My husband was put up for adoption 22 years ago and would like to begin the search for his birth family?

Question

My husband recently confided in me that he has a strong desire to meet his birth family but he has no idea how to go about this. He was put up for adoption 22 years ago in IL and really knows nothing about the process. while his adoptive parents and he are very close, whenever he brings up the subject, they tend to clam up. After having two children of our own, he really would like to know something of his family history and such. Any tips on where to begin and how to smooth things over with his adoptive parents. He really doesn't want to hurt them!

Answer 1

you can find hospital records

Answer 2

The reason they may "clam up" could be that his parents know some rotten story about his birth family, and maybe they're worried about how discovering any "dirty details" may affect your husband.  He's still a very young guy.  Maybe, too, since he's so young to have two children, his parents may be hoping he kind of holds off before getting "another big thing going" in his life.  Maybe they think he needs to concentrate on his children right now (if they're little, and I'm assuming they must be).

Other than something like that, most adoptive parents know - from the day they get their child - that he will likely search (or be found) at some time later.  Most parents are adults and understand that this is part of the deal with an adopted children, so don't underestimate them.

When parents love their child, though, they will always be kind of reticent about sharing some ugly facts about his beginning, which they may worry could "throw him off".  (My son did meet his biological mother, and it did "throw him off" for quite a while.  It was a lot for him to digest.)

Answer 3

Laurie DB gave you the two best starting points.  

I would also recommend connecting with these folks.  They have lots of information on searching, support groups, etc. :

http://www.pacer-adoption.org/

If searching on your own begins to get frustrating after a few years, you might consider putting up the money for a searcher.  (You can get recommendations through adoption forums.)  

I'm a birth mother.  My son looked for me on his own for seven years.  He hired a searcher and she found me in three months.  

Answer 4

Many adoptive parents 'clam up' about talking about an adoptee's past.

Sadly - they make it all about them - and not about the adoptee.

An adoptee has no choice about what paths their lives travel on - and they should be allowed to know their full and complete story.

Genealogy is THE most popular past-time of human beings.

We all have an innate need to know where we came from.

It's great that you are supporting him on this journey. It could be a rollercoaster - but most say it's worth it all in the end.

Finding your truth is a powerful thing.

If he needs ANY support along the way - a great on-line forum is here -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

I waited 35 years to search - I wish I had done it sooner.

I wish you both all the very best.

p.s. oh - and do follow Laurie's advice - it's good!!

Answer 5

hospital records or thos websites that look for people family trees and stuff. haha always wanted to do that find out my past lol well anyways good luck =]

Answer 6

Im an adoptee from IL as well. I've been reunited with my birth mother.

The best thing he can do is

A.Call the adoption agency and get his non-identifying info. It the law for them to give it to him. It may take awhile, but continue to bug them until they give it to you. My non id actually had enough info for me to find my family. Even something small like where the mother went to school. If you know her age, school, and last name you can look through year books and stuff like that.

B. Contact ISRR and give them all his info. If birthfamily also registers and you are matched they will let you know.

Good luck. It is possible!!! And dont get discouraged, because you will run into a lot of dead ends before you actually find his birth family. Dont give up....thats the main thing. And think possitive.

Answer 7

He's an adult, if the parents are uncomfortable with his search that is their issue to deal with, not his.

It's very likely that his mother was young and was pressured/coerced into the adoption.  Many people like to think of the young mother as immoral, drug addicted, etc. because it helps them believe she really didn't care about her baby.  This is RARELY the case.  Most of these young mothers loved their baby with every ounce of their heart and soul and spend their lives waiting for their baby to come back home.  

Be supportive and courageous...this could be the beginning of a wonderful journey for everyone involved.  

