My mother is planning on adopting her granddaughter. I am in search of tips and advice!?

Question

Of course, I cannot wait until she does, I am a little worried about how this will affect the child's mental and emotional development. She is 15 months right now, and at a very important age in which security and stability are key factors in her progress. Her mother has a history of mental illness and was put into foster care. She has been with this foster family for a few months now, so she is pretty settled in, and probably has grown some attachments to certain people and rituals. Since we live out of state, my mother can't visit often enough for my neice to get used to her, so the change is going to be so sudden that I am a bit concerned. Does anyone have any tips or advice that may help the situation?

Answer 1

Dear Violetsoul,

I just want to tell you how wonderful I think it is that your family is supporting your niece and is keeping the family together! It is a shame more families don't step up for one another.

Here are some tips and suggestions for making the transition a little smoother for your niece:

Has your mother been in contact with the foster family? She should ask them for a list of things that you niece is used to such as schedule, favorites (foods, songs, activities, etc), and dislikes. Ask the foster family to read some stories on a tape and send some pictures to help her maintain some of the connection she has made at least for a little while. Ask them to send a favorite blanket and/or stuffed animal with her. Ask what type of laundry detergent they use (smells are the strongest of memory triggers) and maybe use the same kind on your nieces clothing and bedding.

These were just the few I could think of. I couldn't find the list I had when I used to be a GAL and had to tell people this stuff all the time. If I find it I'll come back and edit.

Good luck to you all and I hope that everything works out well. You sound like a stong and caring family and I hope that your futures are bright and healthy for a long time to come!

Answer 2

Children are very resilient, especially under the age of three. It is usually considered best to place a child with family if at all possible. I suggest sitting back and relaxing and let things take their course. the child will settle in in due time.

Answer 3

Well, she needs to keep in mind that mental illness runs in families and if she had to put your sis in foster care she may very well have to do so with this child one day.  And to be honest and upfront with the child when she asks questions and answer with age appropriate answers.  And to love her and expect nothing in return.  You cannot force love.  Get her on a schedule from the start and stick to it.  Children thrive in a controlled situation especially if their first days have been filled with chaos.  She has to know that she has a schedule and a safe home and food and people that love her and that you are not going anywhere.  And it can take years to feel secure when you have already lived in confusion and turmoil.  Even at her age.  Expect nothing and be happy with every little stride she takes.

Answer 4

It really depends on how your mom handles it! My Mom and Dad adopted my son and they told me that he would still call me mom and they would be grandpaw and grandmaw. And made the excuse that all my brother and sister were calling them mom and dad so he just started calling them mom and dad I did not mention that they gave me so much trouble that I just left because they made me feel dirty and just like i was trash. Then my Dad died when my son was two years old and then my mom really got were she didn't want me around even more. She had my son sleep with her until he was 12 years old and yes he is really messed up!    but your mom needs to have an understanding that adopting her grandchildren is going to be very hard unless she lets her granchilren know right off the bat that who her mom and dad are and let them stay in their life and be a part of it.  My son has allot of anger towards me and he is 34  now and found out around 6 or 7 and ask my mom why I gave him up. But it was my sister that put allot of lies in his head because me and her did not get along. So I hope and pray that you mom has the wisdom to let love be in her home and with all the family.

Answer 5

They might encourage your mom, to visit over a period of time. A few hours here, a long day and then a week-end visit.

When we adopted our daughter, we did not live in the same town, it was a gradual process.