My in-laws are overwhelming us with "kindness" and I cannot find a nice way to say: "Back off!"

Question

My husband and I have been married for 6 yrs, we now have a daughter (19 mos old). His parents are very nice people but they do not know when enough is enough! They have been involved in our marraige from day 1 and now that we have our first child it has gotten worse!We cannot do anything for our daughter without them "outdoing us" or pushing their way into (what should be) activities for just the three of us. I understand the excitement of having their first grandhcild- BUT WE agreed we would not raise our first child surrounded by THINGS. YET, his parents continue to inundate our child with JUNK. When we put our foot down they throw childish fits... what can we do? We let them see her at least 3 x a week, they have NO reason to CLING to her the way they do!

I'm just tired of LETTING them "have their way" with my child... and I'm looking for a DELICATE way to say so.

My husband agrees with me but is afraid that correcting their behavior is disrespectful- and seems ungrateful

Answer 1

I had a somewhat same problem with my parents. They wanted to have my daughter every friday night, they fed her things I didnt want them to feed her and I just told them nicely, that I want my child here with me, I dont need a break from her. They will obvisouly take it a little personal, but you need to do it now before it gets worse. Just tell them how you feel, dont be snoty, they should understand. If they do get snotty, they will get over it. No reason to have your child be there 3xs a week! What grandparents do that? Sure, they love them, but not 3 times a bloody week. You should keep your child with you....good luck.

Answer 2

Grandparents think that its their job to spoil the kids. Tell them that you appreciate all of the things they get her but you don't have the room for it or take it for a few months and then donate it to charity. Our son got so much stuff his first christmas we couldn't fit it all into our apartment. We donate things regularly because he doesn't need all the 'junk' but the grandparents like to spoil.

Confront them now so when it comes to her eating habits they don't spoil that too... Candy and ice cream and ew. That is a lot harder because it deals with her health so if they know they need to respect your family as a unit with things and time food wont be so hard.

It's good you understand it is mostly because it is their first grandbaby.

BTW his parents his confrontation... he doesn't have to be disrespectful just firm. There is personal family time and all together family time. If they try to push their way in say we've planned this to be just us but maybe afterwards or tomorrow we can visit or you can take her to the park while we go on a date. (then you get a free date night!!)

Answer 3

i think youre being ungrateful, but if you want to say something, then say something. i do think you will regret it in the long run.

Answer 4

You would not be ungratefull or disrespectful. They are being disrespectful in not respecting your wishes that your daughter not be surronded by material possessions. I would sit them down and be frank. Tell them that you don't feel that your daughter needs every new toy and gadget that is on the market. If they feel the need to do something for her they could open a college fund for her. Also let them know that you will have to cut down on their visits. Explain that your daughter is at an age where she will benefit greatly from one on one time with you and your husband. They are still welcome to see her once a week, and let them know if you need a sitter they will be the first ones you will call. Let them know how much you appreciate their generosity and love for your daughter but it is just getting to be  a little much. Hopefully they will listen and understand.

Answer 5

Sounds like they need things of their own to do.  My parents or in laws don't see my kids 3 times a week either.  That seems too much.  Maybe it's time to stop telling them what your plans are or what you have already done.  That way they won't feel like they should be included and won't be able to outdo what you did.  Or tell them after you've gone somewhere if they ask.  If they act upset, say I'm sorry you're upset, but our family needs alone time together.  Even if they throw a fit when you put your foot down- do it anyways!  You wouldn't let a child get away with it, so don't let them.  It doesn't mean you have to yell at them or anything.  Just tell them how you feel and make sure they know this is how it is- and they have no choice but to accept it.

Answer 6

"They have been involved in our marraige from day 1"  Well YOU allowed it, it's too late now to say enough.  You should have set the ground rules when you first got married.

Answer 7

the thing is they probably think they are doing the right thing, if its their first granchild they will obviously want to do and be involved alot. i would politely tell them to 'back off' without making them feel as though they cannot do anything. Pick out the things that you do not want them to do waht so ever to start with such as the JUNK that you hate, tell them no more of this please for the mean while. and then introduce more things you dont want them to do. this way it wont be so obvious!

sorry if i wasnt much help

Answer 8

Okay LOL trust me I totally get how you feel!  My in-laws are the same way.  My husband managed to keep me calm for most of my daughter's First year.  While we greatly appreciated everything they were doing for us, I really, really, really wanted to be able to do some things for our daughter on our own.  They outdid us at Christmas which was fine because we were on a tight budget anyway so nothing was said.  BUT when I started planning my daughter's First Birthday...my mother-in-law (I love her dearly) jumped right in and started taking over.  I called my husband in tears from being so upset (I was angry and hurt) and so he finally had the talk with them.  

He told his parents while we truly appreciate their generosity, the way they are going about it is offending and upsetting me (thanks for singeling me out, sweetie LOL)...making me feel like I can't give my own daughter a decent birthday or life.  He explained that as a new mommy I wanted to be able to do certain things and I feel like they are sort of taking the glory out it.  Of course his mother became upset because she didn't mean to do it, she called me in tears apologizing explaining her side and how when her kids were little they couldn't do things like this for them and now they can, etc... So we talked and compromised and she has since backed off but still spoils my daughter whenever we come over (and that's fine, it's what Grandparents do best).  She also consults me now before buying something to make sure she doesn't get something that we already have or were planning on getting/doing for her.  

So there is a way to go about it, you just have to tread lightly to get your point across.  Your husband knows his parents better than you do so perhaps the two of you can concoct a plan together to sit down and talk it over with them without getting anyone too upset and with a happy ending.  Best wishes!

Answer 9

First of all, in the future to avoid being outdone I would say when asked "what did you get" or "what are you going to do" with "You'll have to wait and see just like everyone else"'

Then ask your husband to speak with them to explain that they had their chance to raise their children and this one belongs to the two of you... they have visitation rights... but she is yours to raise together as a couple and that you will gladly go to them if need be for advise or whatnot.

When that doesn't work diplomatically approach them yourself.  Let them know that with a small child that your schedule is getting crazier by the minute and that they should call ahead of time to see if your family has plans... and you can tell them your busy... they just dont have to know if your going to be busy doing laundry... going to the park... or working on baby #2....

Good luck!