Answer 8

There are lots of adoption support groups online that can help you. Never Give Up!

http://reunion.adoption.com

Great Articles

http://www.adoption-help.org

Support Groups:

http://groups.msn.com/TheForgottenPeople

Yahoo! Groups

http://groups.yahoo.com

SearchingRegistry

familytiesadoptionsearch

adoptee-support

soaringangels

usaadoptiondatabase

touchedbyadoption

Google Groups

alt.birthright

alt.support.adoption

alt.support.adoption

Top Rated Books:

Adoption Healing ...a path to recovery

by Joseph M. Soll

The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide: Preparing Yourself for the Search, Reunion, and Beyond

Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self

by David M. Brodzinsky

Birthright: The Guide to Search and Reunion for Adoptees, Birthparents, and Adoptive...

by Jean A. S. Strauss

Whose Child? : An Adoptee's Healing Journey from Relinquishment through Reunion ... and Beyond

by Kasey Hamner

Adoption: Uncharted Waters: A Psychologist's Case Studies. . . Clinical and Forensic Issues, With Practical Advice for Adoptees, Parents and Therapists by David Kirschner

Birthbond: Reunions Between Birthparents and Adoptees - What Happens After...

by Judith S. Gedimen

Adoption Healing... A Path to Recovery for Mothers Who Lost Children to Adoption by Joseph M. Soll and Karen Wilson Buterbaugh

Adoption Forum: Intimate Discussions to Unite the Triad in Healing by Kasey Hamner

www.ussearch.com (the first part is free)..and this can tell you where they might live..(city and state)

www.pipl.com

www.zabasearch.com

white pages to find listed people

www.theultimates.com

Answer 9

In all sincerity, I would suggest that he should first change the terminology when talking to his Parents.

Who really IS his family?   If maybe he used the word blood relatives, they would feel less hurt.  It is not a matter of not wanting him to get in touch with them, it is probably that THEY look to themselves as being his family, because of 20 years of love and caring.  I am sure that if he looks at it the other way around, they will feel better about the whole thing.

Sadly, some adopted children (adults) find the background of the women who gave birth, is not what they would feel good about.  I know of one such happening.  The man was devastated when he found out all the details and has never got over it.  There is, of course, a certain risk factor in the search.

I am interested to know why two answers got such a low rating, when they suggested looking up hospital records?  Is this a nono or something, or is one person against that action, for whatever reason.  I am not judging I would really like to know the answer.

Answer 10

Hi, I just wanted to say that I was adopted 22 years ago, and found my biological mother at 19.  You don't have to feel overwhelmed when you read posts from different people telling you to each do a million different things to find his birth parents.  I only had to search through 4 or 5 different websites whenever I came across information on my birth mother.  

If your husband has any information at all on his birth parents names, or whereabouts than that's a great start.  If not, you can call the hospital that he was born at and ask them the best way to get that information.

All I had was my birth mother's married name and middle name - and I found her.  I went on www.intelius.com and paid $50 to get a background check on my birthmother.  I then narrowed the search down to the age I was pretty sure she was and saw the most recently connected phone line (matching with the address of where she lived).  

After that I got a hold of her ex sister in law (who's number that was) and she got a hold of her brother ( who was my birth mother's ex husband), and he got a hold of her.

2 days later - she called me and we talked on the phone for 2 1/2 half hours...it was amazing!

Best of luck....!

Answer 11

There are two things he will want to do right off the bat.  The first is to sign up with the International Soundex Reunion Registry at http://isrr.net.  It's the largest reunion registry in the world.

Next, he will want to obtain non-identifying information.  The are often good clues in the non-id.  He can do this by writing to the agency that handled the adoption or the Department of Social Services.

Illinois also has a confidential intermediary system, if he wants to go that route.  Here is the contact address and phone if he wants more information on it.  It's expensive, and CI's are known to poorly handle reunions, so they don't come highly recommended.  

Confidential Intermediary Service

3158 Des Plaines River Road

Suite 120

Des Plaines, IL 60018

[phone]; [phone]

[phone] (fax)

Illinois also has a registry, although I'd go with IRSS for certain.  Here's some information about using the Adoption Registry: Natural parents, adopted adults 21 or older, adopted adults younger than 21 with the consent of their adoptive parents, and natural siblings 21 or older may use the registry. Adoptive parents, adopted adults, first parents, and natural siblings may exchange updated medical information throughout the life of the adopted adult. The registry also may act as an intermediary if either party does not want to be contacted. All parties also may exchange pictures and written statements through the registry.

Contact:

Illinois Adoption Registry and Medical Information Exchange (IARMIE)

Department of Public Health

Division of Vital Records

535 West Jefferson Street

Springfield, IL 62761

[phone] or toll-free in Illinois [phone]

Supervisor Faye Bruns

http://www.idph.state.il.us/vital/iladop...