My in-laws are ruining (or have ruined) my marriage?

Question

Okay, see the old questions for the long, sordid background. My in-laws live with us now after my father-in-law lost his job. They won't go out and look for realistic employment. They're broke and we're stuck with their bills.

After some good advice (on Y!A), my wife and I agreed to set a drop-dead date for them to get jobs or find some other relatives to help out. My new problem, however, is that she's started backsliding! She won't set that date and tell them what needs to be said, and she won't let me do it either.

This has (obviously) started to affect everything... my work, our marriage, long-term plans, etc. I'm at the end of my rope here. What do I do? I tried to talk to my wife about how this is affecting our marriage, and she said that if she had to choose, she'd choose her parents.

Okay, that hurt a little of course, particularly given that we both agree that her parents just aren't trying to find work. So how should I interpret this? ...unwilling to get them out and the statement that she's willing to sacrifice our marriage for people who are basically just prideful and lazy. This is a bad sign, isn't it?

Answer 1

I think your answer is in your question, you cannot put up with it any more or can you? If not tell her if her decision is to stick with her parents then she will have to do it without you. Give her some time to think that over but give her a deadline to give them a deadline. I think as I did read you previous questions that they maybe trying to drive you too apart as you said they do not like you so they are seeing how far they can push you before you break, and maybe they are aware that she will/can not stand up to them. I do not know just a guess. I would call the bluff unless you want to go into bankruptcy supporting them.  

Answer 2

I'm not sure if it's a bad sign or she just doesn't have the courage to tell her parents what the problem is? And she probally is feeling pressure from you when you keep bringing it up. Not that I disagree with you. I agree with you 100%. I think you should sit down with your wife privately and talk about her fears in letting her parents know how you both feel. And if that doesn't work, I would find a professional that might help you both in how to let her parents know. Good luck. Don't let her parents ruin your marriage. Their not worth it.

Answer 3

I really feel bad for you and your wife. You are absolutely right to want them out, but she is absolutely right to not want to throw them out. You both need to sit down and talk about this without getting angry, or saying things you will regret. She needs to realize that it is not your responsibility to take care of her family, nor is it good for your marriage to have them living there. However, you need to realize that these people gave her life and probably took care of her until she married you. She does have some obligation to them, and probably can't find the courage to just put them on the road. How would you feel if it were your parents, and your wife wanted to just put them out?? Bottom line is you are justified in wanting them to leave, and she is justified in wanting them to stay. You need to come to an agreement with your wife on this situation. Something you can both live with. Another post on here recommended you trying to find them a job. That sounds like a good idea. Or maybe, asking another relative to help out for a little while. Try to understand why your wife doesn't want to kick her parents out. Don't let your marriage fall apart over this.

Answer 4

understand that she is in a tough spot here.  remember, it's easier to tell your in-laws to get the h**l out than it would be if it were your own parents.  it's tough to choose between your spouse and your parents.  i get that.  

that being said, when your wife married you, it was "forsaking all others".  that means that you come before her parents.  i wouldn't try to pressure her and ultimatum her about it.  that approach obviously has not worked and she just gets defensive and spiteful.  however, she is completely disregarding your feelings.

the fact that she said that if she had to choose, she'd choose her folks over you is a huge red flag.  you might want to wonder what else is going on that motivated that comment, as what seems to sometimes come from left field actually does not at times.  however, you asked for answers, not commentary, so here is what i would do...

i would insist that the wife go to counseling with you.  she seems to have some issues on setting boundaries, as well as with codependence.  if she got a third party opinion that was non-biased, she might think differently about what you are saying.  for now, she feels that you are unreasonable and is tuning you out.  it's time to demand respect again.  tell her that counseling is not an option if she wants to save your marriage.  if she is not willing to go, that will be a big big big red flag and you might want to start planning your endgame.  the other thing that you can do is be careful with negative labels on her parents.  you don't know what is in their heads.  you don't know if they are depressed.  you might not know the whole stories.  badmouthing someone's parents is usually bad news.  it's kinda like with siblings...you can call your brother a jerkoff, but if someone else does it, you are ready to fight.  think about that before you badmouth them to her.  it usually won't go well.  hopefully you and she can come to some sort of common ground on this.  don't continue with things the way that they are.  you will just get more and more spiteful.  she will just dig in more and more.  you and she will be in divorce court in a year if this keeps up.  take action (both of you) to save your marriage.

