My parents adopted my son?

Question

and he is 4 they had his sence he was 3 months old, he is a great kid very smart and nothing wrong with him. the reason i desided to ask them to adopt my son was because i felt i wasnt ready to care for a baby i also had manic postpardom, and was diginosed with really bad bipolar disorder, so i felt caring for the baby at that time wasnt right for me, they agreed, well he is now 4 years old and is learn mom and dad my parents dont teach him that they are grandpa and grandma, so he calls them mom and dad. ive asked my parents to plz stop and to teach him they pretty much told me that i am no longer his mother and to just wait till him is older to learn that, im very depressed about this and i dont get to see him much, what should i do? or what do you think about this?

Answer 1

This is so very sad.

I'm so sorry that your parents are being so horrible about all of this.

To actually change his name like that - and to go on making out that you're not his mother - shameful.

They should have supported you to parent your child - not take him away like they have.

People can parent with a mental illness. I'm sorry that they didn't help you out and give you the support and confidence that you needed.

I have no advice - it seems like such a difficult situation.

What is best for this child - is not to be lied to - and told who his mother is. The lies will eventually catch up with your parents - and your son will resent them greatly for them.

If you wish to find other women that have lost children to adoption - on-line forums can be very helpful - a few I know of -

http://soulofadoption.com/forum/index.ph...

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/

http://origins-usa.org/

Talking to others in similar situations can really help  - I find.

To get validation for your feelings of grief can be a very powerful thing.

Also if you wish to hear other's speak of their own journeys through losing children to adoption - first mother blogs are great to read -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

I wish you all the very best.

Hopefully your parents will come to understand that what is best for this child - is to have you in his life - in the true capacity that you fill - the mother that gave birth to him.

Answer 2

i'm sorry for what you've been through. your genetic disorders are just that, genetic. chances are that one of your parents, and your child may suffer from the same thing. somehow you've been labeled the "problem".

all i can say is that you need to educate your parents on the harm this could have to your son. get a counselor involved. this will come as a tremendous blow to your son when he finds out. it is these situations in particular, where the child learns the truth that i have seen the most dire consequences. a counselor needs to be involved. what is going on his so mentally unhealthy and disturbing, that i hate to see how this is going to effect the child when he finds out. there's nothing wrong with the truth.

it sounds like you're the mentally stable one here. you're parents are creating a time bomb. literally. please seek counseling.

he has been adopted, but to lie about who you are and the whole situation is just absurd.

bet wishes.

Answer 3

well u gave up your rights when u signed the adoption papers so the only thing u can do is try to get him back or wait til he is order to talk to him and let him know

Answer 4

You gave him up for adoption for some very good reasons. Please let your parents give him the nice normal childhood he deserves without your drama over whoes the mama.

If you create a fuss and try to force your presence as his birth mother you might force your parents to get a restraining order.  That boy is their son legally and emotionally, let it be and continue to seek your own healthly solutions.

Good luck I'm sure this isnt easy for you

Answer 5

be his big sister. love him, care for him and allow your parents to continue raising him as they see fit. you said it yourself they could do a better job than you, now let them. Find peace in the fact that you can see your baby everyday and that you made a very hard decision to allow him a better life. If you tell him now it could confuse him and leave him w/ anxiety that a 4 yr old just does not need to have. My advice to you would be to love your baby brother and allow him to be a child w/ no worries and no drama.

best wishes

Answer 6

I don't agree that they should have said, you are no longer his mother!  That sounds so harsh.  You made the right decision for you.  Unfortunately, we all have to live with our decisions.  I would strongly suggest going to see a psychologist with your parents, or going through the adoption agency (they see you for free), to determine what to do in this situation.  No one here can tell you how to feel or what to do.  I will tell you that you are more than welcome to email me anytime if you wanna talk.  I am a birthmom myself and can just be a friend.  That is what is sounds like you need.  Not people on here telling you what to feel.  You know how you feel.  You just need to communicate it to your parents without you or them feeling bad.  This is all about your son.  

my email is [e-mail].

Take Care.

Answer 7

It has been 4 years, and you are just now trying to change this?

In his eyes, THEY are his parents. THEY raised him and took care of him. That is what adoption is.

Answer 8

Kudos to you for making the right decision. A lot of young women in this situation would not have the courage to do what you did, for that, you are a great mother. BUT I have to side with your parents.

