My mother is sick and I recently got engaged, and I can't decide when to have the wedding.?

Question

My fiancee and I recently got engaged. My parents are divorced, but still get along relatively well. Both seem to approve of my fiancee but would like me to hold off on getting married until I am done school. I am not yet done my undergrad (with only a year left), but have become my mother's primary caregiver as she is dying of cancer. It does not seem possible that I will be done school until after my mom passes away.

When people ask about the date of the wedding we tell them it is undecided as I have to finish school first. Many people are shocked, and think we should get married sooner so that my mom can be there. Many people have mentioned that I will greatly regret the decision to wait, since my mom wont be there (my fiancee included). I'm worried that it will be too rushed and we wont be able to enjoy it considering the circumstance. There are so many emotions right now that I worry a wedding will be an added stress and not enjoyable Am I making a big mistake by waiting?

Answer 1

First let me say that I'm so sorry to hear about your mother.  This cannot be an easy time for you with the stress of  your mom being so sick, your last year of school, being engaged and being her primary caregiver.  The stress you're under must be staggering.  You're obviously a strong woman.

I have 2 possibilities to offer.  The first one is that you and your fiancee plan a small intimate wedding so you can have your mom there and plan to have a larger more elaborate blessing of your marriage after you've graduated.  The people who know and love you and your family will understand your desire to have your mom there and if they're truly friends they'll support this choice.

The second suggestion is that you start planning everything right now and let your mom be involved in every step so you know that if the worst happens before you can marry she'll have approved and you'll know that she could picture it all before she passes.

With all of the stress you're under please remember to take care of yourself.  If you aren't already then please consider counseling or a grief support group.  You need people who are or have recently experienced what you're facing.

God bless you, your situation and what ever choice you make.

Answer 2

If you want to wait to marry your fiance because you are still having doubts, then wait obviously. I'm sure your mum does not want you to go through the pain of a divorce in a few years time if its the wrong decision. However if your decision to wait for the wedding is purely because of the stress...well I would reconsider it. Your mother is dying, and I think you would greatly regret not having her presence at the wedding. Weddings do not have to be stressful. They don't have to cost $20,000 each either. You can just have a simple, backyard wedding - less stress and your mother can be there.

I would never recommend giving up your study - but if you have the option to defer it for a year whilst you care with your mother, maybe that is another option to consider. Getting married and uni at the same time are possible - I am doing it now myself. And I just know for a fact, that I would feel so much guilt and regret if my mother couldnt attend my wedding, all because I delayed it because I was stressed. I think your heart is in the right place, but I don't think you are thinking too far ahead into the future. I honestly think you WILL regret your decision, because having your mother by yourside on your wedding day is a precious gift. Also remember - your mother has probably been looking forward to this day ever since you were a kid. Have you talked to her? I am sure one of the biggest things she wants to accomplish in life before she passes away is to watch her little girl get married.

You have 2 choices - to delay your wedding (and have less stress) but not have your mum by your side.....or have the wedding sooner, have your mother by your side, but have higher stress levels (although I think this is all relative - weddings do not have to be stressful - it is what you make of it).

Goodluck, it is a very hard decision, but my personal opinion is that you will absolutely regret delaying your wedding, all because of stress. You say you don't think you'll be able to enjoy it with all the stress - but personally, I couldnt possibly imagine anything worse than not having my mum by my side on my wedding day, no matter what my stress levels are like. I would choose stress over that option, any day.

Answer 3

no dear.. i can understnd wat u'r going thru..!

tell ur fiancee to visit ur mom if possble atleast twice a week...

complete ur school n thn go for ur wedding..

think abt ur future as well..

all the best.. tc..!!

Answer 4

I would have to agree with you on this one.  A wedding would be an added stress on you!  Do not let anyone pressure you into marriage period!  Focus on what is important right now.  That, begins with you...your life...your future.  Parents do want the best for their children and that includes happiness.  Being honest with self is also of importance.  Parents do want their children to succeed, and to beleive in themselves enough to pursue rewarding careers, which will enhance stability, financially, and self-esteem as well as self-respect.  Most parents are happy to witness their children's growth as they mature.  Within that maturity they respect their children's decisions knowing they have accepted the responsibility of

accepting consequence to all those decisions.  Therefore once getting into relationships they beleive their chosen mate will be of one who will continually inspire them towards acheiving their "dream" career...and visa versa.  Those who share toward such goals together bring a wonderful sense of happiness to themselves as well as their parents.  That is why joy is overwhelming on both sides come graduation day.  It is a wonderful celebration indeed!    All of this you may already know of course...or may have forgotten, but giving it just as food for thought...so to speak.  That all said, and perhaps a long note, focus on your happiness, and the wonderful moments you can now share with your mom.  Stay strong...focus on your vision toward your future.  Share your dreams, for she will want to hear your courage and strength as you aim for the stars and dare to dream.  Lean on your father for strength to help you cope through your stress, for only you know what that feels like.  If all seems overwhelming, consider couselling for yourself and accept help through a professional therapist/sychiatrist if need be.  A wedding can always be planned but it does not have to be rushed for any reason.  It is a very special day for you and your future husband and should be a day of happiness.  True love does not fade...it will wait until you are ready.  I hope that helps some, wishing you strength and courage.  Thanks for asking.

Answer 5

First let me say congratulations.  

