My new husband is ruining my relationship with my daughter!

Question

I have a 6 year old daughter named Ashley, and her dad beat both of us. The last straw came when he ripped his belt off in a playground and proceeded to beat her in front of a group of horrified parents and children. I left him immediately after that.

I met a wonderful man afterwards, and we married after a year. The problem is that he completely spoils Ashley--buying her gifts all the time, letting her play with his expensive laptop, never getting angry at her even if she does something totally out of line (like pushing him out of the way if she needs to get by or kicking him in the shin if he's on the phone). If I tell him "I told Ashley she wasn't allowed to x*x today because she's grounded." he'll say "Well I said she could! You need to chill and quit acting like a tyrant!"

He even made up a menu on his comp and asks her everyday to tell him what she wants to eat--she ate pizza three days in a row. It's now to the point where when we pick her up from somewhere, she'll run and hug HIM first (or if it's just me, she'll first ask where he is)

On more than one occassion, I've woken up to find she had gotten out of her bed, gotten in ours, and fallen asleep on his chest.

One day I was angry and asked if she wanted a spanking, to which she responded, "If you spank me, I'll tell Alex, and he'll scream at you and make you cry like a baby" and smirked at me.

I told my husband he had to go, and he left....Ashley refused to even look at me and would immediately leave the room when I came in, or would move to another seat if I sat next to her. One morning, I was taking a shower and looked at the mirror to see the phrase "I HATE MOM" previously written through the steam. I even tried being extra nice to her buying her a present....I found it in the trash with it still in the wrapping paper. I asked if she wanted to go to Disneyland for a week with me, and she said "Have fun. I'll be with Aunt Brenda."

Out of fear of losing my daughter, I let Alex back, and Ashley is now happy again. But what can I do about him spoiling her? She is at a point where she now asks him to do things, and obeys only him, not the other way around!

They say you can't choose your parents, but Ashley has done a good job of that!

Answer 1

I did the same thing when I was a kid....But it was my grandma.  She ended up not letting me see her for 2 years..which messed everything up, and I was so mad I never wanted to get close to her.  I realized about a year ago how much I hurt my mom..She don't admit it..but I see it when I say something about my grandma, she gets all upset..My mom really never had talked to me about the situation when I was younger, probably because I was so young.  But I think that would of helped a lot.  I probably would have been stubborn if she brought up a conversation telling me how she felt, but I probably would of realized a little bit after.  Maybe that's something you need to do.  Talk to your daughter, tell her how you feel and just tell her how much she means to you.  But that just how kids react when people spoil them, they think they are the best people in the world and they end up looking up to them...and kids really don't realize how much they hurt someone...cause I know I didn't..until I grew into a teenager which I am now...

Answer 2

Time to get some counseling and parenting lessons from a professional for both you and your hubby.  If he really loves your daughter, he will work as a team with you and not let her play the whole 'divide and conquer' game.  You're not wrong in needing to instill good discipline in her, and he's just trying to make her love him, but that won't last very long when she finally steps over the line with him and asks for something he can't or won't give her and she finally shows the true nature of a child.  You can only buy affection from a child for so long before she ends up bitter and resentful against him for something he couldn't give her.  Tell your hubby that he is jeopordizing your relationship with your daughter, and if he cared at all he would take some counseling or parenting classes, or at least read a book or two on good parenting.  Hope all ends up well.

Answer 3

First of all you are the parent, not your new husband.  He is trying too hard to win her over and not respecting your wishes.  And setting rules is not being a tyrant!  Your new husband has to have boundaries when it comes to your daughter, he has no right whatsoever to ruin what little control you have left over your daughter. Ask him to back off or leave him for someone who has better parenting skills because he has none.  Your daughter is acting out and is way too young to be smarting off at you, she is getting attention in a negative way but this can be remedied if you stand your ground and don't give in to her threats.  