I understand that you are hurt by the way your parents are handling this situation, but the fact of the matter is that you signed your custodial rights away when he was 3 months old. I think in time, you and your parents should explain the situation to the child, but not now. He would be too confused and it may halt his development. He can not possibly understand the relationships at 4 years old. He may spend the majority of this cognitive growth stage of his life trying to put all the pieces together. This time should be spent playing, learning how to read, singing songs, and preparing for elementary school, not trying to figure out where you belong in your family. Your parents are doing what's best for him. If YOU want what's best for this child, you will back off and be the best big sister you can be.

Good Luck!

Answer 9

Well, your the one who adopted him out. Until your son is eighteen they really do not have to tell him at all. I think that since they have had him since he was three months old they are the parents he knows. He does not know that you had anything to do with him coming into this world. Let them parent him they way they are doing. I think you need to back off a little bit of wanting them to introduce you and have him know that you are his birthmom. He is only four years old. He probably will not understand if this was told to him. I know it is hard but you put him up for adoption so you do indeed need to wait.

Answer 10

I really think your parents should reconsider telling him who you are.  Children need to know these things from the beginning it helps them to understand their own reality.

I am really not trying to frighten you with this information but perhaps it would be helpful to share with your parents the experiences of other people who were adopted by their grandparents and led to believe they were there parents only to discover the truth when they were older.  Ted Bundy is a particularly famous case.

Please let your parents know that they are doing this child a disservice in lying to him about who they are to him.

Answer 11

Yeah, I tend to think he's too young for them to explain this to him. Give him a little time. He calls your parents 'mom' and 'dad' because that is the normal thing for kids to call their parents, and they are his adoptive parents... so it makes things more normal for him. He deserves as normal a life as possible. He will understand exactly who you are as he gets older.

Your concerns are mainly about your feelings - that you're not being recognized as his mom, that you aren't allowed to play the role you want to play with him, that you aren't crucial in his life. These are your needs, not his. Being a good mom means putting your child's needs before your own (which is what you did when you decided to let them adopt him). Remember that he needs to be calm and stable in childhood. Focus on that, and you'll see why it's important to wait and not force this understanding on him before he's old enough to understand.

Answer 12

You should have every right to be a part of that childs life and your parents need to exit the twilght zone and wake up to realize they are OLD and they are GRANDPARENTS! You did what was right at the time and they should thank god everyday that you choose them! How selfish can people be! And we wonder why so many people choose abortion! Holy c**p! I am so sorry for you, I will pray for God to help you get through this and someone make this right! Good Luck to you!

Answer 13

take no notice of all the negatives you are getting here!!

your illness is nothing to be shund!

you made the right decision for you and your baby at the time . unfortunately once you signed the adoption papers you gave up all your rights as his mom.

personally i think although painfull you should try not to intefere in what your parents decide in the best interests of your son .  he will in time know you as his "mom" but right now he doesnt need confusing as to who is who .he is living with your parents so he will know them as mom and dad .. its just a pity that you didnt get the support you needed when you had him to enable you to care for him yourself!!

have you considered trying to get him back?

Answer 14

They adopted him so they are his parents now. You could have had them just become his guardians and then they would have had him call them Grandpa and Grandma. But they adopted him so they are legally his mother and father. They also were free to rename him whatever they please.  Of course I find it odd that renaming happens in a kinship adoption.

As far as them telling him about you that you are his biomother or tummy mommy, I really see no problem with that. Why your parents haven’t brought it up who knows. Does he at least know he is adopted?  I’m sorry to say but you aren’t his mother, it takes more then giving birth to be someone’s mother. Your parents I assume have been taking care of him since he was 3months old, your mother is the one that has tucked him in bed, stayed up with him when he was sick, done all those things that a mother does. Due to your condition you felt you could not do that for him. That’s fine but you have to deal with your decision that you made thus allowing your parents to adopt him. At least you get to see him sometimes even if it’s not often, that is more then some birthmothers get.

Answer 15

you gave up your son for adoption. it doesnt matter who got him. You have NO say in how they raise him

Answer 16

It is obvious that since you have asked for advice that you do truely love your son. Because you love your son you need to allow him to have a happy childhood. I am sympethetic to your feelings but remember that this is a baby. A baby who hasn't had a choice. You chose for him when giving him to your parents and you need to hold true to that choice for Anthony's sake. I understand your parents have upset you by all their choices in raising your son but remember...you gave them those rights. Because you have had extensive mental problems...your son at one point or another will probley face mental problems. Don't you want to spare him some of that?? When he is old enough  like 18 Your mother the mother he knows needs to be the one to explain.. and when he comes to you with questions you'll be able to tell him you did it because you love him. Maybe now would be a good time to start keeping a diary to chronicle your feelings. And when Anthony comes to you you'll be able to share that diary with him. But turning Anthony's life upside down to settle the score with your parents is wrong. Please continue to put Anthony first in your life...And although diffcult be the better person and mend your relationship with your parents. I understand they were probley wrong so many times and put the blame on you.Let it go and become a family again.

