My poem to my wife, Questions? Comments?

Question

I Stay

my love

blind as justice

your eyes

blue as a southern sea

Answer 1

I like how it sounds Duncan, but I keep wondering "How blind is justice?" and wonder if there is more to this than I'm seeing.

I do like the compressed style in any event.

Answer 2

So sweet!  Lucky lady to have her man write her such a lovely poem.  =0)

Answer 3

get on your knees and beg

Answer 4

Duncan,

I think that you're off to a good start here.  What I'm reading from the more serious critiques --with which I agree--is that there's a desire for more explanation. Perhaps you can split this into 2 haikus; you can keep the focus on your images while expanding the ideas you've set forth.  You're idea is lovely as is: I just want to see more.

Thank you for sharing!

Answer 5

Hi Duncan, I was about to send out an SOS for you. Glad to see you back today.

Your poem has me wondering why you speak of

your love and her eyes.

your love is blind

her eyes are blue

there doesn't seem to be a common link.

I am confused.

You ask for questions.  What is the connection?

I Stay kept as the title or

I could read it this way.

I stay my love.

Blind as justice, your eyes,

blue as a southern sea.

or this way.

I stay,

my love blind,

as justice,your eyes.

blue as the southern sea.

Answer 6

your wife will luv you for it dude. keep on writing!

Answer 7

Lovely, hoping this isnt a make up poem but something from the heartO

Answer 8

Im glad you love your girl to that extent, i got laughed at.. but love is a better drug, treat her right mate

Answer 9

...and?

I'm sure you married her for more than that?