Im 19. Theres a lot of history with problems in my family. Everyone always argues, theres lots of financial issues and my mom has been threating a divorce ever since i remember. my mom has childhood abuse issues making her the center of most arguments becuase of the way she acts. she wears the pants in the family and we all have to be careful what we say. Im not close to either one because we cant have a real conversation with out someone getting mad. Either i say something she gets offeneded by or she starts criticizing me, my dad cant even talk english; i think they are pretty ignorant and get frustrated and am mostly in my room. I try to go out there but things always happen and i end up back in my room.
well lately Ive felt pretty lonely and want to have a better relationship wiht them. This is hard to explain, I want to be a happy family but dont see it ever being what i wish it would be. I dont want to be near them physically, and frankly they annoy me. They let me stay there rent free while Im finishing college so im grateful for that. I think I should give them extra money becuase of their problems (btw I pay for everything i need and dont ask for money or anything) but I dont want to! I know i should, but when it comes to it i feel they dont deserve it since my dad wasnt working and getting unemployment for a year just becuase he didnt want to work. my mom got fired becuase of her attitude and is doing something else thats not making enough money. so i feel they dont deserve my money and are able to work for their own money like I am. I know all this sound like Im a horrible person but I think they are lazy! I feel they dont deserve help because they are perfectly able. I think i feel like this too because I dont have a good relationship with either of them. How can I change this? I want a happy family, I try talking to my mom but its so hard to bite my tounge all the time and not be myself. I feel like I am a great person outside of home, i go to church and am about to graduate with a BA at age 20, but at home I feel like I am a horrible person. How can i put up with them better? TAlking to them about serious things doesnt work, i tried and ended up being laughed at for talking about my feelings. I really think my mom is crazy and needs help because of her bad childhood.
How do i put blinders on and make myself feel okay with giving them money for their gas or a soda or something like that? how do i put these negative feelings aside?
i had so much more to write but i think you would get tired of reading.
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