My partners mother is too strict and we are both 30.?

Question

My partner is a Presbytarian.Not a practicing religious person, but he does believe.We are both 30 yrs old and we have been going out for 5 months.But I might as well say 8 as we have spent everyday with each other.His mum is a very religious person as his father.But his father isnt as strict as his mum.He does as he is told and we are not allowed to sleep with each other sexually, although we have, or we arnt allowed to stay at each others house or live with each other untill we get married.Problem is we havnt discussed marriage, or thought about that yet.We stay with each other all the time.If im not staying at his house, he is staying at mine.Sometimes I want to ask him if we want to have a go at living with each other, but because he listens to his mother he wont.It is starting to annoy me as he is a grown man and he cant do as he pleases let alone me.I really am in love with this man, but I dont know how to handle his mum and her strict ways. Not that im in any hurry to live with him, but it makes sense as we are always at each others house. I feel like a 16 year old again and dont like the feeling. He might as well live with her and not have a life because thats how it is. I have tried to discuss this with my partner but he sometimes dismisses it because he dosnt want to upset his mum. Almost like he is afraid of his mother might say. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Answer 1

Ok from what you've said you've only been together a short time even though it may seem longer in reality it's only been 5 months and your already having problems with this guy's mother.  I think the fact you are having problems with your partner so early in your realationship maybe a sign that this might not be a good match for you.

You need to ask yourself if you want to look back years from now and have lots of woundeful memories? Or do you want to look back and think about all the time you wasted on someone who made you stock up on tissues because of his "motherly issues?"

The point im trying to make is,  that the first few years with someone are supposed to be fun not supposed to be stressful and frustrating.  

Have you ever heard the saying "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk free?"  Maybe his mother know's what she's talking about?

You say your partner is a grown man and should be able to do as he pleases.... has it ever occured to you that he is doing exactly that? As he pleases?  That maybe he likes the attention he gets from his mother for not being a "good little boy"?  Doe's he constantly seek sympathy/attention from you when he doesn't get his own way or when he's fighting with his mom?  If you ask me your partner sounds like he's suffering from  "MOMMA'S BOY SYNDROME" and will never put your need's before his mother's because he's actually very lazy and doesn't want to take responsibility for his own life and it's just easier if mommy tell's him what he can and cant do!  

Answer 2

Either get with his mother's programme and obey to her wishes,  or get yourself a new partner because it doesn't sound like this guy will ever stop being a momma's boy.  Trying to persuade your partner to choose you over his mom is only going to make matters worse for you in the long run, as he may come to resent you!   Secondly have you thought what its going to be like having his mother involved in all aspects of your life??  (like all relationships) it's not always "rosey"  the second you and your partner start having relationship problems, his mom will most likely be the first person he goes crying to about you!  It's not going to be a 2way realtionship...its going to be a 3way one.  s*x obviously isn't of the Topics board with his mum either,  so dont be surprised what else she is willing to put her 2 cents worth into.  I think you lost this battle before it ever began.  Get a man who doesn't have hang up's and can't stand up for himself!!

Good luck!

Answer 3

You and your boyfriend should use his father as an intermediary between him and his mother. Ordinarily, your boyfriend should stand up to her, but when dealing with extremely religious people, this sometimes isn't an option. Such people tend to have an all or nothing approach to life. This could mean that your boyfriend's mother could not only cut off contact with him, but cut off contact between him and the entire family. Get your boyfriend to run ideas past his father. If his mother is truly a nutcase, his father is probably used to hiding things from her

Answer 4

Her home, her rules.  He should get his own place.  I don't think his mom is being unreasonable at all.

Answer 5

I had a similar experience about 6 years ago i at the time was 28 and fell madly in love with a man who was 32 that i met though a mutual friend.

Our relationship from the beginning was fun and full of love and lots of laughter. I thought i had found my soulmate we were inseperable and i thought we were mean't to be forever.

His parents were also very religious and didn't believe in pre marital s*x or living together before marriage.

I had a daughter from a previous relationship and she was at the time 6. She had a wonderful relationship with this man and i couldn't believe how lucky i was to find someone who treated my daughter as if she were his own child. He was very loving and caring to us both and i always felt so happy and fulfiled around him.

The first few months were amazing i felt so in love and so happy.  Although he talked about his parents and i had talked to his mother a couple of times on the phone i hadn't met them yet.

The day came when he asked me to go with him to his parents for the weekend which i happily agreed to do as even though i hadn't met them his mom was always friendly on the phone.

Before we left he explained to me his parents would not approve of us having a sexual relationship or the fact we stayed at each others houses and he asked me not to mention any of this. Even though i thought this to be a little strange considering he was 32 it didn't really bother me so i agreed not to tell them as i was madly in love.

I soon realised on our visit that his parents but mother especially was very demanding of my ex partner and still treated him like a child not a man. We also had to sleep in separate bedrooms on our visits to their house.

Over the next 6 months i discovered his mother was very controlling and dictated a lot in his life. When i told my ex i had enough that he had to tell his parents we were more or less living together because i was sick of sneaking around he protested at first but eventually told them. His mother made it quite clear to him that this was very unacceptable and she totally disapproved which left my ex confused and almost heartbroken that he has disappointed his parents.

As time went on when his mother would criticise what we were doing he would start to stand up for himself and i finally thought his mother was not going to control him anymore he was standing up for what he wanted.  But then i was always brought back to the reality that his mother was never going to let us live our lives together she would always be involved in our business somehow. He always felt bad for disappointing her and it was hurting him as well as our relationship.