Answer 4

First, its great that hes good with her and loves her. BUT, you really need to sit him down and have a good long talk about whats what in the household.its fine to spoil a child a bit, god knows mine are, but  there comes a point when there has to be discipline too, it cant be ALL fun and games and he needs to realize this. you two need to get your heads together and set out some ground rules, and present a united front with your daughter, or hes going to have her turned into an intolerable little hellion.

Answer 5

Your first mistake, was allowing her dad to beat you...never mind her!! Once, would have been too many for me....now, she is drowning in the attention, and you all would benefit from a family counselor...

Answer 6

Right now, you need to put the relationship with your daughter out of the corner of your mind.  The bottom line here is, she is your daughter, and she is six, she's not going anywhere, whether she wants to or not.  (So she can get that thought out of her head.  YOU are in charge, not her!)

The second thing you need to do is have a nice little talk with hubby.  Either he agrees to respect you, or he doesnt.  If he respects you he stays, if he doesnt--he goes  (regardless of what the six year old thinks).  By the way...YOU do not need to 'suck-up' to your daughter.  IF she hates you, she hates you, and it wont last forever, no matter what she says, if you take control of the situation now.

Back to the respect...he doesnt get to choose what he does and does not respect about you.  Its one of those pesky all or nothing deals, and...either he respects you and your parenting, or he doesnt.  That being said, if he respects you---then he needs to act like it.  You are the mom.  Its totally OK for you and hubby to talk about how you are going to treat or discipline your daughter.  Its perfectly OK for him to give his input.  But...its NOT ok, not in the least, for him to overrule you, especially when you have ALREADY made the decision.  Comments like...give her a break...relax...are disrespectful to you as a mother.  Furthermore, you have been this childs mother for six years.  YOU know best.  Not the new housemate.

This is probably a good time to say...you are likely second guessing yourself right now.  That is the whole point (even if its subconscious) of an abuser like your ex.  Their behavior and abuse is DESIGNED to make you lose your confidence, so that you CAN BE CONTROLLED.  

Guess what,...its not pretty...but its the truth...based on what you've said in your question...your daughter is quickly turning into an abuser (emotionally).  She is trying to control you.  Luckily, it isnt serious yet.  Because she is six, all children try to test their limits and determine just how much control they can or cant have over a situation.  But if you do not CHECK her now, she WILL be an emotional abuser.

The bottom line here, YOU are the Mom.  YOUR  word is LAW.  Not the six year olds, and not hubby's.  Stop trying to make your daughter LIKE you, and put your foot down.  Dont be afraid to spank her little behind when she gets an attitude with you either.  Spanking is NOT abuse.  However, if you are uncomfortable spanking, then you need to put your food down another way.  Take away her toys, take away her activities, take away the tv, take what sh** away that matters to her until she get's her six year old act together.  

Even if you are a horrible mother.  Even if you make horrible decisions.  Even if you ruin her life.  (trust me you arent, you dont, and you wont!)  YOU ARE HER MOTHER.  YOU ARE GOD!  WHAT YOU SAY GOES.  She doesnt like it?  Tough SH**!

Answer 7

you need to talk to your husband and say that while you think it's great that he and your daughter are getting on so well and that they love each other so much, there is more to being a good parent than just making yourself popular with the child.  it's up to you both to work together to produce a rounded and balanced individual.  it's a tribute to your husband's love and respect for you that he left when you asked him to over this.

you need to make it perfectly clear to both of them that you will separate them permanently if your daughter doesn't stop behaving like such a little madam.  i'm sure it's flattering to your husband to have so much love and attention from your daughter, but he has a role as a parent to fulfil, and he's currently failing to do an adequate job of it, as he is allowing your daughter to rule the roost.

separating them isn't really the answer, however.  you need to negotiate between yourself and your husband the ground rules for what is acceptable behaviour in your daughter, and then present a united front in applying them to her - it shouldn't be up to one of you to be the bad guy.

drawing up a family contract where all of you agree on what are reasonable rules, and then sign a contract to stick to them, might be a good way of doing this.  you should set out the limits of what you will and won't tolerate, and be prepared to bargain on some of the rules (e.g. you allow a little more TV time than you really want to, if it means they agree that she will obey instantly when either you or your husband say she's had enough).

