My mums making me feel guilty-what do I do?

Question

I'll try and keep this as brief as possible-my mum had mental health problems a while ago and slipped out of work and has since become very dependant on my older sister. She's made no attempt to rebuild her life despite having support from me to do this-I've helped her get part time jobs and she quits after a few days. All she does is looks around shops in different towns all the time.

The problem is now both my sister and brother are moving away, leaving me being the only one in the same city as my mum. She wants me to move in with her but I dont want to. I'm 22 and need my independance, aside from this she abused me as a child and I now suffer from depression ,so although I'm happy to see her be with her, being with her is draining on my own mental health.

I've found a really nice cheap studio flat and really want to take it and move on from living in a shared house. Problem is my mum's making me feel guilty for not living with her, saying Im selfish for paying a strangers mortage not my families, its in a bad area etc (its not).

I know it shouldnt bother me but just makes the whole thing feel tainted and makes me feel sick to think about it when I should be happy about my own place. Also, feel like if I take the flat and have problems I cant go to my family for help. Dont know what to do as if I dont pay the admin fee tomorrow I'll prolly lose out on the flat.

In a way its ironic-if I take the flat I'll be rooted here and will see her lots. But the way shes acting makes me think I cant handle the intensity of living near her and being her focus and maybe I should consider leaving.

Thanks if you've read all this and in advance for answering!

Answer 1

There is only one answer..........

Kung-Fu.

Answer 2

  Its all up to you, Only you can make this decision. Do you want the rest of your life to be dictated to you, or do you want to make your own decisions.  I believe you should just tell Mom that you love her, but you need your own space,and you've  made your decision, and that's  it, I'm moving to my own place, and I don't want to hear anymore about it. If she starts, Tell her to call her other children and see why they moved and why she didn't  give them a hard time. Time to stand up for yourself..............

Answer 3

Hun you are old enough to make any decisions based on whatever you want, u shouldn't let other ppl influence u into making a decision that u will later regret, i think you should go w/ur heart on this, do what YOU want and not what your family wants you to do.GL!

Answer 4

OK, here goes.  You stated that your Mom had mental health problems and was out of work  Depending on the nature of her mental health problem she could very well be mentally disabled to perform the required work as effectively as someone with the same issues.  Have any of you accompanied her to any mental health or physical appointments and really know EXACTLY where she stands?  You're only 22 years old and therefore that indicates that your knowledge in this area woudl be limited, but I do understand your desire for your independence.  I also believe that your reluctance to help your Mom during this time stems from the abuse you say you endured during your childhood.  You probably feel the need to get away and start your own life.  (You did not elaborate on the abuse, therefore it's really hard to address that issue).  Is is possible for you and your siblings to come together in a financial sense to get her grounded?  I get the impression that you still love your Mom, but just want to get away from her.  If she ends up homeless, would you be able to handle that emotionally?  What if she has no food?  You can move, sure, but will you have peace of mind knowing that your Mom is not capable of caring for herself.  I'm not trying to put you on a guilt trip, but I'm just trying to help you understand some issues you may have to cope with emotionally if you decide to move out.  I really do wish you the best with this, especially since you are so young.  

Answer 5

beats me

Answer 6

move into your new home, see your mum once a week maybe in town for a coffee let her get used to you being capable of being independent, do not go home.

Answer 7

let her know that you live in the same city.

and honestly, she should have made an attempt to get back on her feet.

if you want you can help her get out of the dust.. but don't move back in if that is what you really don't want to do.

Answer 8

What is her mental problem? If she needs a counselor or a care taker and you can not handel it you should check with her doctor and see if there is a program for her, maybe a live in care giver or some one to come by to check on her when you can't. If you really can not handel her just tell her you will be by to check on her. Try talking to a counselor for advice for your health and hers. Good luck.

Answer 9

don't let her problems and misconceptions bother you. you need to think about yourself. this is your life, not hers, she should be proud of how independent you've become but if she's dependent on her kids, that's her problem, not yours.

don't let others live your life for you. ask yourself this - will you be happier on your own or with your mom? which will give you peace of mind?

for your peace of mind and for hers, you can always visit her as often as you can, do errands for her, have dinner or meals with her. she is after all, your mom no matter what she did in the past, she will forever be your mom. make her feel appreciated and loved even though you don't want to live with her.

this is your life, after all. so it should be your own decision so that one day, when you look back, you won't have any regrets or maybe you will, but at least you did what you really wanted to do.