When his parents had family gatherings and myself and my daughter came along his parents were friendly to her and i both and his mother never actually came out and said it but i felt the fact i had a daughter by someone else was something she could never fully accept. this became very apprant to me when my ex's 2 nephews and niece would be around and my ex's mother would be dotting all over them and my daughter would just be part of the background.

I was with this man for almost 2 years and although i loved him dearly we often argued about his mother and her involvement in our lives. I left him a couple of times but would go back when he said he could change. Truth was he did for awhile but his mother would always butt in and she would be back in control of his life again.

I knew this couldn't carry on as the longer i stayed the harder it would be to leave as my daughter also loved this man like a father.  It took all the strength i had to not go back to him again.

4 years later i am in a different relationship which a beautiful man for  2 and a half years now and i know it is going to work. My daughter is very happy as am i and i now have a 6 month old baby boy with this man. My partner and his family are wonderful with both my children and treat my daughter like she is truly family she calls my partner daddy and his parents granny and grandad.

I sometimes think back on that relationship and am thankful i didn't wait 5 or 10 years when it would have been almost impossible to leave.

My advice would be to get out now while you still can lifes to short. Your partners mother will always have a hold on him and you are fighting a battle you can never win.

I do wish you all the best and hope you have the strength needed to make the right decision.  Good luck love

Hello just read your reply. I did not realise there were children involved as this makes your decision even more difficult as they are very young and you have to think about there feelings and hearts to.

One of the main reasons i got out of that relationship was because of my daughter i did not want her to be older and more attached to him before i realised i should have left him.

The fact your partners mother is so against you living together probably hurts even more knowing she has known you most of your life.

If she is as religious as my ex partners parents were the fact you have been married and divorced and have a child to another man is also probably a concern for her which will probably make her even more protective of your partner.

I don't mean to sound blunt i just know how painful it was for myself and daughter and i just truly want to help so you or your daughter don't go thru that pain to.

You really need to decide if it comes down to it will this man stand up for what you both want or will he let his mother always have a hold on him and have her opinion over rule what you want.

If you are having problems so early on in this relationship listen to your gut instinct its warning you for a reason.

We women are much stronger then we give ourselves credit for and not being in a relationship or raising a child alone is not a death sentence it makes us stronger.

Good luck love. I wish all the best and hapiness for you and your daughter and hope you make the decision that will be right for you and your daughter in the long run.

Answer 6

try  talking to his mum or dad. tell ur partner how u feel .  

Answer 7

hes a mama's boy and will be for the rest of his life and that will never change. If he believes in his religion then you can't change that. But he probably thinks you are moving wwwwway to fast if you have only been going out 5 of even 8 months and you are already wanting to move in together and get married. Come on wake up??? Also are you sure its not jealousy that you say his mother controls his life when in fact you want her out of the drivers seat so YOU can control his life instead. If hes not willing to discuss living with you and marriage maybe he is using the fact it will upset his mother but when infact he doen't want to do either is because he doesn't want to live with you but just doesn't want to upset you.  This guy sounds like he doesn't have a backbone and if he ain't got one now at 30 he never will.  You also sound rather controlling as realisticly talking about living with him and marriage is rather nuts after such a short time.    

Answer 8

JUst quit staying at his house at least at your house you can have s*x without being very quiet and risking being banished to h**l. If he wants to be with you he will have to act like he has a pair and stand up to his mother.

Answer 9

My first advice would be to stop talking about marriage and living together unless you want to scare this guy off for good.  I think maybe you've scared this guy already and hence he is using his mother as a way to not move things to the next level so soon in the relationship.  

From what you've said his mother sounds like she is set in her values, and she has every right to be protective of her son as that's what mother's do.  If your asking her to butt out & stop being his mother then you may as well ask a cow to stop being a cow. I don't think she is going to change her family morals overnight because it doesn't suit you!  The problem doesn't lay with the mother it lay's with the son.

Also you say he has his own place but you both are practically living with one another now.  Have you ever thought that maybe your partner is secretly using his mother as an excuse because he feels secure in the fact that he has his own home/ space to retreat to when it suits him, and probably isn't ready to give that up yet? I'm sure there will come a time when he wont want you to spend the night and his mum will be the perfect excuse.  It sound's like your partner is covering all his bases & isn't being 100% honest with you and hence putting up with his mother's DOs and DONTs.

Any way'ss best of luck

Answer 10

As much as you think you love him now, is how much you Will grow to dislike him if you stay together.  He is a Mommy's boy and can't or won't stand up to her.

He will always take her side if you and his mom disagree about something and it will hurt your feelings.  He is not his own man but still his mommy's Little boy and it will always be like that until she dies.  If you can live with him under these conditions then go ahead, but it you can't, I suggest you let him go now and tell him why.

If he tells you he will change, then ask him to prove it by living with you and his baby and getting married.  But if he has been a mommy's boy all these years, he is not going to change now.  His mommy will always come first you and the baby a distant second.

Answer 11

My husband's parents are very very religious and strict.  They also disapprove of s*x before marriage.  The difference with us was that we discussed marriage early on, and my husband stood up for himself and told them we were engaged, and moving in together before we were married.  Your man is a hypocrite, as he gets to have s*x with you, and use the no s*x before marriage excuse to push you away.  Why haven't you discussed marriage?  If you're sleeping together and talking about living together, why not get engaged?  Otherwise, give him an ultimatum - be honest about your relationship or call it quits.

Answer 12

You are both adults.  If you get married you can look forward to a lifetime of living according to his Mum's rules.  Think long and hard about a future with this man.  He won't change.  If you really love him let him go so he can find a woman who is more compatible and believes the same as his Mum.  You need to find a man who is not afraid to be who he is.  This doesn't sound like a good match.