My mate doesn't understand my pain, anyone been through this?

Question

i received some information for a site for first moms and i emailed my information. then i called the phone number. the man couldn't talk and all i could do was cry. i actually had a live voice that knew something about my situation, but he had to go. i asked if he knew of one first mom that would talk to me. just a voice......... he told me he'd email some information. i'm so overwhelmed with emotions. my mate overheard me on the phone and wanted to know who i was talking to, he knew it was a guy. i told him. he got mad and said, "for crying out loud that happened 'X' amount of years ago, can't you just let it go?" i can't stop sobbing. he's a good man, he just doesn't get it. i've tried to tell him. he doesn't understand. any ideas? i feel so alone. i feel so dead.

Answer 1

I'm sorry I don't understand. What happened X amount of years ago?

Answer 2

You will never be able to 'just let it go'. You will always have that empty place in your heart. You should go for counceling and depending on the age of your child, start a search. Since I found my daughter, my life is so much better, but the counseling helped too.

Answer 3

Not sure what your pain is about.

If it's (based on the forum) adaption, if you are the one adopted.  I imagine it would be hard not knowing who your real parents are, but be grateful if the ones you know love you.

If is because you had to give a child up for adaption.  I empathize, but pray that the baby is in a happy home and is being loved by the parents.  And be open to maybe meeting this child when they are older.

Now, if the pain of loss was that of miscarrying a child.  Only time can heal that wound.  You will always wonder what the child might of looked like.  How they would behave, etc.

In any case you might want to see a professional psychiatrist this way your mate will not feel so insecure.

Answer 4

You have to let go for your own sake. No one told you just how hard it is to give your child away (right) but you have to move on and think your childs in a nice home and one day you will meet Good luck

Answer 5

he just doesn't want to see you hurt.

Answer 6

I'm really, really sorry.  )-:  My ex-hub and I had been together for years before I searched, so by the time I found my first mom, I trusted him to make the call for me so it wouldn't shock her too much.  She said she needed to pray and almost hung up on him, but my ex kept her on the line and after a few minutes she decided she could talk to me after all.

There are a lot of things I don't like about him, but I will always love my ex-hub for his willingness to help me in my search and his attempts to understand the adopted mess that is me.

If youre mate isn't willing to even try to understand, then maybe he's not your mate.  Or maybe you just haven't been able to explain things to him in a way he can grasp.  Have you offered him any books to read on the subject of how it feels to have relinquished a child?

I'm really sorry this happened.  You're not alone.  For one thing, you can email me via my profile.  For another, you are FAR from the only person to go through this.  It happens all the time in the US and wherever else birth records are sealed.

I don't think the emotions we have about adoption ever necessarily go away--but no matter what, there will be a time when you feel better than you feel now.  I promise you that.

Answer 7

look i know it was hard for you i coudl have been the one you gave up but look at it this way i am fine and you should knw this most of the kids are in good homes and happy. you need to know this. yes, it would be hard to do this and he does not know because he never did this if he'd been in this situation he would understand sometimes it takes quite the man to understand. i knw there are men out there that understand but its alot to reason with and so many men can't do much of that i am sorry you feel this way but you did the right thing and i hope you can go on and take care.

Answer 8

I am so sorry that you are feeling alone...Hopefully "your mate" will come to understand and if not that he is not your husband.  

I told my husband before we got married that I had a child out there somewhere and that I would like to have his blessings on the fact that I was going to leave a letter in my baby's file. The letter for contact was for when she was of age that I hoped that she would contact me; let me know of the great life that she had and if I had made the right choice......That got me through all the years without her!  My birth daughter did not contact me until she was 27 and ready to have children of her own! I have since met her and her husband, talked with her parents....We have vacationed with her & we have known each other for 9 yrs!

Answer 9

*HUGS RED SUPER TIGHT*

Nobody I have been with has ever understood the grief and loss I have been through. All I am ever told is to "get over it". We don't get over it, losing a child in any way is life changing.

I think we need to actually talk more. I'm gonna email you!

*hugs red again even tighter*