My mother is questioning my decision to have a traditional church wedding. This will be my third marriage.

Question

I am a little embarrassed because I made poor choices earlier in life. I honestly wished I had taken my fiance up on his invitation to a picnic right out of high school. My life would have probably been much different.

My first marriage lasted less than 2 years right out of high school. My ex and I look at it now as a way that we used to get moved out of our parents house. We were both too young to understand the seriousness of the commitment we were making. Our ceremony was put together in 3 weeks and was in the fellowship hall of the church I had attended when I was younger. (The sanctuary at the time was being remodelled).

The second marriage lasted 18 years but ended when he became physically abusive and started cheating on me. That ceremony was just the two of us and our witnesses with a minister I met a few days prior.

I'm getting married at the end of August to a man I went to high school with, but did not date back then. We've have been dating almost 6 years and have really taken our time to get to know each other. We are both Christian and a lot of our dates have involved church activities. He was married in the past for about a year in a simple ceremony with just a witness. We are planning a ceremony at our church and invited friends and family. We have a best man, maid of honor, a ring bearer and a flower girl as our wedding party. We have gone through pre-marital counselling. I've put a lot of thought into our ceremony, picking out the music and everything. I plan to wear a pale blue dress and he is wearing a dark suit. (no wedding gown or tuxedo) We are having a pianist and a singer who will do 2 songs. I'm not using the "Wedding March" but instead "Canon in D". We will light a unity candle and take communion. We plan to have my sons usher and escort our mothers to their seats. Our reception will be in the Fellowship Hall with just wedding cake, punch, mints and nuts. I want our day to be memorable for us. We feel that God brought us together and want to honor that with a church ceremony. Our minister knows we have both been married before and has no problems with performing the ceremony. We are paying for everything ourselves

My mother, however, is constantly asking, "Why are you going to so much trouble? You know this is your third marriage!" It is making me question whether or not we are doing the right thing. She and my sister are the only ones who have made comments like that, even though several of the people I have invited know that I've been married before. I've tried to tell her that it hurts me when she says that and that I am well aware of the mistakes I've made in the past. I am not the same person that I was back then. Any suggestions or comments to help me deal better with this?

Answer 1

It's your wedding. You can get married however you want. It's not your mother's place to say.

Answer 2

If you both want to be married in a church and the church approves then I don't see how anyone Else's opinions matter!  #3 is no less important them #1!

Answer 3

While an encore wedding is generally more low-key than what is typically seen for a first wedding, each situation is different. Only you can decide what is right for you.

Based on what you've said here, I see nothing wrong or inappropriate with your plans.

I'm guessing your mother is still just old-school and thinking about how things used to be done no matter what the circumstance. That's fine - for her. But this is your life, your marriage, and you get to make the decisions.

Thank you mother for her concern and say you hope she will have a good time at your wedding anyway. :-)

Hope this is helpful!

Answer 4

this isn't there wedding, it's yours! i am 23 and just got married for the second time because i too made a bad first choice.  you need to do what makes you happy..and if that means a church wedding then that is what you should have.  you got married the first time when you were young, and the second marriage was abusive and you were smart enough to get out of it...third times a charm!! as long as you are not looking for your mother or sister to help you our financially then i wouldn't listen to them.  they are probably just looking out for you but if you feel you are doing the right thing then you need to go ahead and do it.  listen to them if they think he is a bad choice for you but if its just them trying to talk you out of where you are getting married then ignore them.  congrats and good luck..hopefully this will be your last one!!

Answer 5

Hmm.. you sound like you've picked a winner this time. :)  Why shouldn't you be happy? Is she footing the bill? ( I doubt it). You sound like you've got a beautiful day planned ( I wanted Canon in D too, but my friend talked me out of it- whatever you do, do things YOUR way!). I think you should tell her as nicely as possible that you're happy, you want to have a nice, quiet wedding and you want to enjoy your day and you would appreciate it very much if she would check her sour disposition at the door. That goes for your sister as well. It's YOUR day. Enjoy it :)

Congratulations! :)

Answer 6

First of all, I think the ceremony you have planned is beautiful and personal and something you will both be able to cherish the rest of your lives together. I'm happy that you have been able to find someone you love so much.

As for how to deal with your mother, it's difficult, but just try to let it roll off your back. YOU know why it personally means so much, and that's what matters. We all want our mothers to be able to understand that, too, but it honestly isn't always possible. There will ALWAYS be someone who thinks that there is something wrong with your choices. However, this special day, this commitment is between your fiance and God more than anything else. Just remember that, smile, and revel in that love. :)

Good luck and congrats!!

Answer 7

you were doing the best you could at the time you did it.  you are giving your wedding and marriage a lot of thought.  your mom is just beng mindless and thoughtless.  really.  i mean it.  she is not thinking of how this sounds to you, she is just venting for really no reason than to hear herself talk.  it is uncharted territory for her and this is her only way to relate.  

project an attitude of generosity to her for her silliness and every time she makes a comment smile widely at her, laugh,  and say, ' it is going to be so wonderful and i feel so lucky that you are here to share this day with me.  and not only that, but we are going to take lots of pictures of you!!!!"  dont tell her it hurts you, ect.  just repeat the above, as needed. over and over.  your attitude will instruct her in how to react to your plans.  she will quickly follow your lead.  really.  i mean it.  

you sound like such a darling lady, and your plans are lovely.  

your mom comes from a time when people didnt do this. you and i both know this.  my mom did the same two years ago when i rebuilt my house, she kept responding to my tales of living in the back bedroom and waiting a year for a certain granite to arrive from brazil  with, " thats ridiculous!"  as soon as i realized she was just responding from her own background and it was not a value judgement of me, i could laugh about it.    i never ever called her on it, i just realized she couldnt relate!  haha.  

Answer 8

What you are describing is a very tasteful way to handle a second or third marriage...just ignore Mom and go ahead with your plans...they sound lovely...good luck.

Answer 9

This will be both our 2 marraiges.  We both got married young, we are both now 27 and 31.  We both had a small ceremony before and we want ours to be very special with our family and friends.  Our upside in that our families weren't at our weddings!  

Don't feel bad.  My stupid sister asked me if I was going to the court house.  I was like get over yourself!!

Answer 10

You are doing it quite low-key. Is she saying that the wedding ceremony itself shouldn't be anything more than JoP? It sounds as if you're being quite traditional in terms of "I've been married before, so this is how I'll do my wedding".

However, you seem to be well aware that you're being reasonable. My suggestion would be to not involve your immediate family beyond giving them their invitations. I know it hurts, but sometimes you just have to set your limits and accept that your family is behaving inappropriately.

Answer 11

Your previous marriages have nothing to do with the love you share for your fiance.  This wedding should be as special as your first!  Your mother will see this eventually... congratulations to you both!

Answer 12

"Why are you going to so much trouble? You know this is your third marriage!"

Yes I realize it's my third marriage. "Joe"and I want it to be meaningful because it's also my last

Answer 13

She has a right to her own opinion but if you're paying for it, it's your choice. The best thing you can do is tell her, "I know how you feel and I simply don't agree. I'd like for you to be there for us - it won't be the same without you - but this is what I truly want." Good luck.

Answer 14

its your day, and i think it sounds really beautiful.. so dont let what they say get to u and congrats on finding mr. right

Answer 15

I would tell your mom to back off, and that this is what YOU TWO want to do for YOUR WEDDING. If you both are paying for your wedding, and it sounds like you have done a lot of prep work, and are taking this VERY SERIOUSLY this time around, then DO WHAT YOU WANT.

Good luck and Congratulations!