My husbands friend made some comments that have me confused.?

Question

I have known my husbands friend since before my husband and I have gotten together. He has always been very shy, but nice. I always catch him starring at me also.

We went over to his house a few days ago and he and my husband ended up drinking a little too much. When we went to leave he gave me a big hug and told me that I was always welcome at his house (again he is very shy and has never done this, EVER).

Well we met up with him again a day ago at the local fair and we ALL had a little too much to drink. He and I were talking about what he is looking for in a girlfriend, and everything came back to a comparison to me. He kept mentioning aspects about me that he wanted.

I have been having problems with my husband for the last few months. He never thinks about me, my needs are always last on his list. I do everything for him; cook, clean, laundry, bills, everything! He is never thankful or appreciative. He always makes comments about how "thats my job", later when I tell him it upset me he says he's kidding and then gets angry because I got upset.

This friend is so sweet and I have always found him to be a good looking man. When we were out he would always catch my eyes and butterflies would be in my stomach.

I have been married for 7 years and have have been trying to get my husband to understand but he hasn't yet. I don't believe in divorce but don't feel that its best for our 3 kids to see thier mother degraded. They have also begun treating me like a servant.

What should I do? I keep thinking about this guy and how much my life could change for the better. He also made a comment to me about how my husband isn't always the best person to me and that he feels sorry for me.

What do I do?

Answer 1

Sounds like trouble to me.

Answer 2

First of all.. slow down...

Yes you do know this guy but at the same time you really don't know him at all because you are not with him 24/7. Some people look great on the outside and what they make people think of them and they make people think that they are just wonderful until you are actually with them. So you will never really know how things will turn out until you are with this man.

He might really want you, that I am not denying I am sure you are a wonderful, beautiful woman and I know that your husband sees this as well. But the thing is, he might only want you for selfish reasons and also it is very rude of a person to want the wife of a friend and this will absolutely destroy your husband and your family. If you decide to be with this man, how are you going to tell your kids? and what will they think?

I think your marriage has issues that every marriage has, men are like that, some men, most men but it does not mean your husband doesn't appreciate you or doesn't love you. You can sit down and talk to him about this and talk to him nicely instead of ordering him around or yelling at him about how he does nothing and you just do everything, talking or writing a letter will help a lot! Ask him for help instead of demanding for help. Same thing can work with your kids as well so they can be more helpful around the house, you can sit them down and talk about how busy mommy is and that she would appreciate their help and have them do things with you instead of for you.

Just be careful and really think about this before making a decision, you have ur marriage at sake and the lives of ur children and how all this will affect them in the future. There will always be temptations in life, there will always be people who you believe would be better for you but you will not know that until you are actually with this person, at first things can be wonderful but then you will find out things about them that you don't like or they will go past the honeymoon stage and start acting like who they really are because now they have you... that is a risk to take and find out, and you need to decide if it is worth ruining ur family over for.  

Answer 3

first of all if you are a slave to your husband and children, that's your fault. I know this because I spoil those that I love too. So no need to feel resentment there, you did it to yourself. What I do when my husband has been insensitive is to mirror his actions. When I treat him like he treats me, he gets it. Next, it's about 7-10 years that one or the other of the spouses starts to feel that the grass may be greener on the other side. Perhaps you and your husband need to talk about the issues that are bothering you. If you can get him to go to counseling that may help. But don't go to a counselor that bashes men that's never a help.

Answer 4

Quit seeing this "friend" before you get yourself into trouble. If you and your husband are having problems you need to focus your efforts on solving them not on someone else. And since when is fulfilling your duties as a wife and a mother a form of degradation? I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry and accounting in our household, those are my jobs and my contribution to the household. If your children acting disrespectfully because you are doing what you should do, then it is up to you to correct them and their attitudes.  

Answer 5

The best thing for u to do , is to stay the h**l away from this friend of your husband's and try to work on the issues in ur marriage.It will be wrong for u to allow this man to get in btwn your marital woes, so stay away from him!

Answer 6

If you make the decision to leave your husband, do not, and I repeat do not get involved with his friend.  It will not last.  The grass is no greener on his side believe me. It is a way out for you because you are unhappy.  You don't have to be a door mat, but be wise when it comes to relationships.  Look at this way.  Why would your husbands friend be looking at you?  In the end he will choose the friendship over anything you think you have with him.  When he gets mad, he will throw it in your face. Not all men but snakes like that only end up hurting you.  I speak from experience. If your husband refuses counseling then your best bet is to make a decision for you and your children.  Don't jump out the skillet and into the fire.