Answer 5

This is a horrible situation. She should be supporting you because that's what a wife is supposed to do. Just like you should be supporting her because that's what a husband is supposed to do. She has broken her vows to you and I think you should remind her of that. But ultimately you can't control her and you shouldn't want to because there will be more problems down the road in terms of bitterness and resentment. If that is her final choice then you should decide for yourself, can you adapt and live with it or is it time for you to walk? It's not the inlaws' fault. It's her fault. She's the cause of the possible breakdown of this marriage. She lacks a backbone. I know it's hard. I can't imagine if I had to deal with this with my parents. After all they have done for me then it would be hard to kick them out essentially. But I support my husband. He comes #1. It has to be.

edit: If the situation were in reverse and my inlaws had moved in with me. I would be up a wall. I can't stand my fil because he is so stubborn and you have to watch what you say around him. He's always right. Blah. Blah. God forbid if you miss one word that he says even though he mumbles constantly. He will curse you out. It doesn't matter if you were involved in a conversation with someone else. I would be in the looney bin if I didn't put my foot down. His parents didn't do much for him. They did the bare minimum and kicked the kids out at 18. All of the kids have problems. My husband fared the absolute best.

I feel for you immensely. I think you have been fair but it's your house and you have a say. Your wife should be thinking of you first. As hard as it would be then I would find other living arrangements for my parents. I think my husband could tolerate them more than I could tolerate his parents because my parents aren't lazy people. My mother would have our house so clean and organized. My father would be investing in the stock market per usual. My parents aren't moochers. My mom can be a bit loud and overbearing at times. My dad is very laid back. The bickering could be bothersome. But in the end you have to do what is right for your immediate family. Your inlaws who are adults need to step up and do what needs to be done. Lazy is not an option. But they could be depressed. I would check into that. Once you handle the depression (if they are) then that should make things easier. Depressed people can be mislabeled as lazy.

edit: Professional counseling is always a good idea. But it takes work and some people can't do it. It's not like the counselor waves a magic wand. Can you get her to acknowledge that a problem exists? Could her parents be having health problems (mental or physical)?

Answer 6

It's an uncomfortable fact to face, but you already know the answers to your questions because your wife has told you: her deadbeat parents are more important to her than you and your relationship.

Interesting that you say she agreed to a strategy to deal with the problem and then changed her mind. Maybe she never intended to go along with what you thought you'd agreed and she just wanted to get you to shut up for a while?

It seems clear that your wife is still a little girl who hasn't yet cut the apron strings. You have to face this fact and decide just how much you're willing to tolerate in order to keep her happy in her immature pathology.

She's said that the comfort of her mommy and daddy matters more to her than your wishes and your marriage. Now the question is: just how much does her happiness and your relationship matter to you?

Self-sacrifice is an under-rated virtue these days, but I believe there is something admirable about people who stick to their wedding vows and stand by their flawed partners in spite of just about whatever c**p life throws at them. Still, there's a fine line between noble self-sacrifice and having such low self-esteem that one can only act like a doormat.

