My mother is smothering me after the death of my only sibling

Question

I am a 39yr old with children of my own. I love my mom dearly BUT, my sister was killed about 3 months ago and since then she calls every day like 20 times a day? She comes over daily? If I don't answer my phone she comes over? I know I sound ungrateful and all BUT, I need my space and time to greave too...Shes not the type who could take me just telling her eaither? HELP

Answer 1

I really think you should suggest your mother gets some counseling. I sympathize with both of you very much. SOunds like your mom also needs something to do. Is there some kind of activity you could suggest to her? Like bingo on certain nights, or maybe a part time job at her favorite store? Something to distract her from feeling sad and needy all the time. That with counseling I think is the way to go here. As for you, hang in there, I know this must be overwhelming. Just direct your mother in other directions that way she doesn't feel rejected. Take care and God bless.

Answer 2

she's doing this because she loves you and she's lonely and sad. tell her straight up that you need your space but you'll call at least once a day. as she gets used to the situation you can call less and have your space and soon it will all be back to normal. im really sorry about what happened though :(

Answer 3

Yeah, I've got one of those too.  Mine will call if I haven't talked to her in a few days or a week and leave me messages sounding like she's ill and ask if I'm alright and if I'mmad at her. She just wanted to hear my bvoice.  She loves me and is so worried. .........  Aren't they cute.  I know youlove her and I canunderstand your frustration.  The mother I am talking about is my grandmother but she raised me.  My mom, and aunts are more like sisters to me.  I love them.  One aunt died from a car accident but it has been years now.  And there really is no way of changing it.  Like you said just telling her won't work.  Mine is very very stubborn although very sweet.  She just needs that.  The only thing I could suggest is answer the phone butkeep it quick and simple.  Explain you will be here doing this or out doing that.  And give her time frames.  Say wellI have this meeting tomorrow so I won't be in the morning.  Or I really want to finish this book can I call you back tomorrow afternoon.  Although it has been a while in my situtation, I do remember just putting a little more  space each time I talked to her.  Now like I said I can get away with a week before the phone call.  She does need you and I know you are doing your best.   Try kind words that just add distance adn do this like your inching her out so it doesn't appear to be obvious or hateful.  Just building time.  Oh! and make a plan to take her to either the gravesite or to lunch once a month.  First monday or last sunday ea month as a ritual for a little while to let you both reminise over your sister and all that you love about her.  Keep her close.  Those little outings where you are thinking and sharing make it feel less like she's gone and will help you both with your grief. At least in time it will.  I am truly sorry for your loss and I wish you luck.  God Bless!

Answer 4

Get her into grief counseling ASAP.  If you don't think she'll go for herself or by herself then either offer to go with her or let her think it's you who needs to go and you need her support you by going with you.  You mom needs to find healthy ways to express her grief and smothering you isn't the way to do it.

I'm sorry for the loss of your sister and I hope you can get your mom the help she needs.

Answer 5

sorry but there is nothing wrong with that...life is to short let her come when ever she wants you never know what will happen  

Answer 6

Sit down and talk with her. She might be really sad and just needs to be with the closest female to your sister. And thats you. She must feel like she needs you. Talk to her and tell her you need time to grieve alone and you can still come over just not as much. Maybe if your mom has a husband (your dad) or whoever she can talk to them. But if she is home alone I can imagine her being scared. She might also feel like since your her last child she wants to be with you at all times because she might be scared that you might get in an accident and die or have a medical problem or something like that. So I'd sit down with her and talk it all out. Hope that helps and I'm sorry about your sister.

Answer 7

I think you should spend some time with her at this trying time that will help you to bond too.

Answer 8

The best counseling that your mother could get is from you.

When we lose our loved ones, then it is the memory with that person which makes us sad.

The time is a natural healer. It heals everything...yes everything.

To cut the process short, recommend your mother to go for a vacation with her friends or even with you.

The memory of that vacation will be the recent one, it wont totally delete the memory of her dead daughther but will suppress it slowly. With time, and with more of such fresh and beautiful memory, she will  one day be happy again.

life goes on...

Answer 9

First and foremost, my heart goes out to you and your family, it is incredibly hard to go through and adjust to life without your sibling.

When we lost my brother, my family went topsy turvy in all directions.  I feel that my mom still smothers all of us a little because of it (it has been 8 years).  Maybe you could suggest her going to a group that specializes in losing loved ones (My mom attends a group called The Compassionate Friend, which specializes in Parents that have lost children. And they also helps siblings.)  I will tell you that when I attended the meetings and conferences, it helped me deal immensely with how I felt about losing him.  It also allowed me to talk to my mom about how she has changed and how much this change affected me.  I think the best thing for your mom and even for you is to reach out to support groups that will allow you to talk (or even listen) to help you adjust.  

Feel free to email me if you want someone to "talk" to, I know its hard to go through.  [e-mail]