My husband wants to adopt my daughter. How do it know if its the right choice?

Question

Here's the thing....my baby's daddy disappeared almost 2 yrs ago. I met a great guy 1-1/2 yrs ago fell in love and married him. He wants to adopt my 3 yr old daughter. Sometimes he's a great daddy but other times i wonder if he even knows she's here? He likes to entertain at home almost every weekend when he is in. He works offshore. He fishes, dives, and hunts. I am beginning to realize he is kind of selfish. He is also a drinker. (mostly on weekends when friends are over) What i guess i am asking is how do i know if it is the right choice. What questions should i ask him to make sure he knows exactly what he is getting into and if he is ready for it. He wants a child of his own but i am not sure i want to do that. I am scared i will be stuck raising 2 kids by myself. Help!!!!! Any advice will be appreciated. Or questions i should ask him.

Answer 1

Dont Do It Unless You Know And Feel Completly Comfortable With The Situation..This Is Not Something That You Can Afford To Make A Mistake On...Is Your Daughter Comfortable With Him??

Answer 2

I think if you are questioning the decision, then you need to wait. Tell him you want her to make the decision on her own when she is older. You are right. Its too new and he does sound selfish. The entertaining, the drinking, need to slow way down. Good luck. Baby first. Hubby second.

Answer 3

You are one smart cookie.

If he is all that you say he is then wait. Dont have a child with him unless he changes.

Answer 4

#1. If he is a drinker, and selfish...and sometimes you wonder if he knows she is even there, then DONT!

#2. Dont have another child , especially with someone who YOU yourself question if he knows she is there.

#3. Tell him that he needs to show that this is what he wants....and MEAN it. If he cant spend time with her, treat her as his own, and spend time as a family, why would you want him AS your family!

Good luck to you, really I mean that, what a terrible situation to face. Think Of your daughter first, and how this might affect her!!

Answer 5

If he is good enough for you he should be good enough for your daughter.... Maybe a thought you should think about because you both deserve the best!

Answer 6

If you feel that this man is the right one, allow him to adopt your child and let her have a father. Of course this is all up to you but I would wait about a month and see the connection between your daughter and this man. Good luck!

Answer 7

This decision is a huge one for you! I think you should focus on how well you really know him. Keep a little diary on him, record his behavior when he is with her and away from her. The drinking is only an issue if after alcohol he gets violent and could pose a threat to you and your baby. Talking is always a great help, Talk to him about all of your hopes and fears on the situation, also friends and family, ask what they feel they would do if placed into your shoes. Some men change alot after children you could see a whole new side to your husband! I really hope that i may have helped and i wish you, your Husband and your little girl the very best for the future

Answer 8

If you have doubts no its not a good idea.

Answer 9

IF YOU ARE IN DOUBT DON'T!!!!   Best advice I have ever heard, "follow your heart"By the sound of it you have your doubts of him as a husband, so why would you put your daughter in that situation. If your gut tells you that you will probably be stuck raising two kids by yourself, then listen to yourself.

Here is a question for you, Why do you feel the need to ask this question? Asking it obviously should be the answer you seek.

I am a single mother of 4. Don't put yourself and your daughter in a situation you are scared of.

Answer 10

Only because of what I've been through will I say this to you: I wouldn't do it. I just wouldn't go through with an adoption. Go back and reread your post. It sounds as if you are really unsure. Is your daughter's last name worth this much worry?

Answer 11

It sounds like he's trying ,no guy will be perfect. Ask your daughter how she feels about him. talk as a family about it. Every guy likes to have fun, so if he works during the week maybe he just wants to have some guy time.  It sounds he realy loves you guys.  I would realy think about it and talk as a family about it.

Answer 12

Make sure you keep a copy of the child's original birth certificate for him/her.  he/she deserves to have that and once and adoption is finalized, the birth certificate is changed and the original sealed away and nobody can access it again

If you don't feel sure, follow your instincts

Answer 13

I think you already know the answer to your question......don't ever question a mothers instinct....go with your gut!

Answer 14

Be very cautious ok? DO NOT let him adopt your daughter.... not now anyway.....she is 3, and he has only known her and you 1 1/2 yrs? Doesnt that sound weird that a grown man, with NO kids, would generously want to adopt a 3 yr old baby girl that isnt his? Making him obligated for life? But you have to remember that also gives HIM rights to her if something happens between you two! He sounds like his personal party life and extra curricular ARE the important parts of his life, NOT a family man..... wait a long time before you have kids with him, and if you ever see where he deserves to adopt your daughter? Make it in a LONG time!!! Beware grown men who arent family men, wanting to ADOPT 3 yr old babies when he doesnt even ACT like the doting daddy??? Please pay attention to this!!

Answer 15

Girl let your husband adopt your daughter. What do you have to loose. He loves the both of you guys. Her bio father obviously doesn't care about netheir 1 of u guys, and sounds like your husband has great benefits if something were 2 happen most likely she will b taken care of. most of all the luv is there and y'all care 4 1 another. Why not give your daughter a father she can call her own. make the right decision, and have that man a baby!!!!!!!

Answer 16

if you are uncertain then don't do it. Wait awhile.   But,when a child gets legally adopted, their bio fathers rights are terminated and they are NOT entitled to inheritance from him. Its like he doesn't exist.  Unless the will is specified "for his daughter who was adopted by someone else"

Answer 17

The problem is that you won't know, absolutely, if it is the right choice until you make a decision.  Your decision should be based on how he has been with her over these past 1 1/2 years and how he treats her.  It should also be based on how he treats you!  You are beginning to realize that he's kind of selfish but don't state your reasons for thinking that way.  He's a drinker but to what extent?  If he works off-shore then you probably don't see each other until the week-end!  I'm certain he has to fit a lot in when he is home in order to feel as though he's spent some quality time with you and your daughter plus have some interaction with friends.   It's really difficult to say if he's a really great daddy since you don't know how he would be if he were home more.

