!!My latest poem re-worked, everyone please check it out!!?

Question

~Happy Birthday~

I awaken to the sound of screaming

My alarm wailing at me to wake up

It dies with a dull thud

I get up

Eyes, bloodshot form the night before

Burning with the fire of 30 candles

Where’s my cake

I called in sick today

As if they would even notice I was gone

I checked the mail

Nothing but bills and hatred

Where’s my cards

I go to open the fridge

And that’s when I find my present

Its lying on the counter

I had to buy it myself

It’s stayed by me my whole life

My last remaining friend

He always was a sharp one

I dig it in to find I’m barely living

The blood runs out like silk

Flowing like rich icing, falling to the floor

My best present yet

There I lie, clutching at my one remaining friend

“Thank you”, I whisper softly

"Happy birthday to me..."

So, what are your thoughts.

P.S

It was originally a response to the question "Its my birthday, can you all write me a poem."

So I did, and this is what I made for them. (This is a revised and corrected edition, of course)

Answer 1

its good!!

Answer 2

<3 I loved it...but your punctuation, and a bit of your grammar is off.

I'm not going to tell you which lines need commas/periods, because you should be able to figure it out. However, you need a question mark at the end of "Where's my cake" ALSO, when you say "where's my cards" it should be "where are/where're my cards?"

Hope you found this useful. Gonna star this, cause i loved it soooo much. Thanks a lot for sharing this!

Answer 3

Strange and much too dark.

Answer 4

sounds more like a story than a poem.