Answer 7

Tell me something, if they were YOUR parents, would you still set a deadline to get them out, just cause they don't have a job anymore and can't afford to look after themselves.  Would you through your par nets, who since the time you were born, spent their lives looking after you, feeding you, clothing you, giving you education not to mention LOVE, and sacrificing god knows how many hours of sleep to worry when you were sick, etc.  Are they not deserving of being taken care of you now.  Or is it just because they are HER parents!  Just because she is married to you, does not mean, she does not have any  PARENTS anymore.  They are the ones who bought her up and she is the person she is, and married to you.  How would you feel if she gave you an ultimatum and told YOU to give YOUR PARENTS a deadline.  Of course unless you grew up totally on your own and have never had to depend on objects like PARENTS!  They are old, and they deserve at least some rest and respect.  You should be taking care of them, now that it is their turn, to be taken care of.  But I guess if you can think of throwing them over, you would have done the same with yours instead of trying to understand that they are old and no longer as capable of getting a job, age is a big factor in getting a job, not many hire old people experience or not.  If it is a finacial drain on you, you can sit down and talk with them and explain to them and ask them what can YOU ALL  do togather to manage this better.  Maybe they have property they can put on mortgage or on rent since they live with you.  Or are you living at their house!  It is not the willingness of sacrificing a marriage over parents who have brought her over in this world.  It is the love for her parents, which you would understand if it had been your OWN parents, if you had loved them as well, just cause they are your parents.

Answer 8

I would tell my wife that I am taking matters into my own hands, and forcing the issue with her parents.  A man's home is his castle, I would tell her, and I'm not going to tolerate it anymore.  I would further tell her that I understood her completely when she said she would choose her parents over me, that I hope she will stay after her parents move out, but that I understand that I am risking her moving out with her parents.  Nonetheless, I would stand my ground and follow through.  There is a strong possibility that she told you she would choose them as a way of pressuring you into inaction, and did not really mean it.  I recommend you call her bluff.

Answer 9

Whoa...  That Merry Cate is brilliant!

Answer 10

Yes, that is a bad sign.  The way I look at it is there is no guarantee he (her father) will ever find the job he thinks he is entitled to and her mother obviously has no plans on working period.  Are you in truth willing to bend over and take?  

At this point in time, I would "accept" the possibility that my wife could divorce me for these future actions on my part:  First and foremost, I would confront the parents and flat out tell them they are not welcome in your house, you don't want them, they are being lazy / ungrateful, they are destroying your marriage and you do appreciate them expecting you to work while they bend you over daily.  

The second step I would take is to separate your income from your wifes and cancel any joint accounts you may have opened..such as credit cards / bank accounts etc. (also separate her cell phone bills if you have multiple cell phones and other items).  Tell her that from that point in time you will only pay YOUR bills and those bills which you need to based on your past spending + utilities (fair share).  If she wants to pay for her parents bills than she will need to come up with it on her own.  

If she is unhappy with those arranagements than she can either kick her parents out of she can file for divorce.

Answer 11

Get a bigger house.

Answer 12

Dude, a person has to stick with their parents or their children cause they're BLOOD!!!

Answer 13

Yes, a bad sign. I don't think there's anything to interpret here. She flat out said -  "if she had to choose, she'd choose her parents." Pretty cut and dry. Sorry.

Answer 14

i feel for both of you. those are her parents, and she feels some kind of obligation and duty to them. on the other hand, she has her life with you now. is there anyone in her family that you are close to that you can talk to and see if they can talk to her or her parents? or maybe if you move out for awhile, she may see that she really misses you and see how hard it is for her to this without you. in either case, i wish you best of luck. i know you really love her and your a great guy for putting up with this for so long.

Answer 15

Did you agree to help them out of a crisis? Or did you agree to take care of them for as long as they want?

It seems to me that this has become a bitter brew of mixed issues. You need to get back on track with the principles of the matter.

You did show respect and concern for your wife's parents by agreeing to help them out in the first place. You had every right to expect the arrangement to be temporary.

The issue is one of employment. This issue is not about parents and children. All of you are adults - and fully capable adults at that. We are not talking about ill, incapacitated parents who need care, we are talking about adults who are not owning their share of their adult responsibility.

What your wife owes her parents for all the love & care they gave her all her life is just confusion. All this does is complicate the issue and distract you from the practical problem that calls for a practical solution. These people need to be independent, self-sufficient and responsible for themselves and you have a right to expect just that.

