much he needs you, and if it wrnt for you he wouldnt  be where he is now.Another thing is , if your doing it all alone, then y not just be all alone..with your kids, its only better..for them and u