My mom gave her baby up for adoption?

Question

My mom 2 years ago went thru a major depreesion due to that fact that she gave her baby up for adoption when she was 17. She had no choice back in the late 50's that's what you did, she wasn't even alloud to her or touch her. My mom recently wanted to get in touch with her. Well my mom found her and the lady wants to meet with my mom so very badly but my mom can't come to terms with it. I think this would really help her with her deppression. And I would be able to learn about my half sisster. Any Advice???

Answer 1

I twould be good for her

Answer 2

I agree with Concerned, also find some first mom blogs, your mom is not alone,  knowing others, reading their stories will hlep her.

Good luck

Answer 3

That must be horrible! What your mother must have gone throuhg!

I've never being in her situation, thank God, but I did have my son at 17, and I hope your mother blocks out anyone who tries to lie to her that the child had a better life 'wihtout her'.

All the best.

And yulia, ty znaesh shto, ty prosto samaya nastoyashaya dura!

Answer 4

Sounds like it would be healing for everyone involved.  She's lucky to have a sweet, supportive daughter like you.  Your 1/2 sister may have been given a better life by your mom's choice - tell her to think of it that way.

Answer 5

First have them talk alot on the phone..I'm sure your mom is scared that her daughter will blame her or have bad feelings that she gave her up..she may also be embarrassed that she suffers from depression..I think she should talk to her doctor first..Don't push her into it..she needs to do this on her own.Maybe you can talk to your half sister too..Let her know what is going on , so she will know it's not that your mom doesn't want to meet her , it's just that she is scared too..Hope this helps..good luck to you all.

Answer 6

Tell her that both her and the child she gave up have unanswered questions and things they need to say.  As an adoptee who was found by her biological family, I didn't want or need a relationship but I needed some answers and not serious things like "why did you give me up" ----I had awesome parents who from day one told me that was due to pure love---- anyway, I wanted to know things about them.  So tell you Mom to do it for the girl cause she probably would like to know things like what your mom's favorite color it or just silly things like that

How about they take it slow and talk on the phone until they are both ready and neither one should expect too much too soon , take it slow.

And maybe your mom should see a Dr. about the depression, really.

Answer 7

good luck

Answer 8

Starr, as a mother myself I can tell you it is very hard for us to face our children. We are terribly afraid of what they will think of us, what they will say. We think perhaps they may hate us and want nothing more from us than medical information. Sounds like alot to be afraid of doesn't it? Yet that is only the tip of the iceberg. You are correct in stating your mother had no choice. She didn't, not then as I did not in 1984. Coercion is alive and well in adoption.

Now as for some advice, I have a few things that may help. There is a website that is for mothers and adoptees (Natural mothers not adoptive) adoptioncrossroads.org This group has a nightly faciliated chat. It is a safe place to talk about anything and everything relating to your moms situation and your half sisters. It may help your mom come to terms with things and give her the strength to meet your sister. Time is what it takes for alot of us. Lots and lots of time. Most likely your mother is struggling with PTSD. I would suggest if she is willing, that you find a therpaist who is versed in the after affects of adoption on the natural mother. The thing you need to remember about this, is that isn't about you or your sister, it is about your mom and her feelings. You can meet your sister if you wish to. But until your mom is ready for it, you can talk to her about it, reassure her and let her know you are there for her and support her. The one thing I would also suggest is that you and your mom also go to therapy together it may help. You are all affected by the monster called adoption. Your mom has to come to terms with herself and what happened to her, and it is a hard, hard thing to do. Even when you had no choice in what happened. We feel unworthy and as if we really do not have a right to a relationship with our lost children. If you have contact with your sister tell her some of the things I Have told. She needs to be ready as well to meet your mom. Reunion is not easy for any of us, and she needs support as well. Again I would suggest a support group for her or a therapist well versed in adoption reunion issues. Contact me via email if you would like and I can give you and your mom some other resources that may help. In the meantime just know there are many out there just like you and your mother, in exactly the same situation, there is help available!

Answer 9

I think they should meet.  It would give your mother closure to see that she was not a bad person for putting her up for adoption, she had no other option.  I think you mom needs to know that you support her in this and that you would like to know you half sister.  Just knowing that someone is behind you can help take away any uncertainties.

It is never too late for a new beginning.  Good luck!

Answer 10

I'm sorry, but i think once you give your child for adoption you lost every rights to this child. Real mom is person who raised the child not who gave birth. You already ruined your own life when you give away your child, why would you want to ruin child's life and life of people who adopt the child when you will come back and "Hi, I am your mom. I give you birth ..... years ago. I am fill sorry now and want to have you back". You made your choice many years ago, there is nothing you can say to your child know.

Answer 11

Give your mom time to get up the strength. i have never given up a child for adoption, but as a mother I know that it had to be a hard time. Support your mom with whatever she needs. Good luck!!!

Answer 12

omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg

Answer 13

Your mother is obviously having a rough time of it. I hope she can feel healthy enough to meet her daughter/your sister soon.

In the meantime, I suggest you meet with your sister even if your mother can bring herself to right now.

I suspect your sister needs you. Good luck.

