My now finished poem. What do you think?

Question

I previously posted my unfinished poem. I've know finished it and this is it. If you feel it doesn't flow well please include where you feel it doesn't and how you think it could be improved. Thanks

With foreign thoughts

and singing sword

the knight of old

went abroad

His ebony skin,

his ivory hair,

he rode upon

the queen of the mares

His lips did not move

not to speak a word,

a vow once taken

his voice not since heard

He traveled till

his locks where long,

he traveled not

to right a wrong

He traveled till

he'd forgotten his name,

he traveled not

for glory or fame

He traveled till

he sighed at reflections,

he traveled not

for a woman's affections

He traveled till

he was old and wise,

he'd traveled because

the free bird flies

He opened his lips

"cellar door" he cried

he'd broken his vow

and with that he died

Answer 1

oh my god. that is beautiful. amazing. thank you for letting me see the final copy. just a few things, please dont take offense. my corrections/suggestions will be in all caps, im not trying to be rude by the all caps.

"he traveled till

his locks WERE long"

and

"he traveled not

for glory NOR fame."

other than those two minor things, great job. you impressed the h**l outta me. i give it a 9. congrats and keep em coming! i would like to see more from you.

Answer 2

Some verses are much better than others - I hear some desperate rhyming in places (second verse for example)

Whereas the first verse works well because you've said things in it that are unique to you and the rhyme fits naturally.

I like the "He travelled till"- verses, because they convey the passage of time (reflections/affections - a bit contrived)

I have no idea what 'cellar door' means....but heck, a man's first utterance after a life-time of silence would be weird.

My advise - leave out, or change His ebony skin verse.

Keep writing.

Answer 3

Dont give up your day job !

Answer 4

It doesn't make sense sometimes, but it's a good poem, I like it. Here is my revised version:

With foreign thoughts

and singing sword

the knight of old

his doom ignored. (IDK?!? Abroad doesn't rhyme, it's pronounced ah-BRAWD.)

His ebony skin, (Is he supposed to have black skin and white hair? I think it's better with ivory skin and ebony hair, your choice how he looks though)

his ivory hair,

he rode upon

a queen of mares ( the queen of the mares doesn't sound so good, too long)

His lips did not move

He spoke not a word

a vow once taken

and his voice not since heard

He traveled until

his locks grew thick and long

he traveled not

to right a wrong

He traveled until

he'd forgotten his name,

he traveled not

for glory or fame

He traveled until

he sighed at reflections,

he traveled not

for a woman's affections

He traveled until

he was old and wise,

he'd traveled because

the free bird flies

He opened his lips

"cellar door" he cried

he'd broken his vow

and with that he died.

Answer 5

Forget it. Try crocodile wrestling instead.

Answer 6

u make no sense to me

and the second verse doesnt rhyme properly

Answer 7

i thought it flowed pretty dang nicely, good werk kidd!

Answer 8

i don't get it but it brings a tear to my eye

Answer 9

nice

keep writing

Answer 10

im sorry but it just doesnt grab me. try writing a poem about a war soldier.

Answer 11

Some lines have too many syllables and others too few so it doesn't flow...how about..

With foreign thoughts

and swinging sword,

the knight of old

HE went abroad.

Do the same for some of the other verses.

Verse four works well.

Answer 12

in the third stanza- it wold look good if you replace 'did not' with "didn't". your poetry is really good. make it more clear by writing about his vow.

Answer 13

Be it wrong or be it right,

It`s a load of putrid shite.

Answer 14

I really like it, well done