Answer 7

You're wanting someone to say, "your husband's a jerk and it'll be perfectly alright to cheat"...but we can't say that. We don't get to judge you, but we certainly can't tell you it's alright, either. You should view your own motivations with a great deal of skepticism as you work this out for yourself. You have described this guy in exhausting detail; even Stevie Wonder can see where your head is right now. Fine, if that's what you choose to do, but don't lie to yourself or delude yourself into associating your choice with all manner of other "reasons"...own your own choices. There are many good reasons to cheat, but no honorable ones. Good luck.

Answer 8

No offense, but it sounds like you are tying to justify an affair.  This is how cheaters start playing their game.  

Answer 9

That's really hard. I would suggest get some counseling with your husband. I mean there must have been a time when you were in love with him right? If you could feel that again for him would you be happy? Do you think its possible for you to love him again if he got his act together? Whatever you do DONT CHEAT. It wont make things better only worse and more complicated. The last alternative is divorce. I ddon't dont believe someone should live the rest of their life unhappy because their spouse became someone else and you dont love them anymore.

Answer 10

You stay married and delete your thoughts of this man.  Things will work out for you and your husband.  Put your energy there, not into the other man!

Answer 11

He is just looking for you to get into bed with him so dont and as far as your husband is concerned you both need to talk this out or get marriage counseling although your best friends husband is giving you the right attention its the wrong attention and it could have big serious consequences in all parties involved so stay away from  him and stay friends with your friend and have a worry free conscience its not worth it

Answer 12

This is actually a pretty easy answer. Your husband does not respect you, ditch him. Find out if this friend of yours is better suited.

Answer 13

So instead of talking to your husband your talking to his best friend.  That's a big mistake.  I think your only making your situation worse then it already is!!

Answer 14

You find a way to get through to your husband.  I am sure that there are plenty of things you haven't tried yet.  Stay away from that "friend" especially if it is causing you to have the feelings you are having.  The best way to resist temptation is to remove it completely.  Someone is going to end up getting killed if you take that further.  Be responsible and respectful, to your husband, your children, your family, this other guy and most importantly to yourself.  If you go through with what you are trying to justify here, then in a few months we will see where you have posted another question: "Help!  I cheated on my husband with one of our friends.  I want him back.  What do I do?"

Answer 15

Whew... you have a big choice.  However I subscribe to the Dr. Laura point of view that divorce when kids are in the picture is not acceptable.  However, neither is your husband's attitude.  I hear Dr. Laura has a self help book .. the care and feeding of husbands.. maybe its worth a try..to read it..

As for your husbands friend.. it could get really ugly if you did anything until a divorce is fully over and final...  

Answer 16

Dear Casey,

The way I see it there are two questions here.

a. Your husband's attitude towards you

b. The friend's 'messages'

When you husband and children treat you like a servant it is only because you serve them and being like a servant to them. That needs to change so the family would appreciate you (easier done than said..).

Now, men can be very unappreciative to women, especially to wives who decided to be stay at home moms, or even when their wives work but do not bring in the same amount as they do.

I do have some recommendations:

One of the best and effective way to have a man look at you differently is to get a job. If you do not have an occupation, talk with hubby about going to collage in the evening. I noticed men respect it when their wives show that they are at least trying to support them and learn an occupation. You will enjoy having an evening out of the house, even if you do not really intend to launch a new career afterwards. Also, not being available that evening every week will open a window for new appreciation from the family, since daddy will have to come home early and cook dinner for them.

I am not sure I understood you correctly, but, were you planning on getting hubby to be jealous by showing him his friend likes you? Personally I would not get involved with a friend of my husband. Too messy. I say, if you decide to get a divorce, just get it, if not, stay where you are and try to work things out with hubby. Secretly enjoying the friend's attention without actually acting on it never hurt anyone.

Just because you are a mother of 3 doesn't mean you are not a s**y and wonderful and vibrant woman and men look at you. But your husband needs to understand this too. I think that by being more independent, as I mentioned earlier, your husband will see you in a new light.

Another recommendation I was going to give you. My husband sometimes insults me too and than says he was just kidding. I used to get upset and just get quite, but now I insult him back. He gets really really upset when I do that. I would say, he cut down on the insults significantly. He does not like to have his short comings mentioned to him. I don't like being mean to him but I have to protect myself and I think now he is thinking twice if kidding around is 'worth it'.

Anyway, good luck and I wish you a happy life!