My need to write! very important to me,what are you thoughts and feelings?

Question

THE TEN C0MMANDMENTS

The great Ten Commandments help your life path,

To follow the rules will ensure your heart to laugh.

They are very hard to keep within the heart,

Yet they show love and kindness of which you are a part.

Rule one states: No other God before me,

For God said; "He’s within us" so why don’t we all see?

Don’t go looking through the wrong door,

To worship within will bring disappointments by the score.

Rule two states no images from earth or land,

To make images of idols the commandments have banned,

Why would you wish to worship a statue made of wood,

When all that is required, is to love your God as you should.

Rule three states; don’t take God's name in vain,

For you would be putting blasphemy to his name.

Take a step back, just think what has been said,

God is within you; live life with joy instead.

The Sabbath is the fourth rule for us to apply,

A full day of rest, not only work before we die,

It’s a day to think inwardly, find the love within your heart,

Then share it with family, keeping dreams from falling apart.

Honor thy mother and father rule five then tells us,

Quite easy, you would say, others missed the bus.

You take aim at your parents for troubles inside,

Instead look closely, yourself you should analyze.

You shall not murder, commandment six states,

Then through bad judgment a life you happen to take.

Please think again before this crime,

All the attack is on you, realization will hit in time.

Adultery rule seven single-handedly stands accusing,

Definition’s many genres, only oneself-losing.

Then we have commandment eight, thy shall not steal,

Sometimes very hard, when the kids need a meal.

So mark my words, hear them well, set them in stone,

Have faith you’ll provide, to steal never condone.

You shall not bear false witness, against a neighbor rule nine says,

Alas, we do this daily, we decide to whom, and what days.

An untruth against a neighbor, perhaps you want something now!

What we don't realize, the universe will never allow.

So here at last commandment ten, is set right down in stone,

When we think of this commandment, all we do is moan.

Do not covet thy neighbor’s wife, or property, this rule does say.

Desire, lust take over, but we pay for that too one day.

Now let’s take another look, decide what has been said,

The rules want us to find out before we are dead.

Follow the rules, look within, become our higher self,

Make our heart loving, always stay true to yourself.

Jesus showed us perfection, for us He went to the cross,

He knew that if not perfect that we'd get lost.

He took that cross and clung to it, forgiving all mankind.

So you see I beg of you, look within and don't be blind.

Answer 1

All the talent is yours Aqua, I had only a small input, but thank you. You are a very talented writer and I know how much this meant to you. It is a fabulous tribute, and I am so proud of you. As for the other poster, he was unable to voice an opinion because he was so in awe of actual talent, so he became angry and voiced obscenities instead. It is typical. Bravo to you! Thanks for sharing this magnificent piece. ♥

Answer 2

Girl You ROCK!! I love this, and Ive read it TWICE, and i will read it again and again  because that what good poetry does it makes you thirst for more.

If this is to much for someone to read, how will they manage to read a book?

Anyway, enough of that nonsense, this is a wonderful piece and i feel very privileged and honoured to have read it.

Answer 3

This is a curious poem with a desire and recipe for eartly happiness: a surprise, given the Old Testament title and subject, until the last four lines about the Passion.  Treatment here of the first five commandments is socially insightful, because you make these more abstract than they literally are; although interest wanes as the poem grinds over the specific interdictions of the last five, the entire work hews to the central and surprising theme of truth to oneself.  This is an interesting but unusual view of the Commandments.  Even the Seventh, which in your poem uniquely receives just a couplet, is about a sin you call `one-self losing.'  (This couplet is sandwiched between two quatrains in stanza number four, which has ten lines, while the others have eight.)  Your conclusion: `Follow the rules, look within, become our higher self,/Make our heart loving, always stay true to yourself' does not follow clearly from the Commandments; yet I would say your poem makes a reasonably convicing case for this interpretation.  For that-- good work.

The task you set for yourself, which is really to justify the The Commandments into what I think is a very modern form, even more optimstic about earthly life than the New Testament, is fraught with risk of confusion: for example, interweaving incompatable ideas and tones of expression in not totally harmonious ways.  I feel that not all of the expressions in this piece are fully considered, perhaps making it appear like a draft.  There are some phrases you borrow from psychatric discourses (`yourself you should analyse;' `help your life path;' `take a step back'), others that are jarringly colloquial (`Quite easy, you would say; other missed the bus'), while most transitions to new Commandments are, to me, unpleasantly jaunty (`the fourth rule for us to apply;' `then we have commandment eight...',`Honour thy mother and thy father, rule five then tells us').  (Also it is interesting and charming that you switched the traditional Biblical ordering of mother and father in this rule.)  The result is quite a bit of tonal inconsistency, which I think is part of what bothered a few other readers.

There is also some unnevenness about pronouns: sometimes you use the older and more informal pronouns (`honour thy mother and father;' `thy neighbour's wife;' `thou shalt not steal--' actually you said `thy shall,' but I think you mean what I wrote), while most of the time you are more informal, and do not quote the Commandments directly.

Overall, this was an interesting writing for me to analyse: it was definitely better as I thought about it, and about what you were trying to say.  I don't think I need to dwell on how you have made the Commandments so much more personal than the originals: it is obvious, from `God is within you,' as a illumination for `don't take God's name in vain.'  The emphasis on family, for the Sabbath, carries a similar tenor for me.  I am not sure how to make your poem's counter-reading more obvious-- since you mentioned Shelley in another question, I do wonder a little what he would have done with an idea like this.  Perhaps he would have been a bit more dramatic, and either made the list format much more obvious, with numbered headings and more parallel structure-- or far less obvious, with a lot more connective tissue.

Answer 4

I think it is a great work. I have not seen anything like this. Thank you.

Answer 5

Some think that because they have published something and can edit other writings, they are better than the people they are critizing.  Wrong - maybe more experience, but not better.  In every day life, people need reminders of something, and I see your poem as a reminder of what matters. It is too bad that people have forgotten why those "rules" were written, especially when they were written by the Creator of All.  This is what I believe.  And why critize your need to write, when people feel the need to other things, ie: skateboarding, singing, doing "rap", dancing, painting, overeating, etc.  Your writing expresses your soul and feelings.

Answer 6

I'm sorry, I've been overlooking your poetry, trying to find poetry of its kind. You have done an excellent work. With ample space you would do better to make 4 lines rather than 8. Think you meant the poetry to rhyme. If so, recheck inside and analyze. Do you mean the word says in rule 9? No time to critique more grammar. Thanks for the good writing. Keep it up. Maybe I'll see you again.

Answer 7

Hi there, this is very thorough.  I find it very useful as I sit at work and try to keep God in my mind and heart as I multi-task the every-day "Office Chores"..... KUDOS!!!  Thank you.

Answer 8

What the h**l is this?  A re-write (in very poor form and punctuation) of the Ten Commandments?  Rhetorical.

I couldn't even make it all the way through.  I don't know what you're trying to do with this, but it's a bunch of blather strung together! You have no idea about form and punctuation and grammar, it's clear.  This may be very important to you, but most will never read this long-winded something or other.