My poem good bad suggestions?

Question

Woke up this Sunday morning feeling pensive - A

Thinking about you, wondering why we are falling… - B

In our two separate worlds there will be no forestalling- B

No longer in control these feelings so intensive - A

Will fear of being apart but us on the defensive - A

If we choose each other space will be our division - B

Survive the adversity of separation and just envision - B

Love will take control and go on the offensive - A

If we chose to have eros love - C

We will need strength to cherish - D

With Christ we can do all things - E

Sand in this hour glass is about to empty of - C

Please God don’t let us perish - D

Hurry give me your hand, let me be your King - E

Answer 1

Lose the rhyme scheme completely.  

Look more into how many syllables you have per line.

~try to build some kind of a cadence with the syllabic structure

The eventual product of good poetry involves a lot of cutting.

Basic formula

Define your complete idea for your poem

Write it out in prose, getting as specific as you can.

Expand the idea through the use of adjectives or adverbs

Cut out every single piece, word, line, syllable, letter that isn't essential to the image or feeling you are trying to evoke.

Finally, look at structure.  (Too many inexperienced poets try to start with structure, but this is always a mistake, unless it is the structure that is the focus of the poem)

Use your thesaurus and consider synonyms for every word in your poem, and ask yourself, "Does this word say it better? Is it too flowery or in your face?" for what the poem is trying to say.

when you think you're finished, put it away for a while-days, weeks, months-as long as it takes for you to get through the ego attachment we all develop with our creations, then look at it again and try tweaking it.

No poem is a finished product until the author is deceased, because the author can always change them even after they've been published.

  I’ve thrown away poems that I thought were brilliant when I wrote them, but later decided that they weren't that good.  I’ve also taken some stuff that was only so-so, and after several rewrites, ended up with a good poem.  My best stuff started out pretty good, but the tweaking made those poems into something I can really be proud of.

You’ve obviously got some skill with word-craft.  What I get from this poem is a sense of tension between intellect and emotion.  Develop it; work with it, your final product could be quite outstanding.

Answer 2

Seriously, use less complex and long words. It beffudles the reader.

But I love the line "If we chose to have eros love"

otherwise very well done