My parents are really controlling, im almost 20 what should i do?

Question

I was out of the house for a little less then a year and i made some mistakes. (like i believe most college students do) my parents have always been riding me so when i got out of the house i went a little crazy. i drank. and i didn't do very good in school...I Hated it! i want to find success my own way and in my own time. but they are always looking over my shoulder (not in a supportive kind of way) they are always telling me how I'm failing and that I'm lazy. they act like they hate supporting me but the refuse to let me move out. i would just leave but i know that our relationship would be ruined forever. its like they want to plan every aspect of my life. also they don't really like my boyfriend that i want to marry. he is going into the national guard. he didn't come from a family like ours...barely even a family. and they judge him all of the time because he doesn't have any money. how do i get my parents off my back but keep them in my life?

Answer 1

Tell them how you feel!

Ask you boyfriend to take you and your parents out to eat and all sit down and talk!  

Answer 2

Quit drinking that self pity juice get an apartment and move out. I hear the Hustler Club has amateur night on Wednesday.

Answer 3

Your parents are gonna stay in your life no matter what you choose, it sounds like they love you. But, if you really are serious about your boyfriend, you could move in with him, if he's up for it. Your parents wont like it, but wont worry so much as if you were to move out by yourself.

Answer 4

moveout if you are not going to live under there rules...bottomline

Answer 5

get a job and move out

once they see you doing well and supporting yourself on your own, they will be ok with it, but it may take a little time for them to come around

as long as you live with them you have to follow the rules in their home

Answer 6

The first thing you need to do is find a way to support yourself, if your still in school get a part time job. Start saving as much money as you possibly can to get your own car or something like that. then find your own place to live and move out of your parents house. Once they realize your trying to support yourself they should back off and become more supportive of you.  

Answer 7

run away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 8

Your  20 get a grip.

Answer 9

I know it's hard when you feel like you are constantly being punished for mistakes you made. It isn't easy proving yourself again. You need to be patient.

At least you know WHY your parents are acting the way they are - that makes it easier for you to fix it.

You need to use some basic psychology to get them to trust you again - and you need to be patient because it will take time and you might take some steps backward before you move forward.

First identify your priorities. They should be focused on your life, as if you were living alone and did not have a significant other (boyfriend).  These can include going to college full time with an identified career goal OR work full time and go to school full time OR go to a career college and get a certificate in less than 12 months and then work full time.

You should pay rent to your parents and add money to the grocery fund. Yes you are living with them because "they refuse to let you move out", but you should help them monetarily. This ADDS to your credibility, establishes trust and shows you are trying to be responsible and not a free loader. If your paycheck is $500.00, pay them 25 -30% of your check for rent.

Ask them what THEIR expectations are for your living in their house. Do they want you to clean the living room, take out the trash? Do they want you to focus on school and just clean your room? Have a discussion with them so you are on the same page with them. This also establishes an open communication line with them, let's them know you are serious about responsibility and serious about priorities.

When you take the first step, you are in control. You decide your goals, you initiate conversation and communication with your parents, you help guide what is fair in expectations for your living there with them.

None of this sounds good, it probably sounds like something your parents would say. But take a second and really think about what I am saying. You are 20, you are telling us that you want to get married and you know you made mistakes but you want to find success. You can't expect to get supported without helping yourself along the way. That is reality, that is the truth, and you know it.

The bonus to this whole scenario is that although you feel singled out for making mistakes and they aren't forgiving you.... you can make them forgive you if you show them you are responsible, prioritize, have goals - AND REACH THOSE GOALS - observe and respect their house rules and contribute to the household.

Although this sounds tough and almost like you shouldn't have to... this is the best way to get them off your back and keep them in your life and have a great relationship with them.

This is called growing up, taking responsibility and owning your mistakes. Remember to tell them - not in a bitchy way- that everyone makes mistakes, that is how we learn. You are trying to learn from your mistakes, not be punished for them. This is my suggestion to you.

Lastly, you mentioned a boyfriend. If you are asking for opinions.. I have one!  Keep him as a boyfriend, don't marry him until your late 20's.  As you can see, you don't even know where you are going in life, what you want to do, or who you are.... don't rush into marriage. WAIT!!!  If you think you are going to marry him... or KNOW you are going to marry him... then there is no rush to do it now... you can wait 7-8 years and get to know him better, figure out who you are, establish your career, save money and buy a house or whatever you want to do.

