My mum is adopted.....?

Question

And although shes 48 she still has a hard time with it (she only found out at 35)

She has one brother( not blood) and never had a problem til she found out , shes really close with both her parents ( my grandparents) but yesterday she was all upset saying no one loves her, or accepts er fr who she is. I do andI have 2 brothers that ove her more than anything but she feels so inferior because of this adoption, I say to her, atleast they picked you out and wanted you to love, they chose you etc.

she did hve a very nice upbringing but it gets her so down that shes adopted.

Does this ever go away?

If not then why do people think adoption is so great if the sad people that come out of it never recover from being abandoned.

my mum is a really strong woman but I can tell this just kills her

any advice?

Answer 1

Make her a card and get her flowers and breakfast in bed try to make her forget about it not tell her it is ok that will just remind her of it.

Answer 2

Hi Chez,

I'm sure you have the best of intentions in cheering up your mum.  Something that many people do not realize is that finding out you are a LDA (late discovery adoptee) is an extremely traumatic event.  Life will never seem the same after that because basically, your entire reality has changed.  

Trust me, comments such as "at least they picked you out and wanted you to love" regardless of how well-meaning, are not going to be perceived as helpful.  The nicest upbringing in the world does not take away the fact that adoption represents a huge loss to the adoptee.  Compound that by the shock of discovering late that everything you thought was true is a lie.  It can affect your ability to trust others if you cannot even trust the people you thought were your own parents.  See, children who learn of their adoptions early, at least have their entire lives to process that information & try to make sense of it.  

Considering the way adoption works, the "chosen stories" are not even true.  Adoptive parents only choose to become parents through adoption.  They do not pick out specific children to adopt.  If your mum is 48, she was most likely from the closed records BSE (baby scoop era) and your grandparents got the next baby on the list.  Speaking of your grandparents, they may love your mum, but they did her a huge disservice by hiding the facts of her adoption from her for most of her life.  Keeping adoption a secret speaks more about the adoptive parents' own needs than meeting the needs of an adopted child.  It is not a kind thing to do to an adoptee.

My advice is for your mother to connect with others who understand what she is going through.  Give her these links posted below under my sources.  Keep being loving towards her.  Acknowledge her losses.  Grieve with her.  That is better than trying to deny the pain exists.  Hope this helps, & I wish all of you the best of luck.

julie j

reunited adoptee

P.S.  Not everyone thinks adoption is great, especially when there are ethical violations involved.

Answer 3

Part of it could be she found out so late in her life.  How did she find out?  I actually found out first in 2nd grade when a friend told me I was adopted (my oldest brother told her brother and her brother told her and she told me).  My parents told me it wasnt true.  Then, I found out in 5th grade when I was seeing a counselor (I still can't figure out why) and SHE told me! It was then that I found out that My two older brothers and my younger sister were adopted as well.  I had a hard time with it for a while, I never said anything.  Then, I had a friend who said I was found in a basket on my parents doorstep (I have great friends huh?).  I told my sister that (my sister is my half sister) and she went to my mom in tears.  So I finally got the truth out.  After I heard my parents story I finally understood how much my parents loved us.  They went through a 2 year battle to adopt my sister and me.  

She may be feeling hurt right now that it went this long and she was never told.  She may now feel like she doesnt know WHO she is.  Though, the fact that it has taken this long and she still feels this way may signal something else is going on.  You shouldnt have to be the one who does this, but maybe some counseling will help her.

Answer 4

hi chez,

im sorry to hear it, i really love all the mom all over the earth and about ur mom i really feel sad.

just inspired her that everything gonna be alright and dnt be down. coz tell her that you love her more than anything in this world

Answer 5

Are you in the UK?  If so, she is allowed to have her records opened through an intermediary service.  Searching in the UK is much easier than in the US.  Maybe finding some answers is what she needs.

Here is a site that will lead her in the right direction if she would like to search.

http://www.familyrecords.gov.uk/topics/a...

Best of luck to you.

Answer 6

shes sad because your mom feels like she dosent know herself, or where she comes fromm. maybe when she learns more about her history from her real parents then she wont feel abandoned.

Answer 7

my father has abandoned all 5 of us children not to mention that my two sister 6 and 7 are both profoundly deaf. i have grown up without my father and have nothing to do with him what so ever. it takes more than a birth mother and sperm donor father i could say to raise a child and i believe that as long as there is alot of love, support, and each of the children are love treated equally than thats what matters they are family. if your mum family didnt think there was something special about her or fell in love with her the first time they seen her then she wouldnt have been adopted into their family and raised and loved as their own child. all you can do is be there for your mum and remind her of how much love and support she has had and how much this family wants her to be a part of their life.

remember its not all about being biological parents, brothers, sisters or family. its about love and support and respect for one another thats what counts

Answer 8

maybe shes going through some hormonal changes , something like premenopause, thats why shes acting like this, suggest her talk to her doctor about the way shes feeling.

Answer 9

Well finding out after all that time is a huge shocker.....and very painful. Everything she has ever known has been a lie. While the reasons they kept this from her may have been in an attempt to help her, clearly it is a huge violation of trust. Can you imagine if everything you had ever known--everything you ever experienced was not really what you thought it was? I know her adoptive parents love her and gave her a wonderful childhood....but ultimately this late discovery makes it largely impossible for her to find and reunite with her birth family....it makes it largely impossible to learn about her first moments....everything she has experienced has been as a biological child...she was literally their daughter in every way....then suddenly she wasn't....at 35!!

Regardless, you need to be supportive and allow her to greive. I can imagine that it is much like a death of self....a death of everything you believed to be real and true. Not to say that they didn't adore her...just that she wasn't given the opportunity to know her true, complete self. These days, most adoptive parents are taught/believe that telling the child early and often is the best method. Adoption is never 'great' for the child...as they have lost their first parents....however, adoption in many cases is the best thing for the child if it means taking a child out of a dangerous/destructive home. While my adoptive son gives me great joy....it will always be tinged with sadness over his future feelings about his first parents, why they couldn't be there for him and why they couldn't straighten out their lives for him. You simply love your mom, give her your shoulder, remind her just how much you love her, and accept that she needs to 'find herself' now that she knows her true self....and that that takes time, energy, and a lot of heartache. She knows that you love her and that her parents love her....she just feels lost/hurt/confused/sad over her new identity....over what was lost.

Answer 10

Sorry tht she feels tht way n i can feel d way u feel abt she saying no one loves her. well, its hard for anyone to such news xcept being told at young age.

Try talking to her about it. Let her talk to ur grandparents n let them get things right. surely ur grandparents loves her alot n its nothing wrong saying it out loud to ur mom to ease her uneasy feelings.

anyway, thts all tht i can think of. but i do hope things get better for u n ur mom.

good day.