My mom and abuse - confusion?

Question

My parents have been divorced for ten years and seven years ago my mother remarried. She and my stepdad are sometimes verbally and physically abusive of me and my brother (who has mild autism and doesn't understand what they're doing is wrong).

On the last day of school, I wrote a story about a girl who was mistreated by her mother which was kind of autobiographical and I gave it to a teacher and I hoped the teacher or the principal would ask me if something was wrong. I felt guilty, I guess, and I didn't want to just tell, because it was hard for me, and I know it's stupid, but I wanted someone to ask. So on the last day of school, the principal asked, but my stepdad was in the office and I got scared and said nothing was wrong. I know that no one can help me if I didn't tell them I needed it, but I WAS SCARED. Later, I wrote the principal a letter so she would understand the situation, but I know I should have told when I had the chance.

When I got home to my mom's house, she freaked out about the story, because apparently the principal (whom I'd actually trusted) had told my mom about it despite me telling her specifically not to do so, and my mom told me to get out and go stay with my dad and never come back and I said I would and I did.

My dad said I could stay with him as long as I needed to, and even though she's trying to fight it, that's what I'm doing. But last night my theatre group put on a play and she wasn't there and neither was my brother or my stepdad and it just felt so incomplete. I was both relieved, because I didn't WANT her to show up anyways, and sad, because a small part of me was hoping against hope that she'd be there. This really seals the deal, that she won't be there to celebrate my successes, and they are no longer important to me. I feel so incomplete and depressed, when I really shouldn't feel this way. I should feel excited about the play! Is it normal to feel this way? What can I do about it?

Answer 1

You did EXACTLY the right thing, and your principal should be ashamed of herself, how dare she betray your confidence like that. You are well out of it; yes, of course you will have some regrets and sorrow, that is natural, but know you're now on the right path and never worry about whether or not you did the right thing, because you did. I hope your brother will be OK too, your mother and her new husband sound like nightmares, they deserve each other.

Answer 2

want to let you know that you are not alone in the feelings and weird circumstances.

I packed out of my parent's house 7 years ago after 8 horrific years of abuse; physical, verbal, emotional, psychological.

Do what you need to to continue being safe and emotionally free and happy, healthy. Stay away from the corroding sources. Read up inspiring stories, quotes, books, until you feel strong enough to re-amalgate with the wide world.

Pray to God.

Do not look back on the pain, it does not mean to wipe out that part of life experience.

Gather the life lessons and realise they are whatever it had to take to make you stronger and wiser now, (not that they are a must to happen). Use your inner intuition to guide you, grow around loving and kind people. The journey takes time, years, be patient and trust in God. Pass on this advice to others who might require it along your way. You are a good person, believe in your goodness, and Not what abusers say. It's obvious what the truth is. ;-)

Help your brother too, if you are able to. Teach him wisdom.  

Answer 3

i feel for you and your situation and what you are feeling is normal.. at the moment you have somewhere to live and thats great.. i guess that going back to your mom you will be going back to the same situation it has  been before you moved in with your dad.

i pray that you find some answers some how.. may be go and talk to your principal and seek some counselling also..

Answer 4

Do not feel guilty and do not allow her to make you feel bad for doing the right thing.

Because you were brave enough to handle it the way you did, you potentially saved yourself and your brother from a lot of danger.

They can no longer feel free to hit you or your brother without fear of being caught.

You are a brave, intelligent person.

Best wishes

Answer 5

I am so sorry to hear this, but the main thing is here is that you are saying your parents are being abusive to you and your brother. It may be hard but you need to get some help - explain the situation to a teacher and s/he can sort it out for you. Good luck  

Answer 6

You said: "I hoped the teacher or the principal would ask me if something was wrong. [...] I know it's stupid, but I wanted someone to ask." Ok, you were asked BUT in the presence of the person who used to abuse you!! So, I think that these adults did not really want to make a decision because they pretended it was a "family problem", not a school problem. Hence the situation in which you felt abandoned by them (the headmistress, the teacher, your stepdad, your mom). I think it was an adult's betrayal. It hurt you, and you felt really bad: anybody would have felt the same in your situation!

You said: "but my stepdad was in the office and I got scared and said nothing was wrong. [...] You were absolutely RIGHT! No one could help you if you said nothing, but when you were asked to say something, AGAIN you found the same adults trying to make YOU FEEL GUILTY whereas they were pretending being good parents to you. It still was an adult's betrayal.

You said: "I wrote the principal a letter so she would understand the situation, but I know I should have told when I had the chance." You were absolutely RIGHT to write this letter and not accept their silence,  but AGAIN you found the same problem : the adult's betrayal when you said "despite me telling her specifically not to do so" You could easily think that no one really takes your needs into account and you would be right. Nevertheless, I would like to say that, unfortunately, you have been struggling with betrayers and that must be what makes you feel so uneasy. YOU did the right things, they did not. I mean, adults have rights but they also have DUTIES and these people did not do their duties. So you DID the duties and THAT WAS DESTRUCTIVE. You are more adult than they were when you said this: "I said I would and I did." Yes, you decided to go and live with your father BUT YOU STILL FEEL THE BETRAYALS and their effects on you.

To your question "Is it normal to feel this way?", I answer ABSOLUTELY NORMAL. You need a warm family, you need a straightforward relationship with adults, but you have had to fight to get your rights respected.

When you ask "What can I do about it?", I would say that you could just go on talking about what happened to you on this website to get friendly answers, and you did it. You really deserve a calmer life. I wish you could find a doctor who could give you the address of specialised psychologists for teenagers to help you find your way. Not all adults are betrayers, you know. Those betrayers have lost their victim, you are free. Why not write a play with your story? Betrayers can be laughed at when their betrayals are known by everybody!

Continue to give yourself a chance to find trustworthy people! Good luck!