Answer 10

there are a few questions that you should consider first,

the first one if you take this apartment will she be a pest when your in it

the second one is why should you feel guilty about your independence its what we strive for

the third is what trouble can you get in to with your own home is it far enough away from her so you will get some peace when you want it,

mums some times are a pest no matter how much you love them,

the shoe on the other foot parents say that about their kids, you have nothing to loose by having your own home if it becomes to much for you move in with your mother and say your doing it for her best of both worlds

good luck and stay happy be lucky      

Answer 11

Your mother obviosuly needs your help, but needs to understand that it is not just your responsibility to look after her.

You should help as much as you can, but still retain your independence as this will provide you with a break from the responsibilities of caring which is very tough.  

Never feel guilty about how much you are doing.  Your mother may need professional help and you should maybe contact the mental health charities for advice on how to best provide care as well as maintaining your own health and wellbeing.

Good luck.

Answer 12

I can understand your problem. Its classic abuse syndrome. When it comes to dealing with the abuser (your mom) mo matter what the issue she has the ability to make you feel guilty and like you are the one at fault.

Take sometime to yourself and do what ever you need to to clear your head (I go for a drive) and try to think about what the ups and downs are to both options. For instance, living with your mom will put you back in an abusive environment, make you depressed, take away your independence and peace of mind, but it will appease your mother. Venturing out on your own will allow you to get your feet wet and set you on te path to becoming the person you want to be, allow you the freedoms of an adult life and help you recover from the abuse of your childhood but it will anger your mother.

The question I find myself thinking about right now, and I mean no offense to your mother, is why would she want you to be unhappy?

I myself went through a similar situation with my parents a few years back. It had gotten to the point that I was actually contemplating ending my life. I got lucky though, I found someone who "rescuedd me" and took me away from my parentseffectivelyy ending my panic attacks and the majority of my depression. Sometimes I still feel guilty and that I was the one to blame for everything that my parents said or done to me but I am happier now than I have ever been.

I think its really a question of how you want to spend your life. Independent or on your knees,

Answer 13

Hiya.

Wow a studio flat sounds really nice you should totally go for it.

If I was you I would explain to your Mum that your old enough to have your own house now and that you want your Independence. You could also agree with her to maybe see her once a week or every other day so you would'nt be leaving her totally on her own.

Hope this helped and good look xx :)

Answer 14

Change your phone number and move.  

Answer 15

Well I know how you fell right now this has happened to many of my friends brothers and sisters. She is probably going to be lonely without you so encourage her to get a date (etc.) and tell her you'll come over and if she used to abuse you as a kid it's okay but if she still abuses you then i would suggest calling a Doctor there are a bunch of doctors out there that may be able to help her but not right now,

Hope this helped.

Answer 16

If it were me i would move in with my mom.  She reads my answers.

But since it is you and not me take the apartment.  I would honesty move in with my mom because I love her so much.

Answer 17

I dont know..lol

Answer 18

Your mother needs to sort her own life out.  It's her responsibility to do this and no matter how much support you give her if she's not willing to change then it'll be for nothing.  You're a young woman and entitled to live your own life and be able to do things that other girls your age do.  You can't be expected to remain so close to a woman who is draining you and affecting your own mental health.  You need to take a stand now or things will never change.  Tell your mom you care about her&will visit etc but you are not going to live with her, help her find jobs or let her run your life.

Answer 19

you should really move in by yourself. if you were abused as a child. i wouldn't move in though. but if she has a mental problem then.. what if your brothers and sisters blame you for leaving her? well. its not your fault she abused you as a child. she had no right. therefore oyu have YOURS. dont let her take it away from you. in other words. dont move in with her. sorry. but i've never felt how it is to be abused.  

Answer 20

Don't worry about your mum, right now you need to listen to your heart. You and your mom need to go and talk to someone. If she has mental problems you can get people to help her and move her to a community/nursing home for people with disabilities. My uncle lives in one, they let him go about and such but he has to be back at a certain time. I'm sorry about the abuse, if that happened DO NOT go back. It's not like you live in another country.  

Answer 21

U should just move into ur new house, see your mom once a week(end) and do something funny, like shopping or other things she likes.

Answer 22

First of all IaM VERY sORRY TO HEAR THAT well you just got a little of what it might feel like if you live with her dont or you will become depressed Iam learning thru my studies at church that it's not always good to be around toxic people and family your mom sounds like toxic  and you want to persur you own goals without being pulled back sound like you are very smart just let your mom know that you are a women and right now you need to have your space she may not like that but you are older and she cant controll you unless you let her?