you've made it quite clear to both of them that you can't live with the way things are and are prepared to break up the family to press your point.  i think they'll both see that you are serious, but will respond better if you are willing to negotiate.

it's very important, if you draw up a contract, that you agree some basic limits between yourself and your husband before you bring your daughter into the discussions.  he needs to grow up and understand that parenting is hard work, and it isn't a popularity contest; it's not just important to be in a loving and fun environment, it's important also to learn to respect other people and behave in an appropriate manner, and to eat the right foods to stay healthy etc.

talk to him about how it makes you feel when he undermines you and let him know that you sometimes feel left out by the closeness of their relationship.  if he doesn't care enough for you to try and alter his behaviour to make you happier, you should get rid of him anyway, and nevermind what your daughter might have to say about it!

don't offer your child treats and rewards for sulking.  she will only learn to behave badly whenever she wants something.

just remember that even when she says she hates you, you're still her mum, and even if she's angry and hurting, she still needs you.

Answer 8

You ARE a tyrannt!

So what if he is spoiling her. It is almost as if you don't want your daughter to be happy beceause you had a miserable marriage and probably a childhood full of spanking and restrictions.

Leave the child be!

She's been through enough with her crazy father. She has a great substitute now. Why can't you just relax and be happy?

Why does she need to be grounded or punished at all? She seems like a perfectly smart kid. Let her be a kid!

EDIT: Come on! You are so hung up on discipline and yet you let her spend the most important years of her life with an abusive father! If you relax a little (as your husband says) maybe you will be able to have a relationship with your child. She obviously feels insecure and unprotected. She needs her mother not a disciplinarian!

Also, you may also be jelaous of all the attention your husband gives to your child.

And you may be repeating all the mistakes your parents made with you with your daughter.

You do realize that kids with strict parents go off the rails more than those with the ones who used communication and reasoning!

Good luck to you and your poor little girl!

EDIT: Don't ask questions if you only want to hear what you want to hear. Why even bother asking then.

But I did hit the nerve there, didn't I!

EDIT: But how come you only react to my answer? Don't you have anything else to say to other good people out there?

Answer 9

You really need to sit down with both Ashley and Alex and lay down some ground rules about how you expect to be treated, and how you expect Ashley to behave.

I suspect that Alex has never experienced being a step parent before, and is afraid to say"no" to Ashley in case she gets angry with him. He needs to start doing this now, rather than acting like a friend, which is how he appears to be acting. Of course, ashley does NOT hate you - she's just enjoying being spoilt by her stepdad after being abused by her father for some time. She is confused and still hurting after her father's mistreatment of her, and doesn't really trust Alex yet, as she doesn't quite know if he's too good to be true. I suspect she's half expecting him to begin abusing her at any time, so is lapping up the attention, and enjoying it while it lasts!

You need to tell Alex that he needs to support you as you raise Ashley, and not work against you. Remember, he's the adult here, not the child! When your daughter needs to be disciplined for anything, he needs to support you, so that your daughter begins to realise that she cannot play you off against one another, as she seems to be doing here.

Ashley needs to remember she is only a child, and should not be allowed to disrespect you, she needs to obey either of you when you ask her to do something, or there will be consequences if she doesn't.

She also needs to spend quality time with each of you - both alone (maybe you one day, then Alex the next) so she gets used to being with both of you and learns to behave appropriately with each of you. Then she needs to spend time with both of you so she gets used to seeing you together and learns to obey both of you when you ask.

Finally, I would look for another method of disciplining her, as spanking her will only remind her of the way her father used to treat her, which will make her afraid of you. Maybe you could try time outs, or taking away her favourite toy for a short period? make sure you discuss this with Alex first, to get him on side. This will work more effectively than threats of spankings, which to her will sound like beatings - she'll be less likely to do as you ask if she thinks she 'll be beaten into submission!