My plans vs. our plans?

Question

In any relationship, there must be a measure of compromise, but how do you determine if the compromise is balanced for both parties?

I met my partner when I moved to his city as a young girl and started high school there. We were friends for a time, but we lost touch and I moved away for university to my own home town, where I live now. Since then we reconnected and began what I consider a wonderful relationship.

We've talked about moving in together and originally he was going to join me in my city because I meant to go back to school here. I was preparing to buy a property to gain some stability and equity and he was going to move in with me when he finishes school next year.

Since then, things have changed. His sister was diagnosed with cancer and he understandably wishes to be close to her until she is fully recovers, which could take at least a year based on her prognosis. His plan to move here with me has been put off indefinitely.

As a result, I am facing a dilemma. Do I set aside my own plans for buying a property here and going to school here to go join him in his city and study there so he can be close to his sister? Do I wait until we know more about his sister so that he can come here as planned?

It seems unfair that to be together one of us would have to give up our plans and make the shift from one city to the other, and I've known so many young women who have given up everything to relocate for their partner. At the same time, I completely understand him wanting to be close to his sister and would like to be there as well as support, and while I won't be able to buy a property here as planned, I would still be able to study there. I would be further from my father, but closer to my mother. So it's not like I'm giving up everything to be with him, since this seems to work best for the both of us, but I somehow don't feel there is balance in this arrangement, and I don't feel that there could be either way, since one of us will have to relocate if we want to be together. But why does it seem that it's always the woman relocating to be with her man? I'm happy to do it given the circumstances, but it still seems unfair.

What do you think?

Answer 1

I think when you love someone & that person needs your love & support at a difficult time, then you do whatever necessary to be there for that person.  If you think you want to marry this person & build a life together one day, then I would move there to be with him.  The key to a good r'ship is when 2 people BOTH live to make each other's dreams come true.  You're right.  It won't work if only one person is constantly giving but it doesn't sound like you're in that kind of situation.  As long as you're mindful of these things, I think you'll be fine.  You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.  

Answer 2

Do what YOU planned on doing. If you still want to buy property there, go ahead. You're right, neither of you should be giving up so much to be with the other. Just go ahead with your plans alone, and if things are meant to be, you'll be together eventually.

Answer 3

Sounds like he was willing to give up "everything" to be with you.  He was willing to move to your city and give up his family, job, etc. but life got in the way.  He is being a wonderful brother and family man by wanting to be close to his sister in what could (god forbid) her last year(s).  

It sounds pretty balanced to me.  You are still able to finish your schooling if you move with him.  So you can't buy a house right now in YOUR city, but you can look at maybe purchasing in his city.  Depending on the housing market, etc, it may be even a wiser idea to buy in his city.  

I would personally have no issues with moving to his city and finishing my schooling there, especially for the reason he has to stay.  I would be more than willing to be there and help not only support him through this rough/hard time, but also support his family.  Just think, your willingness to move there for him not only shows your commitment to him, but also shows his family that you are not going run in hard times and that you are a truly good woman.  

Don't look at this as "giving up" things to be with him, look at it as GAINING things to be with him.  You are gaining not only the physical closeness, but an even stronger emotional and mental closeness.  You are showing him that you value him and his family and that you are there, no matter what.  He was willing to move for you, so why is it  "unbalanced"?  I could understand you feeling as if it were unbalanced if he said he wouldn't move to your city, but it sounds like he was more than willing and wanted to to be with you.....but issues got in the way.  And this problem is more than enough of a reason for him to stay.  I know I would.  

Answer 4

I know it's cliche, but life isn't fair. It isn't fair that his sister has cancer, it isn't fair that you are relocating, it isn't fair that your boyfriend's life has been thrown into turmoil because of a family illness. However, that's just life - you take what you are given, smile at the happy times, stress over the aggravating parts and make it work. And it's not always the women relocating. Wasn't your boyfriend on his way to relocating for you?

All the best to you and your boyfriend (and his sister) as you make it work.  

Answer 5

I think you may resent him if you relocate, based on your perception of this being a gender issue, and that this could hurt your relationship.  You say you're happy to do it given the circumstances, but your post doesn't sound at all happy about the prospect.

Ideally, long-distance relationships wind up with both people relocating to a new city where they both want to live.  But you're right that it seems to be more women relocating than men. In my life, I moved from the northeast to the southeast at 21 to be pursue a relationship that didn't ever get off the ground, and at 31 I was happy to follow my future wife to wherever she got into medical school. But she never applied to medical school, she got dragged around the country by my job that supported us, and now here I am remarried to someone who relocated to where my job kind of traps me at the moment.  I will be relieved when we wind up somewhere we both want to be.

It's a tough call.  Long-distance relationships get to be very frustrating if nobody relocates after a while, but relocating and not being happy about it is also bad. You have a right to want to live where you are, and he has a right to be a great brother and put off moving for a year. Maybe you'd be happier waiting that year - I can't know. So I'm glad it's your call and not mine.