Answer 17

My heart goes out to ya'. If you are ready to take this on it may be a fight. If you have taken time to get yourself straight first, you made a good choice, but it has backfired. I am sorry to hear that your folks have taken on this way with you and your son, too. it will depend on you and where you are at and where you wnat to be. You must get that icture of yourself and how and where you want to be in your life in ten years and hold on to that and go for it! it is NOT going to be easy though. it already sounds like you hae a battle ahead even witht the fact that your folks are doing this.

God Bless!

Answer 18

This is so sad. I have helped my children out with their children .I'm a grandmother not stepping overboard. This child needs to be told who you are and the sooner the better. All children need to know where they came from. You child will find out about this one day and is going to be hurt that they kept this from him. And your parents are wrong if they wanted a child like that they should have adopted one that wasn't in the family. I feel for you because i think your parents just wanted another baby and took yours.

Answer 19

You really don't have a choice in this matter.  When you got your parents to  adopt your son, you signed away your rights as a parent and your mom and dad are his legal Mom and Dad.  There is nothing you can do about it.  They are not acting as foster parents.  They are adoptive parents.  It is up to them what they do.  As for changing his name they had that right when  they adopted him.  Sorry hon, he is now your brother not your son anymore.   Good luck to you and your health problems.  Don't worry they will tell him when he is old enough to understand.  Right now he would not understand what all this is about.

Answer 20

I was raised by my fathers parents. Thankfully, they never hid the truth from me though. I've always said one of the things I was most grateful for was that I never had to find out they were not my mom and dad. A kid I grew up with was also raised by his grandparents, and he wasn't told until the day his "dad" died that it wasn't really his father, but his grandfather that died. Can you imagine being 12, losing your father and on top of that finding out you're adopted, your parents are your grandparents, your siblings are your aunt and mother and your nieces and nephews are your siblings and cousins? I hope I never in my life have to see someone deal with that pain ever again. Perhaps you could tell your parents about me and my friend. Let them know that even though I knew all along that I was being raised by my grandparents and not my actual parents that I was okay and it never made me love them less. It didn't change the parent/child dynamic. It wasn't too confusing for me to understand, it was just normal. My friend on the other hand had problems ever trusting his family again, and felt deeply embarrassed and hurt that everyone knew except him. Even if your son doesn't find out at such a tragic time, it would still be painful to find out and probably cause him to lose trust in all of you for at least awhile. This is his life, he deserves to know the truth about it. The longer its put off, the more its going to hurt when he finds out. He's still young enough now to where you can start mentioning it and it'll become normal, but you should all act fast. I wouldn't make a big serious production out of it either, I would just begin to say things like oh, see that woman over there with the big belly? She's got a baby in her belly! Do you know whose belly you were in when you were a baby? You were in ______'s belly! Or look at that little boy with his mommy, I bet his mommy loves him SO much! You know how many mommys you have? Two! Thats right, your mommy ______ had you in her belly and gave birth to you (maybe pause to explain what birth is) and then mommy _______ adopted you and became your mommy! And both really love you so much. (maybe pause to explain what adopted is). He should also be told that his original name is Joel. I would tell him in the same manner. Maybe turn it on Talk Soup one night and when they say Joel McHale go oh Joel is such a nice name, did you know Joel was the name that ______ gave you when you were born? But when you got a new mommy, you got a new name too, which is Anthony. Anthony is a great name too. And if he says well, if Joel is so great then why didn't you just keep that name? Then I can't help you because obviously he's a smart kid and I think he's right.

Your son is not going to care that you are bi-polar. He's going to want to know you and love you and he'll need you to be there to answer questions and talk about his history. I would've given anything in this world if my mom had been there when I was little so I could've known her, loved her and been able to ask her things. Yes, I loved my grandparents tremendously, and I do consider them to have been my parents (they have passed on now), but the fact that they raised me did not change the fact that I still needed my mother. Do everything you can to be in his life more often. Perhaps they are scared you will tell him the truth. Maybe if you let them hear my story about me and my friend they will understand the need to tell him ASAP and then they will let you be around him more. If you or your parents want to talk to me, you can email me. My email is on my profile.

