My poem.....plz tell me the truth?

Question

I sit in this room

surrounded by darkness

with a razor blade in my hand

and a note by my side

my dieing wish

my ask for forgiveness.

I sit in this room

surrounded by darkness

with a razor blade in my hand

and a dream in my heart

a dream of forgiveness

and your love

which version???

do you like it at all??

honest opinions plz and thanks!:]

Answer 1

The second one implies the suicide rather than describing it.  It is more subtle and poetic. (I truly hope this is not how you are actually feeling, but rather a poetic expression.)  I  would expand the second one to make a more complex poem.

Answer 2

Well the first sounds like you're suicidal with a razor blade in your hand and a death wish. But the second doesn't make sense if you're writing about the same thing, because if the first was suicidal there's nothing about killing really in the second. So i guess the first is better.

~sig~

7 days without soccer makes one weak

Answer 3

I like the second version because it gives hope to the character that they will not die in vain and that one simple act will stop tragedy from happening! But where is the active imagination? You are not placing me in that room with you because I want to feel your torment and sorrow turn to fleeting hope if that is the main focal point. May I concede? Thank you... Expand your horizons and fly...

Love Is A Light

Alone I sit in this dreary room

Surrounded by darkness my straining eyes unseen

Tightly clutching the sharp razor in hand

It's power of death that tries to consume me

Yet I have a dream buried inside my heart

The warmth of forgiveness

A river of love is a light that I need.

There is passion in near death, but the true passion is in renewed life by the simplest act of humanity. DragonLady's version is a good one too and like she said, we are giving you outside creative criticism that is a nurturing process in writing.

Answer 4

i kinda like the first one cause its all dark but then the 2nd is pretty cool. good work though!

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Answer 5

Okay...honest opinion: it's a poetic narrative...you're telling us, not showing us...and if you had not said "a dream in my heart", it wouldn't even have been a poem.  The difference between a poem and prose is the way the image is conveyed.  If you say, "the sun rose over the mountains and I thought of you", that's not poetry...if you say, "the sun pushed itself over the mountains and I couldn't help but think of you", that's poetry...why?  because I used "personification"...you need to use "some" poetic device or it's just prose.  You can use rhyme, assonance, alliteration, repetition...there are many different devices you can use...because that's what poetry does, it uses "poetic devices" to put something into the image that words alone cannot express.

To your poem: If you'd said, "I sit in this room with the arms of darkness closed tight about me..." that would have been poetic...or, "with a razor laughing in my hand"...that too would have been poetic, because it says there is a razor in your hand, but it provides a context for your own knowledge that what you intend to do is wrong...and you admit this because you're asking for forgiveness.  In your first version,  you could have replaced the entire last line with one word: forgiveness.  Poetry tries to be economical without being cryptic...in this case, you said "my dieing wish", so you could have simply said "forgiveness" and it would have been a complete thought, and probably how you'd have said it in real life.

So...that's the truth about your poem.  Do I like it?  Well, I'm not into suicide...I've experienced it within the family and it's a difficult subject to really do honestly...if you want to write a poem about suicide that really "says" something, try writing from the perspective of someone trying to talk someone else out of committing suicide...because nobody wins...I'm not sure if there is any good reason for it, but "love" is never a good reason.  

In any event, it was good practice to write from a projected point of view...just remember the difference between prose and poetry, and be true to what you know.

...and keep writing

Answer 6

Them both together is best, they complete each other. The combination lends to the real life complexity of the suicidal experience

Answer 7

umm the second one fer sure...

Answer 8

The first one is better but it does need work. I will show an example below. I in no way want you to change it to fit what I feel sounds better but I think you need just a few more lines and maybe it will inspire you to dig deeper

I sit in this room

surrounded by darkness

a razor blade in my hand

So close to the vein

as I contemplate my fate

I hope you can understand

so if this be my final night

I have but one dying wish

read my words on my farewell letter

and give me your forgivness

Just my two cents