Letting them ride on your back indefinitely doesn't serve anyone - it simply depletes resources that could benefit your marriage/family and enables them to continue being deadbeats. Furthermore, it is putting strain on your marriage. How does this make anything better for anyone?

Whatever obligation your wife feels to them is unfair if not put into the context of her obligation to her husband/marriage and her new family - the one she left her parents to create for her life. We all MUST put first priority on our marriage or it will not last! If her parents had not stuck together, they would not be together. How is it acceptable for them to stick together and expect to pit the two of you against each other?

You have a right to challenge the imbalance in her obligation to them and if she sees that question as a choice between you and them instead of a call to balance, she has lost perspective.

It seems to me that your inlaws have succeeded in twisting the issues such that a practical problem they brought into your home has precipitated a marriage crisis. Your marriage is most definitely in trouble. For your wife to say she would choose them over you confirms that they have made it an issue of loyalty so it will be increasingly more difficult for you to address it for what it is: 2 people who refuse to own their adult responsibility.

Parents are very special people in our lives but when they touch our lives in destructive, harmful ways, they become toxic and should be removed from any position where they can use power to do harm. As your wife refuses to allow boundaries that protect your marriage to be drawn, you may need to draw boundaries to protect yourself. Now that she has decided to stand against you with them, you have no choice but to stand alone.

My suggestion would be to make a last attempt to talk to your wife about this situation from the perspective of helping her parents regain their independence/take on their responsibility and point out how this is ideal and beneficial for everyone, so the sooner it happens the better.

If she refuses to cooperate in achieving this obviously worthwhile goal, you are probably dealing with "baggage" - she is stuck in non-productive patterns of emotion and behavior. You will not be able to overcome this because these are her issues and until she chooses to deal with them all she will do is hurt and reject you for pressuring her to do other than what they dictate.

This is a practical problem and you have a right to draw the line on what is acceptable and what is not. Then, let the consequences be what they are. The more you put off taking a stand, the more resentment, hostility, anger, frustration etc. will build up. It will get to the point where everyone is driven by negative emotion rather than practical solutions. I'm sure you can already see it coming.

My thoughts & prayers are with you - this is a very difficult thing to go through. I wish you success in getting back on track and solving the "real" problem!

Answer 16

Can I have your address? I need a place to live and I have no job and no money and no incentive to work.

You sound like such a nice guy. If your wife is prepared to leave you for her parents, then I'm afraid the writing is on the wall. These parasites have found themselves a willing host and have no intention of ever leaving and just sucking you dry. In you marriage vows were'nt there words to the effect of "forsaking all others". Something your wife needs to remember. Obviously she doesn't feel the same way you do. It's time to harden up and put up. Time to issue ultimatums and discuss how you feel about the situation, with everyone involved. If the outcome is not satisfactory to your requirements, then it's time to move out and leave them to themselves. You are obviously the unwelcome outsider here.

Answer 17

Try the approach that this could be a new beginning for them.  They have the opportunity to start over.  Begin again.  Start bringing numbers or addresses of places you see that are hiring and just I thought you might want to consider this job.  Print job listings off the internet for your area and see what kind of reaction you get.  Sometimes when people that are older lose something they don't really know where to begin to start over.  Maybe they just need a little help.

Answer 18

kick their butt out.  in laws suck/  you married the person not their friggin family.  my mother in law borrow my can for a year and never paid insurance the whole time.  and she gave the van dirty and did not even put gas on the take.  i would not pay for mother in bill./  tell your wife to kick them out oor you will find a new wife/

Answer 19

marriage is honourable and the man and the woman are the top priority.please talk to your wife that your relationship as husband and wife is the highest and most wonderful relationship on this side of heaven.talk to your inlaws too,see if u can politely convince them.u need a lot of patience.try to tell your wife and if she understands then the problemm will get solved easily and sooner

Answer 20

I hate to say this..but she has made her mind up. If I wer you I would get some marriage counseling fast or she may just choose them over you. We cannot help you here. Professional intervention is going to be necessary.

Sorry