I've been in your situation before, I know what you are going through and I know you don't want to hear anything I have just told you. I also know you sound like a very smart girl. I know that when you can separate your feelings and emotions you will take some of what I said into consideration.

So don't roll your eyes, please think about this for a few minutes.  Your parents need you to help them trust you. This is where you can make this happen all by yourself! You will be in control of re-establishing trust.....

I wish you luck!! Take care.

Answer 10

Move out.

Answer 11

explain to the how you feel, i'm sure they'll understand!

Answer 12

Your parents really love you, and with that said they will love you no matter what life choices you make.  It may take some time to heal, but you need to be your own person.  Talk to them and explain that you were not ready for college and you need to figure life out on your own and then move out, get a house or apt and start living your life.  Just before you do, really consider what your parents are telling you, because they know from experience what life is like and they only want to make sure you have a good one---a college education, a good career and a good husband.    

Answer 13

Parents are always parents and they will never stop being worried for you, no matter what you do, I guess you just need to talk to them and let them know that you are ready to face the world and ready to learn from your mistakes and experiences.

Answer 14

I would move out but call DR. LAURA might seem stupid but she really good at answering questions like this

hope that helps :)

Answer 15

you and your happiness should always come first dear.

Answer 16

I was 26

and still had to be in by midnight

and was already a mother

I had left and came back

not to be rude but try to

be mature about this

respect their rules or get out!

Answer 17

go somewhere else  

Answer 18

Maybe because they know you're irresponsible and all they want to do is just look out for you.  

Answer 19

u think thts bad read my ?  !

Answer 20

Just tell them that you could be way worse.. I feel like friggin Satan compared to you.  

Answer 21

move out and tell them that it is your life and not there's

Answer 22

You get your parents off your back by getting back on track. Get a nice job, move out, and make something of yourself. They probably won't let you move out because you don't have enough money to pay the rent and they don't want you making the same mistakes. Get a job, unless you already have one, and start making success.

good luck

=]

Answer 23

Tell them you are 20 now and they need to respect you as an adult. Move out if you want, it's your choice not theirs.

Answer 24

move out and pay you're own rent and bills

Answer 25

sound like difficult,you know, this is a 21th century, no more the old generation like them rule the world, it's time to us take it over from them the right to live freely.I know sound like bad thing, you couldn't betray your parents who gave you born.about your boyfriend, many movies,novels and dramas had been talking about this issue,i think you should follow your heart,your true love.

Answer 26

Just tell them how your more grown up now and they need too trust you more too get on with your life.

Your 20!!

MOVE OUT, its your descion, not theirs.

Answer 27

Your 20! you need to move out honey. listen when someone turns 18 there parents cant con troll what they do anymore. but u need to move out tell your parents your ready and tired of it. are u going to live with them till your 60? you need to move out BIG time.

-Hoped i helped-

Answer 28

It's the old problem of the golden rule:

He who has the gold  makes the rule.

Provide your own gold and you can make your own rules.

Answer 29

you should start being responsible and not drinking as much and they will stop all the nagging and then you can move out and can i also say you are way way to young to get married!

Answer 30

Your parent's trusted you to make responsible decisions while away at college and you violated the trust; most college students take their studies seriously. You are going to have to build that trust by your actions and words before your parents will get "off your back" and treat you with respect.

You say your 20 years old,your parent's are supporting you, no job or money  of your own and you want to get married to a person who also has no money and going in the service and you are wondering why your parents are on your back?

Get your affairs in order so you can support yourself with your own money you earn and show them that you can make a living on your own.

Answer 31

wow. that's my exact life though i'm 18 now and i started drinking from it all some time ago.

very VERY controlling.

really there is no way. i've sort of lost my care for having parents and i have no contact with the dad anymore.

mom's always telling me i'm lazy though i do VERY much to help her with the yard and house and i record weddings and code sites for money.

dad doesn't live here anymore so it's really mom anymore.

but she tells me how i'm failing all the time and that selling prints and coding and these weddings won't support me forever.. though.. i'm making very good money with it just at 18...

it's more that i'm wanted to go through life as they want me to. that they don't want me to make my own decisions that if i don't do it their way, then there is no way.

you really just have to ignore them for some time and let them know you're doing the right thing.

even if it takes years.. eventually they have to accept it.

mine havn't quite done so but i know the more i fall away from them.. the more the ease into accepting who i am and what i do. and they sort of lay off much more