Answer 21

I think it's a little confusing because first, your parents did adopt him so in a sense it is their son now.  On the other hand if I had adopted my daughters son, I would teach him that I was grandma from the start.  I would have never of changed the name.  You were going through a lot when you had him it sounds like and you asked your parents to adopt him not strangers.  You are still there to see him still, that's good that way when he does learn the truth, he will know that you were there.  There are some parents that adopt out their kids and never look back.  Be grateful for now that you can see him and know how he is doing weather that just wonder where he is and if he has a good life.   Sorry I wasn't much help.      

Good Luck

Answer 22

Adoption can be very confusing for a child of that age...my son is 4 and we adopted him at birth. Over time they can explain things to him but it needs to be age appropriate. By age 18 he should know the whole story. My son has a picture of his birthmom in his room but he doesn't really understand who she is yet.

I think you parents need to be honest that he's adopted, explain adoption to him. He should atleast know that you are his birthmom.

I've read the other posts and I agree that you should get to see your son more...these are your parents, not strangers.

Answer 23

when you asked for them to adopt him and raise him as their own you gave up the right to be known as mom not trying to be mean but its true why should they raise him pay for his living feed ,clothe, and support him and give you the credit of being known as mom there is alot more to being a mother than just the title it takes great resposibility

Answer 24

well,they are his parents and when he gets older he will understand,when he goes to school he will be happier saying mom and dad it just makes things easier

Answer 25

He is there son now your lucky you still get to see him at all if someone else adopted him you would know nothing about his life. You can't change anything just be a good sister and some day when your parents decide he will find out.

I would not try to start anything your parents will shut you out of his life.

Answer 26

U decided to give him up for adoption of course he is going to call them mom and dad.  When he is older u can sit down with him and tell him about it.

Answer 27

Dear Hynita,

I feel for you because adoption does cause pain and suffering for both the children and for the mothers involved.

I suspect what you probably meant to happen was for your parents to have temporary GUARDIANSHIP of your son until the time you could resume your parental duties.  

Was it discussed at the time whether you intended for them to have temporary or permanent custody of your son while you were unable?  Most grandparents would just step up and help their daughter in need, without expecting to become the child's permanent parents.  I agree with you that changing his name was completely uncalled for.  Many people, perhaps yourself included, do not realize that adoption and guardianship are not the same thing.  Adoption is meant to be permanent.  It's possible you were misinformed or misled then.

I'm assuming all the court papers are finalized?  If that's the case, you unfortunately really do not have much legal recourse.  You do not mention where the child's father is in all this, and whether he was adviced of his child being legally adopted by your parents.  All I can suggest now is to stay involved in your son's life and make sure he knows how much you love him.  You should also try to find a support group for first moms.  That can really help because I do not think you will find the type of support you need at home.  When he is 18, he will legally be able to decide for himself who he wishes to have relationships with.

Finally, you asked us what our opinions are of this?  I agree with you that the child should not be deceived about who you are.  In the long run, he could end up resenting your parent's deception when he finds out the real story.  Do your parents want him to believe that they gave birth to him and that they are his biological parents?  I disagree with that.

Good luck Hynita,

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 28

Wow, what a sad story! I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I think your parents are wrong. Technically, yes, they are your son's mom and dad since they adopted him. But for him not to know who his birth mother is when you are actually a member of their family is just sad and wrong. You don't mention how old you are or if you still live with your parents -- not that either of those matter. It just makes me wonder if you have to live in the same house with the child you gave birth to and pretend EVERY DAY that you are his sister. I honestly don't know what to tell you; I just wanted to offer you some empathy and support.

Answer 29

He is only 4 and doesn't understand 1+1, much less the concept of being adopted.  He will know when he is old enough to understand.  Just be patient and don't push the issue.  Sorry about them changing his name, but it was in their right to do so.  Just be thankfull that your parents were able / willing to do this for you and that you know that your child is being taken care of instead of not knowing at all...

Answer 30

I am very sorry for your loss.

It sounds like your parents who are actually GRANDparents are the ones with mental problems and living in denial. Unfortunatly, you must play along with their games for at least 12 more years presumably just to have access to your son.

What a shame they were unable to offer you help and support to assist you with mothering your son. I think their actions sound deplorable.

I hope you can find some support with other moms of adoption loss, may you find peace on your healing journey.

Answer 31

exactly ask your perants if u can be his sister to teach him that ur his sister and that he can talk to you and that he can trust u.