Answer 14

well do think what u should do first then talk to her bout it ok.

Answer 15

Heavey stuff. I have to say though, it takes an extremely strong, intelligent selfless, woman to make such an emotional disicion. Every child wants to know where they came from. Obviously the child wants to know her biological mother too, other wise the adoption agency wouldn't of let it get this far. This is a moment that is inevidable, so all there is to do now is make this as pleasant, and wonderful an experience as you can. I think this will enlighten everyones life who is involved. Wow, you get a new sister. Happy Days! This is a good thing.

Answer 16

Don't try and force your Mom into so that you can meet her. I'm sure that was really hard on her and now that she has contacted her daughter let her have the time she needs to meet up with her...stay out of it honey.

Answer 17

Oh for heaven's sake, I cannot BELIEVE all the c**p answers in here. Please ignore most of this stuff and read Mary G.'s answer... and then read it five more times, okay?

I'm a mom, too. I lost my daughter to adoption in 2001--and while, yes, things are different today, the emotions of a mother losing her child are the same. Many, many of us develop PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and depression as a result of losing our children to adoption. And to be perfectly honest, a reunion is not going to make that better. There's no "closure" in adoption, there is just learning to live with, learning to manage.

That being said... I'm not discouraging a reunion. I think a reunion would be good for everyone (including you), but I think it's important that you all know that reunion is HARD. And I also think your mom should get herself as emotionally healthy as possible before going into one. I'd suggest printing out some articles for her on depression and PTSD in birth mothers (there aren't a lot of studies out there, but there are a few--do some Googling, and also check out adoptioncrossroads.org for some info). Then hand her the articles and perhaps gently ask her if she sees any of herself in the descriptions of PTSD and depression. Stress to her that it's a NORMAL reaction to losing a child, and that it's treatable with the right kind of therapy. Honestly, if she is suffering from PTSD, one of the hallmarks of the disorder is avoidance... so it's going to be very, very hard for her to face a reunion if she does have untreated PTSD.

I am so sorry your family was ripped apart by the adoption boom of the 50's. I hope you can meet your sister soon.

(((((((Hugs)))))))

Answer 18

i know you feel bad for your mom and you would like to know your sister BUT you need to leave this one  between your mom and her child. I'm not so sure that giving up this baby is your moms only problem. you could suggest to your mom that she needs to go to the doctor to get some help for her depression.in her state of mind this is not a good time for her to try to reunite. reuniting will not help in her depression as a matter of fact it could make it worse. I'm sorry all of this is happening to you and your mom. if she could get on some meds and stay on them for a while she will be able to think a little straighter then she can decide if she wants to look up the child she gave up. you have to understand your sister is not your moms daughter. she is some one elses daughter. you also need to know that most parents that reunite with a child that was giving up at birth does not normally go very well. think long and hard about what you are wanting to do. some things as painful as it can be are better off left alone. your mom needs help more then you need to meet your sister.

Answer 19

I agree. I think it would help her depression.  However, she has to be ready to do it.  On the other hand, don't hesitate contacting her YOURSELF.  That may help break the ice for your mom later on.

Answer 20

Dunno. Are we sure that the depression isn't chemical? If it isn't then yes, the meeting may be helpful. Especially if an appology is made and accepted. Otherwise, it may make things more messy.

Answer 21

Persuade your mom into it. A good way of persuasion is to write a nice letter stating all of the reasons and upsides to visiting her daughter.

Good luck!!

Answer 22

I say do it, i lost a baby in labor and i would give all the money in the world if i could bring the child back in my life, so my answer is do it and be there for your mom i can imagine how hard this was for her and what she went thru. dont let anything stop her from going to see her daughter and u hang in there and just be happy for your mom. Good luck to all of you hope u get to know each other and everything goes well for u.....

Answer 23

This is a very touchy subject and I'm not here to judge but my b/f was adopted out in the 60's.He has been though living h**l

I'm going to be straigh foward .Your mom has no right to use the excuse of being depressed,so she's went through alot ??not near what that child has , a child not being with the real parent over all these years and even in the 50's just as today that its h**l raiseing a child,, i raised 5 by myself no state aide or help from the so called dhs or food stamp line . i look for god to forgive me for being so harsh on women /men that give up their children for any reason.there would be no way i could have another child knowing i gave up one.....so its okay to have a child if you think oh i can care for this one..no way

that adopted child is scared for life,,my b/f is a sorry father to his children and it all boils down to the way he was done when he was growning up ..he has brothers and sisters and he feels like c**p..about it,,ive lived with him for 14 years and he willnever be the same and he's 45 y o  it dont matter how old he may be , its like a child hurting listening about how his brothers and sisters have this and that and going to college ,but not him for his mom gave him up ,so tell mom to suck it up and hope this child well over come this and forgive her..........had no choice in the 50's sure she did ever one has choices its what is best,at 17 you make the choice to have s*x or not to then you make a choice to keep or let go .my 5 children are grown and we were poor but i did the best i could and ate alot of things over and over yet WE survived and i worked my hands to bleed and cleaned houses for old perverted men to feed my family you named i worked it to make it but not at any time did i go past morals and ethics to just make money or sell my soul,,i didnt have family to help me or neighbor or friends i didnt have time to even make friends and my children are all on there own and are proud , it brought us close and it would change a thing ,the many night i cried seeing my children do with out but god and i managed

just fine but not once did i ever think about giving my babies at .there were fatherless for there father ran off with a 22 year old but we did just fine ,good luck with all this and hope for the best ,but mom needs to stop thinking about herself, there's no time for depresstion save the enegry and put it toward the child she never knew and hope that it will all work out for the best,,