Now on with the rest of the answer.  I recently got engaged too and my mother is deceased, she died a little under 2 years ago.  I wish my mom was alive to see my wedding.  If I was you I would consider maybe a small mini wedding and then later on having the reception.  If I was in your shoes that is what I would do.  I would do anything to have my mom at my wedding.. you still have the chance, don't take it for granted.  People will understand if you have something small then a party later on.

Answer 6

First of all let me start off by saying I am sorry and I know what you are going through. When my husband and I were engaged his mother was healthy, but about three months before we were had gotten married her health had gotten worse and she passed before our wedding date. Unfortunately, we had gotten married after his mom had passed and although he and I love each other and getting married was the best thing I have ever done, I still regret us not getting married while she was alive.  

Is there any way possible that you could have two ceremonies? Maybe have a small ceremony with your fiancee's mother present and a witness to sign the marriage license then have a bigger wedding later on. If you are religious you can ask your pastor to perform it. My husband and I were going to do it, but by the time we had things set up his mom had died the night before.

At first my family wanted me to get my degree before we had gotten married, but then my husband had taken it upon himself to call my parents and told them that no matter what it took I was going to finish my schooling (even if it meant him having to take a second job). I am not sure if this would work with your family, but it certainly worth a try.

Answer 7

I am so sorry about your mother, that's rough having to deal with her illness at what should be a very happy time for you.

I would think this one over long and hard.  For most brides, having her mother there is a biggie.  I know for me, had my mom not been at my wedding, it would've left a huge hole in my heart.  Oh, it still would've been a fantastic day, but there would've been something missing.  However, if she can't be there, then you'll still get married, and she'll be there in spirit.

If it were me in your shoes, I would probably put my studies on hold, and go ahead and plan the wedding, and try to have it before your mother gets too ill to really enjoy it.  I planned my wedding in 4 1/2 months, so it is very doable.  You can finish up your studies after you're married--but it does appear that you have a brief window of opportunity to have your mother with you on your wedding day.  If it were me, I'd take advantage of that opportunity.  But, I'm not you, and no one can tell you what to do.  

I understand completely where your parents are coming from, I have a daughter in college, and have told her time and time again I really want her to finish her undergrad degree before settling down with a man.  Sometimes though, life doesn't work out neat and pretty the way we plan it.  We fall in love, people get sick, and people die.  It rarely happens according to anyone's plan, except for God's plan.  

I wish you and your family all the best, and my prayers are with you and your mother during this trial.  God bless you both!

Answer 8

I think you should do it so your mom can be there,she would be so happy to see her daughter get married.Give her that(maybe last) Big joy.For her nothing could top it.

                           Debbie O

Answer 9

I would ask your mother how she feels about when you should have the wedding. If she wants to attend, then have it as soon as you can. If she says go with what you feel...I would say have a simple ceremony later when you are done with school and ask that everyone take a few moments to give a silent prayer for your mom. They say when a person close to you passes that they are still at those big events in spirit. Tell your mom you love her every single day.

Answer 10

I'd ask your mom what she thinks is best. Since it sounds like they want you to finish school first, you might have your answer. And it will be easier on you to finish before getting married.

However, you might mention to your mother that it is important to you and your fiance that she is at your wedding, and are worried about waiting. Get her reaction and you will have your answer.

Answer 11

Your fiance is right.... if your mother does pass before the wedding, you will always regret that she wasn't there to see her daughter walk down the aisle.  Have the wedding as soon as possible.  Sure you may not have all the details you alwasy dreamed of... but you'll have your mother... what could possibly be better than that?  

God bless you.

Answer 12

Having your mum at your wedding is 10X more important than getting some piece of silly paper. I would def have the wedding sooner and then be able to have your mum there. Its sad you think a silly piece of paper is more important than ensuring your own mum is still with you for your wedding.

Answer 13

This is a really tough situation.  If the only reason you're holding off is because you want to finish school first, that seems kind of silly.  You'll still be able to finish school after you're married.

My next door neighbor recently got married.  She rushed the wedding to make sure that her dad would be able to be there before he passed from pancreatic cancer.  I know that he really loved being able to see his friends and family all together, and see his daughter be happy.

Personally, I would have the wedding.  But it's your life, and your situation.  But I would have a big engagement party or something, just to give your mom the chance to see everyone together and happy.

Good Luck with everything, and know that your mom loves you no matter what you decide to do with your wedding!

Answer 14

You will have o decide what is more important to you.

It seems to me that your studies are more important than getting married, which is fine, but consider the pressing circumstances that you have.

Perhaps you want a grandiose wedding and doing something quickly will not allow you to be princess for one day... so that makes me wonder... perhaps your heart is not in the right place. I really apologize for my honest to the bone comments. I know that this must be very hard for you.

I'm sorry about your situation and I really sympathize. Please understand something: your mom will leave earth and she doesn't wan't to feel like an inconvinience to you and your plans.

I will leave you with one thought:

"We spend a great amount of time planning our life, and then, life happens".

Do whatever you want, but remember that you only have one chance to make things right.

Good luck

Answer 15

I think a wedding is about the people you share it with and the happiness and excitement surrounding you, not how much planning you put into it. I think sacrificing your mother's presence at your wedding for the sake of having a something not rushed later will certainly be something you could easily regret.

I think you should just try to picture your wedding with your mother there and then picture it without her, and see how you feel about it. You can always have a renewal of vows later and have a bigger party by then....