Question:

My husbands sister married my brother, she had three kids prior to their marriage and now they are divorcing.?

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Ok, that is the main point. Now here is the info, when they started dating she was pregnant and her twins were 2. Now they are almost 4 and the baby is 2. They have been married for a year now. The girls realy dad is not around nor wants to be nor would he be able to be. So my brother is not legally their dad but has always been their dad, the only dad they have ever known. Since about 2 months after they had gotten married things started to change. My SIL became very emotionally and mentally abusive to my brother which is something we never saw coming. It was really bad and the only thing that kept them together as long as they have been was that they worked opposite shifts and he couldn't bear to leave the girls, nor do i believe that she can care for the girls on her own, due to a family history on her side i believe their may be some pshycosis that she needs to take care of however she refuses to allow that theory. Ok, so for the millionth time she told him she wanted a divorce. This time she was really serious but decided she wanted them to stay living in the same house, of course without him she couldn't live financially or have freedom from her children. So, this time he finally decided he had had enough, packed everything into a uhaul and left. A week has gone by and although he is still crushed he is rememebering what its like to be somewhere that he is wanted and loved (hes with my parents). So now he refuses to even speak to her, and she is suddenly in a panic. She calls him all the time, has no where to go, loves him and doesn't want this. She is finally starting to realize she may need help (so she tells me) the problem is that i don't think he will go back to her. Her family is states away and she has shut them out of her life, of course they would be more than happy to bring her to where they are and help her and her children but i don't think she will go for it. For now she is going to stay with me, but our house is small and there isn't room for the four of them to stay forever. I feel very badly because i want her to get better and i want them to be together even though i have felt so badly towards her in the past, i don't know why i feel this way after everything she put my brother through. I am mad at my brother because even though those girls aren't actually his, he took responsibilty for them over a year ago and he should have had it in his ind that one day this may happen and he should have planned for it, even if they had had a wonderful marriage, he still should have planned. BOTH of them made the decision to be a family to the girls, not just my sister in law. everyone says it's not his responsibility to care for the girls but he just shouldn't have taken it on if he couldn't carry the load through thick and thin. Like i said i don't blame him for finally leaving, his mental health is suffering dearly because of her.I have known for a long time that he needed to get out because the things she did to him were awful and he just sat back and let her do it. Why do i feel the way i feel now? I don't understand why i feel such a need to help her and anger towards him for not wanting to talk to her, i'm really not mad at him i just wish he didn't feel this way...why do i feel this way??? WHY?? What are your thoughts about the situation and what you do?? I just need some advice i guess, there isn't much anything but problems coming my way in this situation. thanks!

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  1. Honestly you seem like you have a big heart. But you shouldn't feel the need to take care of your SIL. I know you want to take care of her and the kids and get her well but having her stay with you just doesn't seem to be the right way to go about this. She will sponge off you and your husband for as long as she can and when you finally ask her to leave I bet she will blame her problems on you. Maybe in the future she will want to get better but as for now I doubt it's even an option to her. Her parents need to take control of this situation and just take her to where they live for awhile. It shouldn't be put on you and your husband to baby her. She's an adult and the way she treated your brother should have been the breaking point. Yes it's your brother responsibility to take care of his child but she seems to be making it more than difficult for him and anyone to deal with her. I applaud him for having the courage to finally leave.


  2. I think you're just showing compassion. It really strikes me that you say you never saw her abusive behavior coming. It makes me wonder if mental illness is really at the root of all these marital issues. I agree with the person above; she's going to have to turn to her family.

  3. I do understand you being upset at your brother for leaving the kids, even though they're not his, but you know that he did the right thing in leaving.  I don't get the feeling you're worried so much about your SIL as about your nieces.  You opened your home to her because you want to make sure the kids are cared for.

    I'm sorry.  I have no advice for you, but I'll remember you in my prayers.  

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