Answer 24

You need to give your mom some space about this.  She has even more to lose, or so she thinks.  Even though she may feel she did what she had to do and had little or no choice, there is still her guilt about not being there for the child she gave up so many years ago.  She is also afraid of being rejected by this "child" who is now an adult, but in your mom's mind, she is still that baby so many years ago.  

This is a tough time for your mother.  Just be as sweet as possible and let her know that you  support her 100% no matter what she chooses to do.  And mean it...  this is important!  :)

Good luck to your mom.  By the way,

I have a 17 year old son who we adopted...and I want to meet her again when my son turns 18, but this is his choice, not mine and well, again....we have to stand behind our loved ones no matter what. :)

Answer 25

Explain to her how importmant it is for you..I think its wonderfull they are willing to meet you...My mother found her real father and he told her to kiss off and hed call the cops if she tryed to contact him again...You guys have come this far in the search ..I belive time will heal all wonds....Good Luck!!!

Answer 26

I think that your Mom needs to meet her long lost daughter. You bet this will help her to close some doors that probally need to be closed and she, and you can form a new relationship with someone very special to you guys. That might can help you all at the same time. I wish you all the best and your Mom to. God Bless you.

Answer 27

Leave ur mom alone...Respect her desicion.

Answer 28

Just be as supportive and loving to your mother as you can. Let her know that you are there for her, no matter if she chooses to meet with your sister or not.

Answer 29

encourage your mom to meet with her, if anything maybe you could at least meet with her, I mean she is your half sister...

Answer 30

I'd suggest a heap of reading - blogs, books - to try to understand what your mother and your sister are possibly feeling. Blogs give a great insight into the fears that both may have.

Adoption has hurt both of them - and I would certainly say - from your mother's reaction - that she has never dealt with the trauma of losing her daughter - most mothers were/are told to go home - and just get over it. When mother's lose their children to death - they are allowed to grieve. In adoption - they are told to just forget.

I' d certainly encourage YOU to have a relationship with your sister. When adoptees have been rejected in their search - they really appreciate contact from other family members.

Being acknowledged by one's biological family is very important.

When you get a full understanding of the issues and feelings - you may then be able to support your mum more - and your sister.

Here are some links you should check out -

Adoptee blogs -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

First mum blogs -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Literature about adoption and reunions -

http://origins-usa.org/Default.aspx?page...

Search and reunion is no easy feat for ANYONE involved.

BUT - it does help to heal old wounds.

I wish you all the very best.

Possum. xx

(Aussie adoptee)

Answer 31

well i have something that that may help your mom that you can relay to her.

heres my story....

my missus was in a relationship when she was in her early twenties, she had 2 boys and when the oldest was about 3, the father disappeared with her boys at xmas and she has never seen them since, she had years of depression and still hasnt come to terms with it now.

now a few years later approx 10 years ago, she met another man who she fell in love with and had a lil girl ( we will call her Belle ) . before Belle reached 1, the father did the same and took her child from her.

twice this has happened to her and it left her devestated and a broken woman.

since then she has had 2 more girls (obviously trying to replace the ones taken from her and they currently live with us now.

now take this into account that she lost contact with her own father and family for about 11 years due to her parent spliting up and her step father doing things to her that make me wanna kill the guy.

now the good part.....

i met my missus 2 years ago, she lived in a rough part of essex, i wont say the place. having had to drive 150 miles to see her each weekend and being an outsider, it was obviously going to be difficult for me, anyway, to cut a long story short. these 2 young lads took it upon themselves to give me a hard time one night. well fortunately i wasnt drunk like they were and they went running after a few smacks.

she has since moved to the midlands with me and we are very happy.  

my missus has had the courage to locate her father and family through friends reunited of all places about a year ago.

from this, out of the blue, the sister of the father of Belle contacted my missus's dad asking for my missus's permission to take Belle on hols and since then we have been to see Belle loads of times and she and my missus feel like mother and daughter again.

now the next step to is try and find her two boys. who knows, she may have a stroke of luck or they might come looking for her when they hit 18. who knows!!!

what im trying to say is that ur mom should realise that none of it was her fault and what she went through is probably more painful because she had to give the baby up.

family is the most important thing in a persons life and without them, it can be very lonely.

your half sister is a part of ur family whether she is with you or not.

ur mom shouldnt feel guilty at all. as her daughter is now an adult im sure she will understand.

tell ur mom to make the leap and im sure she wont forget it.

if she dont. she will regret it to the day she dies and u cant live life with regrets.

i hope it works out for you all.