I think the best way to handle it is to sit down and have a long talk with him...and not just about your daughter! Tell him you're a bit fearful about having more kids and not certain if he should adopt yours yet.  He did marry you knowing you had a child and that's a very positive character trait.   Ask him why he wants children since he's never at home to spend time with them.  Is he planning on changing jobs or would he if necessary?  If his drinking disturbs you ask him about it!   Before you sit down for your long talk, I think it's time for you to take an inventory of your life with him!  If you don't know whether or not having his child is the right thing to do...then why are you married to him?  What would happen to your relationship if you refused to have more children?  If you won't have his child then I wouldn't imagine it would be a good idea to allow him to adopt yours!  I truly don't think anyone can tell you what to do under the circumstances but I do believe the answers are inside of you.  Good luck!

Answer 18

you married him. If you are apprehensive I would say you should wait to make these choices....marriage is a long term idea you are not supposed to just give up on a whim be sure you know what you are doing

Answer 19

No offense...but why did you marry this man when you weren't sure what kind of Daddy he would be?  Seems to me that you guys are a package deal.  He gets you and the kid.  If he doesn't take the kid he doesn't get you...right?  If you love this man and he loves you...then he has to love your kids too because they are a part of you...meaning he doesn't trully love you if he doesn't love them.  You shouldn't have married him if you weren't willing to let him adopt your children.

Answer 20

First ask yourself this question....

If something should happen to me, I would want _____ to raise my daughter.  If that blank is not filled with your husband's name then I think you have the answer to your question.

It is perfectly fair for you to ask him why he wishes to adopt her.  If he seems taken aback by the question, point out that while time has passed the disappearance your daughter's father really was not all that long ago.

One thing, you sound so very unsure of this man - I think you have bigger issues than the adoption one.  Perhaps it is time for the two of you to sit down and have a heart to heart talk about where your relationship is headed.

Answer 21

Pros:

You all can have the same last name

If he leaves you can get child support

You can get a tax credit the year you do the adoption

You never have to worry about the bio. father showing back up

Cons:

You can't get child support from the biological father

Your daughter won't inherit anything from the biological father

Result:  Get a free consultation with a family lawyer (go by yourself) and talk it out.

PS - Although the biological father has nothing to leave her right now, he might have something one day, or he might hit the lottery - you never know!

Answer 22

This is a big step for your entire family. And unless you are completly sure you are making the right choice, and don't have any second thoughts or questions about it, I don't think you should let him, not yet at least.

Wait until you are 100% sure and don't have "hes's a great daddy but..."

When it's time, your mother instinct will come into play and you will know that now is the time.

If you are worried that you will someday be rasing two children by yourself, maybe theres an issue of trust. You need to trust that hes going to be there (if not you shouldnt really be married), and trust that he wont leave you and know that he is a great father (if he is at least).

Answer 23

My opinion - if you're questioning so many parts of the implications of this decision - don't do it.

Or - at the very least - wait.

Men can come and go in your life.

Your daughter will always be your daughter.

You need to look after her best interests here.

Good luck!

Answer 24

You would let a man adopt your daughter when you are afraid to have his child for fear of raising it (and your daughter) by yourself?  Lady, where has your good sense flown?  Even if this guy was a saint, walking, his wish to adopt your daughter would be harder than he could imagine.  He can not adopt her without your ex relinquishing his parental rights and agreeing to allow adoption.  If you can't locate him, I would assume (although I don't know this) that you would have to, through an attorney and the courts, have him declared dead after seven years and then, maybe, your present husband could adopt her.  By then, you two may be history.  My opinion if allowing him to adopt her is the right choice?  Mistake.  Big mistake. Big.  Huge.

Answer 25

When in doubt - do nothing. Its gonna be difficult though if he keeps asking to adopt her and you say no. Tell him you dont think he is ready.

Answer 26

The doubts you expressed give the answer clearly. This guy is not mature enough to be a father to an existing child, much less create one of his own. It doesn't sound like he's taken a real interest in your 3-year old nor is he mature enough to be a father to his biological child.

Answer 27

it sounds to me as if your not sure the marriage will even last but your thinking of letting him adopt your daughter???? i would say maybe to ait a few more years. my sister was married for four years before her husband adopted my nephew.

Answer 28

Well first of all you need to address the fact that, it sounds like you are not very comfortable with the idea. If he is not around much, but he is a good dad most of the time when he is there. I am not sure that is a good enough case to let him adopt her. Well if he has not had much experience with children that could be the reason he treats her differently sometimes. When I became a step mother I was completely lost. You need to confront him on the things that you are concerned with. Mainly his drinking and the change in attitude towards your daughter. Just be nice about it and also ask him if he is sure that is what he wants to do. Good luck!

Answer 29

father's like mothers are not perfect if you found a wonderful guy that wants to adopt your child let him.

oh no he drink oh no he isn't the best father, but you married him leave him or let  him adopt

Answer 30

i dont think you should let him adopt her for the soul fact if any thing happened he could take her from you if you all split up and if he drinks, i wouldnt have my daughter in that invironment. he could be a good dad but let him show you that he loves her and he is ready for that kind of responsibility. let him know what kind of responsibility it is. it is not a weekend thing it is a EVERY DAY thing. it is not saying he has to be there every day but he needs to know what is best for his family. goodluck i hope this helps

Answer 31

I think the other question is, is your daughters father going to legally give up his right? That's the only way your husband can legally adopt her. I'd suggest going to couples counseling to see if anything arises.