My poem, your thoughts and critiques please?

Question

I posted this a little earlier but now it's done-- well almost. Tell me what you think and ways to improve it, because it is for a competition, so the more critiques the better! Thank you...

Everyday you make a choice

You choose your attitude

What you make of the day

You choose your gratitude

Be loyal, or betray

You choose to stand up

For what you know is right

Or you choose to give up

Give up a hard fight

You choose what you say

And choose what you think

You choose everyday--

Go sober or drink

You choose to love

Or reject, deny

You choose to be of

Truth or a lie

You choose to believe

Believe what you do

You choose to achieve

Or to be all through

That's what I have so far. Got any good ways to finish it off? I can only use 3 more lines (has to be 24 lines or less for the competition.)

Thank you... Oh, and I'm 14

Answer 1

Great job, I really enjoyed it. The rhythm really had me going.

You should really submit it to http://www.papertank.com and see what they think. I bet you could get a high rating for it on there!

Answer 2

Lots of potential in this, if you need help in rhyming go to RhymeZone, they also have meanings so your rhyming ends up flawless :)

Pen On!

Answer 3

The poem kicks open the door to my soul and rushes in like a harsh swat team.  There is nothing soft about this poem, it is very striking on all of its direct assertions about what it means to be the reader.  You may want to think about how you are reaching the audience.  Think about using "I" or "he" instead of "you" to soften it up.  

Answer 4

the line You choose your gratitude doesn't make much sense. you choose how you show your gratitude?? instead of repeating the word give up twice try - losing a hard fight?? instead of sober or drink try making something out of sink  emm... like letting urself sink instead of trying to get urself out of the mess u put yourself in. try reject and deny instead of reject, deny. You choose to be of,  Truth or a lie doesn't make sense. what about You choose to be a Truth or a lie

Believe what you do what about believe in what you do.

You choose to achieve

Or to be all through

needs to be changed. doesn't make sense you choose to achieve or to be rotten all through,  i want to good, be who i am and not stuck in the mud?? just off my head - spur of the moment.gd poem. needs a bit of tweaking but u've got a really good shot at winning

by the way i'm 14 too

Answer 5

keep up the writing -the more you write the betterr you will get.

Answer 6

It's actually really good, no forced rhymes, just the rhyme "You choose to love - You choose to be of" sounds a little forced... but that's just my opinion : )

Anything else is very good!

Also, may i ask u what competition r u submitting it to? I just have to warn that before u post it, check the site for scams, cause there are alot of them...

can u also tell me what u think about my poem?

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 7

Very good poem.  I can feel where you are coming from, and anyone that reads this poem would be able to relate the feeling, of course; everyone has adifferent/choice of feeling's too, So; just keep the good work up, let's keep in contact, shall we?